Punch (45.1863)

November 21, 1863.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

205

A PLEASANT PREDICAMENT.

Footman. “ If you please, Sir, Master said I was to let you Jcnow Dinner’s waiting.’
Tomkins. “ Fes—but James, look here! These can’t be my Trowsers, you know !”
James. “No, Sir! Why, Sir, those will belong to old Mr. Shortshanks, who went
away this morning ; and, depend upon it, he’s taken yours instead.”

[Poor Tomkins, who is visiting in a strange house, and is wretchedly shy,
bursts into a cold perspiration.

JACK RUSSELL’S APOLOGY TO JOHN BULL.

If you please, Sir, I’m not such a sneak as you may think. It’s true I sold
Hudson; but it was his own fault, for not looking out sharper when he knew he
had to deal with me. But as to threatening anybody that I would punch their
heads, and then backing out, when it came to the point, I say I didn’t. It’s true I
told Gortschakoff that it was a shame to bully the Poles, but I didn’t say that
we would pitch into the Russians unless they left off: on the contrary, I holloaed
out aloud several times before the whole school that we weren’t going to make a
fight, of it. And now, you see, I was right. Here you have Napoleon owning
that, he shouldn’t like to have a row with Alexander, who stood by him in that
Nice business and Savoy affair. Hogh! I should think so. One good turn
deserves another. Who was it that hung back and stopped short in 1856, just
when we wanted to go in and double Russia up? If he hadn’t prevented us then,
we should have given the Muscovites a hiding that would have lasted them long
enough, and you wouldn’t have had those fellows playing the game they ’re up to
now, I know.

Fight! Hbgh ! I should like to know how we are to, if we are ever so game.
Where can we get t.o do it? In what field? Hohenzollern is on the other
side, and so is Hapsburg, I’ll be bound, if the truth was known. Catch them
letting us through their grounds! If we could trust Napoleon, to be sure, we
might force our way ; but we can’t. If he fought, he’d fight for another Idea, as
he calls it, like that, Nice idea and the idea of Savoy, that I mentioned just now.
Oh, yes ! 1 dare say ! Walker!

It ’s all very well for him to talk of a Congress, so as to settle all differences by
unmires. I suppose Cobden put him up to that notion. It’s all very fine, but it
isn’t new; it’s as old as the Peace Society, and older. And when the umpires
have decided, what then ? Suppose Russia says, “ I shan’t,” who is to make her ?

I know very well that if we let the Russians go on bullying us in the way they
do, they are likely to end by getting to bully the whole world. It is only a ques-
tion ot time, and of gunpowder and steam. But it isn’t my fault they weren’t
kiboshed when they ought to have been; it’s that Napoleon’s fault, as I said
before, for failing us in the nick of time, when, if he hadn’t thrown us over for

reasons of his own, which he now owns (and we know
what they were), we might have gone on and whopped
those fellows, and licked ’em into the middle of next
century, and rid the civilised world from all fear of them
for ever so long. But now the chance has gone by, and
all that’s left for us chaps is to look out tor our own
cheek. So I want to know what I could have said or
done more than what I have in answer to Gortschakoff?
And, as far as that goes, at any rate I hope you’ll allow
that I’m neither such a muff nor such a humbug as I’ve
been called.

A QUEER EELLOW’S CAROL.

(Pipes and Beer.)

We’ve all had a jolly good dinner?

It only comes round once a year;

The outer man’s warmed by the inner,
Choke-full of the best of good cheer.

How pleasant this here merry making
Is arter hard labour and toil!

Such a banquet as we’ve been partaking,
Served up in host Walker’s best style!

Such a banquet, &c.

Roast beef, prime, and no two opinions,

Leg of mutton and trimmings thereto.

Roast, goose, apple sauce, sage and iuions
Suckin’ pig, cowheel, tripe, Irish stew.

And biled leg of pork and pease-puddun,

Plum puddun, and likewise mince pie.

We’ve each played his stick like a good ’un,
Which nobody, sure, can deny.

We’ve each, &c.

The liquors, the malt and the spirits.

They all was the best of the kind,

I needn’t say more of their merits,

Which them as don’t see must be blind,

Our brother here keeps a good cellar.

Him, therefore, I ’ll name for a toast,

For he is a jolly good feller,

And so here’s the health of our Host.

For he is, &c.

Here’s the health of our "Doctor and Lawyer,
Who’ve honoured our meetin to day.

The Sawbones I calls a top-sawyer.

And ain’t that sufficient to say ?

And as for our legal adviser.

To give that same Party his due.

There can’t he a better, nor wiser.

Here’s health and long life to the two.

There can’t be, &c.

Here’s the health of our worthy Collector,
What raises the funds of our club:

’Tis true, says somegrumblin objector.

We spends ’em in guzzle and grub.

Here’s a health unto all absent, brothers.

We deeply regrets they ain’t here;

But then there’s the more for us others,

Who gets their allowance of beer.

But then, &c.

Here’s a health to our friend Tommy Truman
Our Treasurer, trusty as gold,

1 hope that he, being a new man,

Will better turn out than the old,

(In quod who pays off his offences)

May Tommy’s accounts be well passed:

May he charge us no humbug expenses,

And not bolt with our cash, like the last.

May he charge, &c.

Not the First Time.

In one of the recent repulses of the Federals, we read
that “they retreated to Liberty.” This is no new move-
ment, for ever since the war began, we must say that all
their steps have been backward ones in that direction. Of
course, they took possession of the town, for we all know
what capital good hands the Yankees are in taking a
Liberty.

Yol. 45.

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