Punch (45.1863)

154

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[October 10, 1&63.

SUGGESTIVE.

Dissipated Ballad Howler. “ Sweet Spirit, ’car my Prayer l ”

SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS.

Behold our trusty Pilot, Jack,
Between two whirlpools steering,

And, whilst from Scylla drawing back,
Cbarybdis deftly clearing.

Not winds around his bark that sweep,
Not roaring waves affright, him
Nor sharks, nor monsters of the aeep.
That grin and threat to bite him.

Him not the Great Sea Serpent can
Disturb with giddy terror.

Nor either larboard drive the man,

Or starboard, into error,

A hundred yards its head in vain
Towards the stars upraising,

Shaking aloft its horrid mane;

Its eyes like meteors blazing.

Its tail, half severed from its head,

With dire contortions lashes
The billows into foam, blood-red,

Which mess our Pilot, splashes.

Yet holds he on his middle course.

And does not, swerve or blunder.

But leaves the Snake with its own force
To writhe itself asunder.

Something for the Antiquaries,

Mrs, Fondlechick was much amused the other day by
reading in a paper that a medal had been found at Oswestry,
bearing the legend “ Augustus Imp.” “ Bless me,” she
said, “ that ’s what I say to my troublesome little Gussy
twenty times a day. Well it snows that Greek mothers
had their troubles, like us.” Her husband, who collects
Queen Anne farthings, rushed out of the room.

BANK-NOTES AND QUERIES.

Q. What is the meaning of “ a Cool Thousand ? ”

A. Allusion is made in this phrase to the thousands
that are kept cool in the Bank cellars.

THE PRINCESS AND THE PUFFERS.

People have ceased talking of the Princess Alexandra and her
rare and matchless beauty, but tradesmen do their best—or worst—to
keep her charms from fading in the memory of the public. One man
coolly writes a puff about his “Alexandra Corset,” which “ imparts the
graceful slimness” of the Princess to the figure: while another recom-
mends his “Alexandra Crinoline,” as being framed precisely on the model
of that worn by her. Alexandra Boots there are in copious abundance,
all warranted of course to make the biggest feet, as small and neat, as
hers are; and the other day we noticed the Alexandra Knickerbockers,
though we are sure our sweet Princess would never dream of wearing
such masculine attire. Still more impudent, we think, are the puff's of
the perfumers, who appear almost to hint that the Princess owes her
beauty in great, measure to their art. Thus the Alexandra Dentifrice
is said to be “much used” by her, and is stated to impart a pearly
whiteness to the teeth; while the Alexandra Hair-waver, which she
condescends to “ patronise,” is puffed in such a manner as might lead
one to imagine that she owes to its improving influence the chief
capillary attractions which beautify her head.

We expect soon to be told of the Alexandra Pearl Powder for
blanching the complexion; and we shall not be surprised if some one
has the cheek to advertise the Alexandra Rouge-pot, and endeavour to
persuade us (which would certainly be difficult) that the Priucess buys
her facial roses at his shop. Indeed while they are about it, we wonder
that the puffers don’t invent a quack specific for making the eyes
sparkle as do those of the Princess, and the Alexandra Eye-brightener
wouhl doubtless succeed well, and so, we make no question, would
the Alexandra Smile-sweetener, if ladies could be led to fancy that,
by using them they could imitate successfully the sweet smile of the
Princess.

Mr. Punch well knows the nuisance of being so good looking that
one’s always being stared at, while every one is copying one’s com-
plexion or one’s doilies. So he can sympathise sincerely with his
sweet, little Priucess, for whose relief from the impertinence of puffing
pushing tradespeople a stringent Act of Parliament should speedily be
passed.

PROTECTION OF PROPERTY FROM CRINOLINE.

So many girls continue to be burnt to death in consequence of wearing
dresses cf excessive circumference over a ventilator of Crinoline, that,
manufacturers of dress-stuff's are urgently called upon to make them
fire-proof. It is not that vain and foolish females require to be pro-
tected from the results of their own tasteless vanity, or gregarious
imitation; and if those results were limited to the combustion of a
quantity of clothes, containing a simpleton, they might he accepted as
a salutary example of the working of natural laws. If a moth will
flutter round the candle, let, it. If a young lady will surround herself
with a grate piled with fuel, and not take care how she approaches the
fire, she likewise might be allowed to find out her mistake; if she could
with perfect, safety to wiser people.

A cage was very properly placed round the top of the Monument, and
the Duke of York’s Column, to stop lunatics from jumping off those
structures; not indeed to prevent any fool from relieving Society of
himself, but lest in so doing, he should tumble upon some rational
being. In the same way, ladies’ dresses ought all to be rendered in-
combustible, not to hinder any of the daily occurring “Deaths from
Crinoline,” to the detriment of penny-a-liners, but because a foolish
woman cannot get burnt to death without being likely to set the house
on fire.

Orthodoxy and Port.

The Reverend Tobias Philpot, D.D., one of the few remaining
specimens of the good old school of English divines, in looking over a
newspaper, observed a paragraph headed “ Bishop Colenso and the
South African Clergy.” “ South African Clergy ! Hah ! ” exclaimed
Dr. Philpot, “Sir, the South African Clergy would never have had
to complain of Bishop Colenso, if Bishop Colenso had not, been
accustomed to drink South African port. Slick to sound port. Sir, and
you will persist in sound doctrine ! ”

The best Excuse eor Smoking a Pipe.—The difficulty of getting
a good Cigar.