DOI Heft:
October 3, 1863
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16872#0146
October 3, 1S63.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
135
How Spangleton came to Grief on board the Penny Boat; and serve him right,
for not taking a Cab like a Swell.
MYSTERIES OE MEDICINE.
The Medical Profession, if it is a learned one, may Lave
been amused by the following advertisement, which lately
adorned the Medical Circular:—
A LOINA.—The discoverers of this, T. & H. Smith, (vide
el Edinburgh Monthly Journal of Medical Science, for February, 1851,)
the crystaline principle of aloes, continue to prepare and supply it.
They have the gratification of knowing that the most eminent of
the Profession prescribe it in preference to the various kinds of
aloes, and especially to females both alive and in a combined form.
We learn from the above announcement that the dis-
coverers of Aloina are T. & H. Smith, and that those
gentlemen are also the crystalline principle of aloes. More-
over we observe that they spell crystalline with a single 1.
And they seem to say that the crystalline principle of aloes
continues to prepare and supply Aloina.
What the discoverers of Aloina mean by females in a
combined form, we cannot make out. In saying that “ the
most eminent of the Profession” prescribe Aloina, “espe-
cially to females both alive and m the combined form,”
they place females “ in the combined form” in antithesis
with females “ alive.” Hence we might infer that by
females in “ the combined form,” they meant dead women :
but as medicine is never prescribed for the dead of either
sex, that inference would be absurd.
The discoverers of Aloina are doubtless expert in phar-
macy, so that we will not say that they have mistaken their
vocation ; but they might have chosen a branch of learning
for the cultivation of which their genius appears much
better calculated than it is for the pursuit of chemical
science. We do not mean English grammar: but meta-
physical theology.
“Happy Land!”
At the opening of the Session of the two Legislative
Chambers, the King oe Holland is reported to have said:
“ Various bills will be presented to you with a view to a general
reduction of taxes.”
Would that our Chancellor oe the Exchequer would
be animated with the above good example! However, we
fancy we hear Gladstone, catechised on the subject, ex-
claiming, with Homeric lire, “ If ever you catch me reducing
the Income-Tax, why then I’ma Dutchman.”
CRINOLINE AND COSMETICS.
“ Dear Punch,
“ I am a young man, and have a fairish income, and I want to
find some fair creature to share it. But I declare to you I really am so
frightened by advertisements that I can hardly summon up the pluck
to go in quest of her. Not to mentiou the announcements of milliners
and jewellers, which in a money point of view are terrible enough, there
are other dreadful notices addressed to the fair sex, which really make
one’s flesh creep when one thinks of getting married. By Jove, if one
believes in half that, is hinted in the newspapers, girls are nowadays all
sham, there’s nothing real about them. They buy their hair of Mon-
sieur Coieeeub, and their teeth of Monsieur Dentierice ; Madame
Crinoline supplies them with a figure, and Mademoiselle Enamelle
furnishes the face. One shopkeeper sells eyebrows that are warranted
to stick, while another supplies roses to beautify the cheeks, warranted
to bear even inspection through a microscope. As for hair dyes, t hey
are numberless, and so are curling fluids; and somebody keeps puffing
some patent hair restorative, which lie begs us to observe is ‘ recom-
mended by the faculty,’ and is ‘ bold in high estimation in the higher
circles.’ Besides this, there’s the ‘ pomadore, for beautifying the arms
and hands or face, without causing the slightest unnatural appearance,’
and in addition there’s the ‘eyefluid,’ which some genius has invented,
and which serves not merely for concealment of crows’ feet, but to give
great ‘ boldness, character, and seeming enlargement ’ to that ‘ index of
character ’ which we more simply call the eye.
“ Now Crinoline is bad enough, and an awful thing it is for a young
bachelor to contemplate the laceration of his ancles and destruction of
his trousers, which will infallibly result from his walking arm in arm
with the steel-begirt young creature he consents to call his wife. But,
nuisance though it be, Crinoline is not half so nasty as Cosmetics. A
sham figure is more tolerable by far than a sham face. Just conceive a
man’s disgust at finding that bis wife changed colour when be kissed
her, and that her rosy cheeks turned yellow if he touched them with his
lips. Who would care to marry a beautiful complexion, if he knew it
had been purchased in the Burlington Arcade; and how can one admire
a snowy brow or swanlike neck when one believes it to be whitewashed,
say, at sixpence the square inch ? What a pleasant thing for Corydon
to find his Chloe minus her left eyebrow some fine morning, or showing
two large crows-feet which had been concealed by paint! Don’t you
think he would be justified in going to his club to breakfast for the
future, and if he lived there altogether, I for one should not much
censure him. I think Sir James Plaisted Wilde would hardly call
it cruelty for a man to leave a wife whom he detected using paint. A
girl who sails under false colours when cruising for a husband I con-
sider should be viewed in the light of a she-pirate, and should be driven
to surrender any prize that she might take.
“ No, no, Mr. Punch. You have influence with the ladies, if anybody
has; and I wish you would just tell them that when they use cosmetics
to beautify themselves they only make tbemselves more ugly than by
nature they would be. Men like beauty, no doubt; but then to please
their eyes it must be beauty without paint. So far as flesh and blood
go, what a man wants in a wife is something huggable and kissable,
and Crinoline and Cosmetics quite prevent her being this. A cheek
like a blush rose is a pleasant thing to look upon; but I have little
liking for artificial flowers, and have certainly no wish lor one to deco-
rate my table. Ear rather would I stick to my Old Bachelor’s Button
than sit down to dinner daily with sham roses to look at. Let others
praise the cerea brachia of Chloe, or any other specimens of _Miss
Enamelle’s skill in wax-work; I for one would have my wile as
Beatrice would have her husband, one not for Sunday show but for
honest week-day use. As for paint attracting lovers, I am sure it only
serves to frighten them away. Who with lips that are by nature capable
of kissing would ever dream of paying his addresses to a girl with
‘ touch me not ’ quite plainly painted on her face ?_ The misletoe will
soon be an extinct institution, if girls persist in trying to make them-
selves unkissable by colouring their cheeks. One would as soon salute
the Wall in Pyramus and Thisbe, as kiss a painted powdered beauty
who purchased her complexion, and put on an extra smear when she
wanted to look smart. Eor myself I shall keep single until the rage
for paint-brushes and powder-balls is over; and I recommend the fellow
who is caught by a complexion to ponder well, ere marrying, the moot-
point, Will it Wash ?
“ I remain, my dear old Punch, yours, in all serenity (at present),
“ The Albany P “ Charley Ccelehs.”
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
135
How Spangleton came to Grief on board the Penny Boat; and serve him right,
for not taking a Cab like a Swell.
MYSTERIES OE MEDICINE.
The Medical Profession, if it is a learned one, may Lave
been amused by the following advertisement, which lately
adorned the Medical Circular:—
A LOINA.—The discoverers of this, T. & H. Smith, (vide
el Edinburgh Monthly Journal of Medical Science, for February, 1851,)
the crystaline principle of aloes, continue to prepare and supply it.
They have the gratification of knowing that the most eminent of
the Profession prescribe it in preference to the various kinds of
aloes, and especially to females both alive and in a combined form.
We learn from the above announcement that the dis-
coverers of Aloina are T. & H. Smith, and that those
gentlemen are also the crystalline principle of aloes. More-
over we observe that they spell crystalline with a single 1.
And they seem to say that the crystalline principle of aloes
continues to prepare and supply Aloina.
What the discoverers of Aloina mean by females in a
combined form, we cannot make out. In saying that “ the
most eminent of the Profession” prescribe Aloina, “espe-
cially to females both alive and m the combined form,”
they place females “ in the combined form” in antithesis
with females “ alive.” Hence we might infer that by
females in “ the combined form,” they meant dead women :
but as medicine is never prescribed for the dead of either
sex, that inference would be absurd.
The discoverers of Aloina are doubtless expert in phar-
macy, so that we will not say that they have mistaken their
vocation ; but they might have chosen a branch of learning
for the cultivation of which their genius appears much
better calculated than it is for the pursuit of chemical
science. We do not mean English grammar: but meta-
physical theology.
“Happy Land!”
At the opening of the Session of the two Legislative
Chambers, the King oe Holland is reported to have said:
“ Various bills will be presented to you with a view to a general
reduction of taxes.”
Would that our Chancellor oe the Exchequer would
be animated with the above good example! However, we
fancy we hear Gladstone, catechised on the subject, ex-
claiming, with Homeric lire, “ If ever you catch me reducing
the Income-Tax, why then I’ma Dutchman.”
CRINOLINE AND COSMETICS.
“ Dear Punch,
“ I am a young man, and have a fairish income, and I want to
find some fair creature to share it. But I declare to you I really am so
frightened by advertisements that I can hardly summon up the pluck
to go in quest of her. Not to mentiou the announcements of milliners
and jewellers, which in a money point of view are terrible enough, there
are other dreadful notices addressed to the fair sex, which really make
one’s flesh creep when one thinks of getting married. By Jove, if one
believes in half that, is hinted in the newspapers, girls are nowadays all
sham, there’s nothing real about them. They buy their hair of Mon-
sieur Coieeeub, and their teeth of Monsieur Dentierice ; Madame
Crinoline supplies them with a figure, and Mademoiselle Enamelle
furnishes the face. One shopkeeper sells eyebrows that are warranted
to stick, while another supplies roses to beautify the cheeks, warranted
to bear even inspection through a microscope. As for hair dyes, t hey
are numberless, and so are curling fluids; and somebody keeps puffing
some patent hair restorative, which lie begs us to observe is ‘ recom-
mended by the faculty,’ and is ‘ bold in high estimation in the higher
circles.’ Besides this, there’s the ‘ pomadore, for beautifying the arms
and hands or face, without causing the slightest unnatural appearance,’
and in addition there’s the ‘eyefluid,’ which some genius has invented,
and which serves not merely for concealment of crows’ feet, but to give
great ‘ boldness, character, and seeming enlargement ’ to that ‘ index of
character ’ which we more simply call the eye.
“ Now Crinoline is bad enough, and an awful thing it is for a young
bachelor to contemplate the laceration of his ancles and destruction of
his trousers, which will infallibly result from his walking arm in arm
with the steel-begirt young creature he consents to call his wife. But,
nuisance though it be, Crinoline is not half so nasty as Cosmetics. A
sham figure is more tolerable by far than a sham face. Just conceive a
man’s disgust at finding that bis wife changed colour when be kissed
her, and that her rosy cheeks turned yellow if he touched them with his
lips. Who would care to marry a beautiful complexion, if he knew it
had been purchased in the Burlington Arcade; and how can one admire
a snowy brow or swanlike neck when one believes it to be whitewashed,
say, at sixpence the square inch ? What a pleasant thing for Corydon
to find his Chloe minus her left eyebrow some fine morning, or showing
two large crows-feet which had been concealed by paint! Don’t you
think he would be justified in going to his club to breakfast for the
future, and if he lived there altogether, I for one should not much
censure him. I think Sir James Plaisted Wilde would hardly call
it cruelty for a man to leave a wife whom he detected using paint. A
girl who sails under false colours when cruising for a husband I con-
sider should be viewed in the light of a she-pirate, and should be driven
to surrender any prize that she might take.
“ No, no, Mr. Punch. You have influence with the ladies, if anybody
has; and I wish you would just tell them that when they use cosmetics
to beautify themselves they only make tbemselves more ugly than by
nature they would be. Men like beauty, no doubt; but then to please
their eyes it must be beauty without paint. So far as flesh and blood
go, what a man wants in a wife is something huggable and kissable,
and Crinoline and Cosmetics quite prevent her being this. A cheek
like a blush rose is a pleasant thing to look upon; but I have little
liking for artificial flowers, and have certainly no wish lor one to deco-
rate my table. Ear rather would I stick to my Old Bachelor’s Button
than sit down to dinner daily with sham roses to look at. Let others
praise the cerea brachia of Chloe, or any other specimens of _Miss
Enamelle’s skill in wax-work; I for one would have my wile as
Beatrice would have her husband, one not for Sunday show but for
honest week-day use. As for paint attracting lovers, I am sure it only
serves to frighten them away. Who with lips that are by nature capable
of kissing would ever dream of paying his addresses to a girl with
‘ touch me not ’ quite plainly painted on her face ?_ The misletoe will
soon be an extinct institution, if girls persist in trying to make them-
selves unkissable by colouring their cheeks. One would as soon salute
the Wall in Pyramus and Thisbe, as kiss a painted powdered beauty
who purchased her complexion, and put on an extra smear when she
wanted to look smart. Eor myself I shall keep single until the rage
for paint-brushes and powder-balls is over; and I recommend the fellow
who is caught by a complexion to ponder well, ere marrying, the moot-
point, Will it Wash ?
“ I remain, my dear old Punch, yours, in all serenity (at present),
“ The Albany P “ Charley Ccelehs.”