DOI issue:
October 3, 1863
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16872#0148
October 3, 1863.]
137
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
and venison—* that vich is Sheep and that vich is Deer,’ and who
pretended to have heard it before. . .
“ Having given you every reason why I should remain in Glasgow,
you will not be surprised that I took an early opportunity of leaving
that metropolis. I embarked myself, and encumbrances, one morning,
at seven, in a vast floating drawing-room called the Iona, which is the
most splendid boat that ever was reflected in these eyes of mme. 1
took my seat on the crimson velvet cushions of the saloon, which is a
glass chamber, on deck, so that you can behold all the scenery without
discomfort of wind or rain. ‘ Well done, Mr. David Hutcheson,
said I, ‘ and now for a delightful voyage north.’ The words had
scarcely left my lips when I was informed by one who had the besl
reason to know, that of our thirteen boxes, one bad been left at our
Glasgow apartments, and also that it was the only one of the thirteen
that would be of the least use where we were to lodge that night. The
Iona was just on the move. To make a brief reference to Job, to fling
away my Inverness cape, to stamp till the Iona’s deck quivered, to gaze
wildly at the Broomielaw, to spring to shore, to dash into a cab, to
regain my thirteenth box, to take it to the Greenock railway, to go with
it, to re-embark at that interesting port, and to throw myself upon
salmon steaks and hot coffee, was the work of—I don’t exactly know
how long, but I was particularly glad when I got to the last operation.
“ Yours,
“ The Highlands, generally ” “ Epicurus Rotundus.”
A PROTEST.
axe Notice.—Mr. Punch is
pestered to death by Cor-
respondents requiring the
return of their rubbish.
Once for all, he will not j
return a line. Only fancy i
wasting an envelope, a post-
age stamp, a drop of ink,
and five minutes of Mr.
Punch’8 invaluable time on
such trash as the following:
“HOW’S YOUR POOR FEET?”
“ Dear Mr. Punch,
“ Knowing that
there is a great deal of corn
about, and knowing also of
your tender feelings and
anxiety for the public under-
standing, I send you, as the
expositor of all that’s good,
the enclosed recipe, and re-
main, your sincere admirer,
“ The Author.”
Recipe for the Expundion
of Corns.
To ^ a lb. of pitch from
Burgundy
Put j lb. of wax from busy oee,
Then for 2 oz. weight be frank in sense,
And there’s your gredience for some pence.
In an earthen pot dissolve the pitch,
But don’t forget the frankincense to mix ;
Stir it till the parts are married,
Then into cold water carry it.
Work it, and into a stick do roil it.
About the size of your finger mould it,
And there’s a stuff I say it with scorn,
That’s not to be matched for any Corn.
After Paring stick like wax,
(That is if on your feet you do want pax)
On leather or a piece of silk.
What will comfort like your mother’s milk.
Then to the Corn apply the stuff,
And without the leastest bit off puff
You’ll find the Corn depart in peace,
And your troubled pain will cease.
And the above is Tennvsonian to many other contributions thrust
into our letter-box!
MATRIMONY MARE EASY.
For the subjoined announcements we are indebted to the Manchester
Examiner and Times :—
MATRIMONY.
rT'HE Advertiser, good looking (25), wishes to correspond with a Young
-A Lady, with a view to Matrimony.—Address-Post Office, Bradford.
TLTATRIMONIAL AGENCY OFFICE.—No won our hooks, a minister,
-LVJ- age 30, position good; medical student (26), about to begin practice ; professor
of music (23), earning £150 a year; widower (48), bas property, lady not to be
under 40 ; jeweller (27), stock worth £800 ; working man, has £180. The above,
for special reasons, all require wives with fortunes, more or less. A gentleman (28),
income £300, requires character, education, &e. ; money no object, Six ladies, with
fortunes, and 58 others. Choice made from photographs. Fee 2s. 6d. : ladies from
Is. 6 to 10. - Manchester.
The Advertiser, author of the first of these notifications, appears, we
are sorry to say, to be little, if anything, above the level of an animal.
He assumes that good looks and youth are sufficient attractions to induce
some Young Lady to answer his advertisement “ with a view to matri-
mony.” So, very likely, they are for a girl who simply wants to be
married, and to whom one man of the herd is as good as another. Such
a creature, being of the herd herself, will be suitably matched with such
a man. But, as they are two-legged animals, let us say flock instead of
herd, and trust that the good-looking advertiser and his desired mate
will prove a happy couple of geese.
The second of the foregoing matrimonial announcements looks like
business : especially when considered in connection with the following,
extracted from the Glasgow Herald:—
MATRIMONY.
Matrimonial agency office. — now on our books, 11
widowers, 7 widows, 16 men of wealth who want youth and beauty, 9 ladies
with fortunes, an orphan with £3,000, a widow with £200 a year, a curate (income
£200), 7 Dissenting ministers, and 37 others. The demand for ladies continues.
They may apply by letter or person, in confidence, as this business will be con-
ducted in a bon& fide private and respectable manner. Choice made from photo-
graphs, then interviews arranged. Fee 2s. 6d. ; ladies, from Is. 6 to 10. - Cot-
tenham Street, off Ardwiek Green.
MONEY WANTED.
We have preserved, above, the heading of an advertisement that
succeeds that immediately foregoing. In both of the preceding adver-
tisements “Matrimony” to a great extent may be considered to resolve
itself into “ Money Wanted,” hut both of them seem addressed to per-
sons rather in want of money. In matrimonial advertisement No. 1,
the “ professor of music (23). earning £150 a-year,” can be no great
catch, and the same may be affirmed of the “jeweller (27), stock worth
£800.” ((The “working man” who “has £180” is eligible as aprole-
taire. “ A gentleman (28), income £300, requires character, education,
&c.”—does he? He requires more, then, we are afraid, than he is
likely to get. To expect, not only character and education, but also
&c., at £300 a-year, even if that income is derived from fixed property,
is to be very sanguine ; and to add “ money no object,” argues fatuity.
How can this advertiser be such a fool as to think that any lady, in
these days of Crinoline, would marry a man who not only proposes to
maintain her on £300 a-year, but also not to care for the means of
affording her a more luxurious maintenance? We should like to see
the photographs of the “six ladies with fortunes,” and, if they are not
all hideous, to know what vices of temper have kept any of those for-
j tunate ladies unwillingly single. The “ widower (48),” who “ has
property,” and wants a “ lady not to be under 40,” is evidently a great
i fool. If, indeed, his property being very small, he were willing to
marry any woman ot any age, the older the better, there would be
something to be said for his mere gumption. But, being forty-eight
years of age, he ought to know better than to wish to marry at all,
unless from a base and mercenary motive. This widower must be very
unwise, or he would not have advertised for a wife not likely to leave
him, with her money, a widower again very speedily.
I In advertisement. No. 2, the second-hand wives and husbands are
probably cheap and inferior. The “ 16 men of wealth who want youth
I and beauty ” will be sure enough to get what they want, if they have
| wealth enough to give for it, in Belgravia and Tyburnia. The orphan
with £3,000 is likely to be much inquired for. Even a poor orpbau is
a prize to any man who wants to marry without letting himself in for a
mother-in-law. A rich orphan is a treasure in proportion to her wealth
—and worth. No wonder there is only one orphan on the list. Orphans
are snapped up. The “ Curate (income £200)” must be a very bad-iookiDg
man, or he might have thrown the handkerchief to any one of a multi-
t tude of young ladies busy working him slippers. We see with some
; surprise that “ the demand for ladies continues.” A style of dress at
once grotesque and expensive, and a too general affectation of masculine
airs, would, we should have feared, render that demand mode-
rate. The Matrimonial Agency Office, however, does not say that it is
large; only that it continues. It may continue not brisk, but only as
usual, and that may be flat. We have now used a word which some
may be disposed to apply to any one who, for a wife or a husband,
• resorts to a Matrimonial Agency Office.
“ Fancy Eairs.”—The ever-varying Fares of our Street Cabs.
137
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
and venison—* that vich is Sheep and that vich is Deer,’ and who
pretended to have heard it before. . .
“ Having given you every reason why I should remain in Glasgow,
you will not be surprised that I took an early opportunity of leaving
that metropolis. I embarked myself, and encumbrances, one morning,
at seven, in a vast floating drawing-room called the Iona, which is the
most splendid boat that ever was reflected in these eyes of mme. 1
took my seat on the crimson velvet cushions of the saloon, which is a
glass chamber, on deck, so that you can behold all the scenery without
discomfort of wind or rain. ‘ Well done, Mr. David Hutcheson,
said I, ‘ and now for a delightful voyage north.’ The words had
scarcely left my lips when I was informed by one who had the besl
reason to know, that of our thirteen boxes, one bad been left at our
Glasgow apartments, and also that it was the only one of the thirteen
that would be of the least use where we were to lodge that night. The
Iona was just on the move. To make a brief reference to Job, to fling
away my Inverness cape, to stamp till the Iona’s deck quivered, to gaze
wildly at the Broomielaw, to spring to shore, to dash into a cab, to
regain my thirteenth box, to take it to the Greenock railway, to go with
it, to re-embark at that interesting port, and to throw myself upon
salmon steaks and hot coffee, was the work of—I don’t exactly know
how long, but I was particularly glad when I got to the last operation.
“ Yours,
“ The Highlands, generally ” “ Epicurus Rotundus.”
A PROTEST.
axe Notice.—Mr. Punch is
pestered to death by Cor-
respondents requiring the
return of their rubbish.
Once for all, he will not j
return a line. Only fancy i
wasting an envelope, a post-
age stamp, a drop of ink,
and five minutes of Mr.
Punch’8 invaluable time on
such trash as the following:
“HOW’S YOUR POOR FEET?”
“ Dear Mr. Punch,
“ Knowing that
there is a great deal of corn
about, and knowing also of
your tender feelings and
anxiety for the public under-
standing, I send you, as the
expositor of all that’s good,
the enclosed recipe, and re-
main, your sincere admirer,
“ The Author.”
Recipe for the Expundion
of Corns.
To ^ a lb. of pitch from
Burgundy
Put j lb. of wax from busy oee,
Then for 2 oz. weight be frank in sense,
And there’s your gredience for some pence.
In an earthen pot dissolve the pitch,
But don’t forget the frankincense to mix ;
Stir it till the parts are married,
Then into cold water carry it.
Work it, and into a stick do roil it.
About the size of your finger mould it,
And there’s a stuff I say it with scorn,
That’s not to be matched for any Corn.
After Paring stick like wax,
(That is if on your feet you do want pax)
On leather or a piece of silk.
What will comfort like your mother’s milk.
Then to the Corn apply the stuff,
And without the leastest bit off puff
You’ll find the Corn depart in peace,
And your troubled pain will cease.
And the above is Tennvsonian to many other contributions thrust
into our letter-box!
MATRIMONY MARE EASY.
For the subjoined announcements we are indebted to the Manchester
Examiner and Times :—
MATRIMONY.
rT'HE Advertiser, good looking (25), wishes to correspond with a Young
-A Lady, with a view to Matrimony.—Address-Post Office, Bradford.
TLTATRIMONIAL AGENCY OFFICE.—No won our hooks, a minister,
-LVJ- age 30, position good; medical student (26), about to begin practice ; professor
of music (23), earning £150 a year; widower (48), bas property, lady not to be
under 40 ; jeweller (27), stock worth £800 ; working man, has £180. The above,
for special reasons, all require wives with fortunes, more or less. A gentleman (28),
income £300, requires character, education, &e. ; money no object, Six ladies, with
fortunes, and 58 others. Choice made from photographs. Fee 2s. 6d. : ladies from
Is. 6 to 10. - Manchester.
The Advertiser, author of the first of these notifications, appears, we
are sorry to say, to be little, if anything, above the level of an animal.
He assumes that good looks and youth are sufficient attractions to induce
some Young Lady to answer his advertisement “ with a view to matri-
mony.” So, very likely, they are for a girl who simply wants to be
married, and to whom one man of the herd is as good as another. Such
a creature, being of the herd herself, will be suitably matched with such
a man. But, as they are two-legged animals, let us say flock instead of
herd, and trust that the good-looking advertiser and his desired mate
will prove a happy couple of geese.
The second of the foregoing matrimonial announcements looks like
business : especially when considered in connection with the following,
extracted from the Glasgow Herald:—
MATRIMONY.
Matrimonial agency office. — now on our books, 11
widowers, 7 widows, 16 men of wealth who want youth and beauty, 9 ladies
with fortunes, an orphan with £3,000, a widow with £200 a year, a curate (income
£200), 7 Dissenting ministers, and 37 others. The demand for ladies continues.
They may apply by letter or person, in confidence, as this business will be con-
ducted in a bon& fide private and respectable manner. Choice made from photo-
graphs, then interviews arranged. Fee 2s. 6d. ; ladies, from Is. 6 to 10. - Cot-
tenham Street, off Ardwiek Green.
MONEY WANTED.
We have preserved, above, the heading of an advertisement that
succeeds that immediately foregoing. In both of the preceding adver-
tisements “Matrimony” to a great extent may be considered to resolve
itself into “ Money Wanted,” hut both of them seem addressed to per-
sons rather in want of money. In matrimonial advertisement No. 1,
the “ professor of music (23). earning £150 a-year,” can be no great
catch, and the same may be affirmed of the “jeweller (27), stock worth
£800.” ((The “working man” who “has £180” is eligible as aprole-
taire. “ A gentleman (28), income £300, requires character, education,
&c.”—does he? He requires more, then, we are afraid, than he is
likely to get. To expect, not only character and education, but also
&c., at £300 a-year, even if that income is derived from fixed property,
is to be very sanguine ; and to add “ money no object,” argues fatuity.
How can this advertiser be such a fool as to think that any lady, in
these days of Crinoline, would marry a man who not only proposes to
maintain her on £300 a-year, but also not to care for the means of
affording her a more luxurious maintenance? We should like to see
the photographs of the “six ladies with fortunes,” and, if they are not
all hideous, to know what vices of temper have kept any of those for-
j tunate ladies unwillingly single. The “ widower (48),” who “ has
property,” and wants a “ lady not to be under 40,” is evidently a great
i fool. If, indeed, his property being very small, he were willing to
marry any woman ot any age, the older the better, there would be
something to be said for his mere gumption. But, being forty-eight
years of age, he ought to know better than to wish to marry at all,
unless from a base and mercenary motive. This widower must be very
unwise, or he would not have advertised for a wife not likely to leave
him, with her money, a widower again very speedily.
I In advertisement. No. 2, the second-hand wives and husbands are
probably cheap and inferior. The “ 16 men of wealth who want youth
I and beauty ” will be sure enough to get what they want, if they have
| wealth enough to give for it, in Belgravia and Tyburnia. The orphan
with £3,000 is likely to be much inquired for. Even a poor orpbau is
a prize to any man who wants to marry without letting himself in for a
mother-in-law. A rich orphan is a treasure in proportion to her wealth
—and worth. No wonder there is only one orphan on the list. Orphans
are snapped up. The “ Curate (income £200)” must be a very bad-iookiDg
man, or he might have thrown the handkerchief to any one of a multi-
t tude of young ladies busy working him slippers. We see with some
; surprise that “ the demand for ladies continues.” A style of dress at
once grotesque and expensive, and a too general affectation of masculine
airs, would, we should have feared, render that demand mode-
rate. The Matrimonial Agency Office, however, does not say that it is
large; only that it continues. It may continue not brisk, but only as
usual, and that may be flat. We have now used a word which some
may be disposed to apply to any one who, for a wife or a husband,
• resorts to a Matrimonial Agency Office.
“ Fancy Eairs.”—The ever-varying Fares of our Street Cabs.