Punch (45.1863)

23G

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 12, 1863.

TWO TALES OF THE QUEEN’S BENCH.

Circumstance over which Mr.
Punch had no control compelled
him to be present in the Court
of Queen "Victoria’s Bench the
other morning at the unplea-
santly early houroften. Having,
therefore, to get up in the mid-
dle of the night, that is to say
at, 8.30, a.m., lie drove down to
Westminster Hall, in a bad cab
and a worse temper, which latter
was in a very slight degree im-
proved by his finding all the
seats occupied, either by coun-
sel, or by the singularly frowsy
and disreputable-looking Public
which haunts the courts of jus-
tice, and makes them smell of
bad rum. He had his own
reasons for not going round
to the Lord Chief Justice’s
private room, taking his Lord-
ship’s arm-chair, dragging it into
court, and placing it next to
the Judge ; though had he done
so, there is no doubt that Sir
Alexander would have been
much pleased. Mr. Punch pre-
ferred to stand close to the j ury-
box (into which, if the public
must be told, he expected to be
invited at a later date, but,
happily, was not) where he had
excellent profile views of Mr.
Montagu Chambers and Mr.
Serjeant Parry. Briefly observing that he thinks the arrangements of this court
and every other, as regards accommodation for jurymen of the Future, as perfectly
beestly, and indignantly asking why an intelligent and elegant-minded juryman is
to stand and be squeezed in an evil-smelling crowd, while folks who have no
earthly business in the place, and who are evidently unmitigated Duffers, have all
the lofty and comfortable seats, he proceeds with his affecting narrative.

He arrived in time to be in at, the death of a case which had occupied the Court

for several days. Two respectable medical men, Doctors
Fraser and Andrews, had been persecuted during that
time fordoing, in the most professional as well as the most
humane manner, their duty in reference to a female called
Symm, who had taken to drinking, and had been a sufferer
from delirium tremens. This woman had been advised,
very wrongly, to drag her medical benefactors into a court
of law, and to try to prove that they had ill-treated her.
Mr. Serjeant Parry tore the wretched case to pieces
with his accustomed energy and skill, and Mr. Punch had
the satisfaction of hearing Sir Alexander Cockburn sum
up with a lucidity which that learned Judge, if fortunate
enough to catch the expression in Mr. Punch's eye, must
have seen afforded him great satisfaction. The jury instantly
found a verdict for the Doctors-defendant. Mr. Punch was
almost as much pleased at tbi3 as at finding that the British
Themis did not want him that day, and he fought his way
out of court, cheering like one o’clock, which it was, by Big
Ben Kedivivus.

Now these two Doctors, for doing their duty by the
woman Symm, have not only been aspersed and persecuted,
but have been put to very heavy expense in defending them-
selves. There must be an awfully long law-bill to pay. Con-
sidering that a Doctor ought not to be fined for showing
courage, skill, and humanity in a difficult and painful
case, Mr. Punch rejoices to read in the Lancet that a sub-
scription list has been opened at the office of that journal,
in order to aid these gentlemen in paying their lawyers.
With such names as those of’Dii. Forbes Winslow, Mr.
Ernest Hart, Dr. Sibson, and Mr. Fergusson at the
head of tire list, and with Mr. Punch's simple but touch-
ing narrative above given, no other guarantee can be needed
as to the merits of the case. He will therefore trouble
everybody who ever did or ever expects to need medical
service to send in something, (much or little, but much for
choice) to the Lancet Office, 423, Strand, W.C.

Also, he will trouble the Judges to ordain that seats
be kept for expectant jurymen, or, after this notice, he
shall decline paying the slightest attention to any juridical
invitation with which he may in future be honoured.

Q. What will probably be the last language spoken on
earth ? A. The Finnish.

A BOOM FROM BIG BEN.

Dear Punch,

Knowing you hate -work, as every fellow does of course who
would be thought a gentleman, I feel assured of your deep'sympathy when
I tell you that my “ hours of idleness” are over. Alas ! yes, my dear
boy, such is the melancholy fact. Only see this brutal bulletin which
has been put in print about me :—

“ Big Ben.—‘ Big Ben’ is once more announcing the time from the clock-tower
of Westminster Palace. It was discovered, on examination by the founders, Messes.
Meaes, that it was not so cracked as people imagined, and consequently it has been
again set to work. The crack did not pass completely through the metal, and
though the tones are rather subdued, it performs its functions in the most exem-
plary manner, proclaiming the passing hours to distant parts of the metropolis.”

Painful, is it not, for a bell in my position to be set to work again,
after so many pleasant months of living like a gentleman, with nothing
on earth to do, or up in the air either. As for saying 1 “ perform my
functions in the most exemplary manner,” I suppose that bit of kudos is
meant just to console me for my disappointment. I only know that
since I’ve been set to work again, I Lave done my very best to sound
my very worst, and make my voice as hoarse and husky as I can, in the
hope of being once more put upon the sick list. Give a dog a bad name
and hang him, says your proverb: but my fate was worse than that, for
the wretches hanged me first and gave me a bad name afterwards. Ah,
well, such is file ! We—I mean, we bells—are here to-day and hanged
to-morrow, and when once they’ve hanged us there is no rest for the
wicked. Cling, clang, bang 1 bim, bom, boom ! We have to work both
day and night, and get no rest even on Sundays. I hoped to have
sneaked out of it by pretending I was cracked; but. in these enlightened
times hang it! even lunatics, you know, are set to work, for you are
told employment’s good for them. Besides, they soon found out that I
was only cracked skin deep, and, as my tongue was sound enough, my
voice was not affected. Well, it comforts me to know that some folks
think me a great nuisance, and so perhaps they will petition to have me
work short hours, by which I mean that I should not be made to strike
the twelves and other long ones. I’m sure my deputy did well enough
when I was out of sorts, and I should only be too glad to hold my
tongue if they would let me. 1 must knock off rather suddenly, for

those confounded chimes are calling me to strike for them, and so
believe me, my dear boy, Yours mournfullyj Big Ben.

P.S. Would Earl Russell kindly mention my sad case, and say that
I am really much too delicate for daily active service P After what he
said in that Scottish speech of his, he must surely feel some sympathy
for those who, like myself, desire to “Rest and be thankful.”

FOULD, FOULD, FOULD !

Patience, ill-treated Emperor,

N or, baffled Paris, groan:

If you have not a Congress got,

You’ve a twelve-million Loan.

Think of the Northern saw (if sick
Glory’s high price at learning),

“ There is no loan that is so long.

But it must have a turning.”

Of money-loans that saw holds true,
Though muddy loans ’twas made for:
Howe’er long debt and glory run,

Both, at last, must be paid for !

“ The French Lake.”

Says the Parisian Opinion Nationale, “ Good bye to the Congress.
The Lords of tfce Isles have killed it.” Perhaps, not being exactly
eager to help France to her coveted title of the Lady of the Lake called
the Mediterranean.

A Caledonian Gem.—A Scotchman, upon being informed by one of
his fellow-countrymen of the name of the inventor of the Geant balloon,
said it was precisely his own case; because, if he were asked to go up
iu it, he should not hesitate to say “Nae-dare.”