Punch (45.1863)

256

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[December 26, 1863.

I

HOW, WHEN AND WHERE?

OR, THE MODERN TOURIST'S GUIDE TO THE CONTINENT.

he little village of Zermatt
is now a place of popular
resort for Tourists, of whom
no small proportion are pe-
destrians. Each of these
gentlemen who foot it merrily
is himself a Diogenes in
search of a Tub; and there-
fore we sincerely trust that
in the course of the next
century the supply of spong-
ing baths may equal the
demand. The waiter placed
no difficulty in the way of
furnishing us with our tub,
and, after a delay of some
twenty minutes, passed by
us in the dreamy anticipa-
tion of coming pleasure, the
good-natured server entered
our apartment carrying a
Zermatt sponging bath. It
was a jelly mould ! Con-
sidered as a jelly mould it
was undoubtedly a fine spe-
cimen of its kind, and would
turn out a grand angularly-
peaked shape, enough to
satisfy the requirements of sixteen sweet-toothed people; but regarding
it, as we did, in the light of a substitute for a hip-bath or tub, we
couldn’t honestly say very much in its favour. We explained our
wants to the landlord, who forthwith upbraided the waiter prettly freely
for his stupidity, and finished by bringing us a gold-fish bowl, with the
live stock swimming about in it.

At St. Nicholas they gave us a vase, of the same shape as that one,
which every one knows, with the two birds perched vis-a-vis on the two
handles, and evidently bent upon taking the first opportunity of drinking
whatever may be poured into it. Well, this was just the same as the
one above-mentioned, only without the birds.

At Florence, we still as Diogenes, were introduced to a most startling
pantomime trick in the shape of a castellated washing tub. It was shallo w,
but its width compensated for want of depth, and though a sitting
position in consequence of the pointed corners was impracticable, yet
we really hoped that here at last we should be able to obtain a good
sponging bath in our own room. Alas ! the tub was made up of ever
so many separate bits of wood, like a puzzle, held together witti a belt
of the thinnest wood, which, just as we had poured in the contents of
our can, even to the very last drop, suddenly snapped asunder, and in
another second, boots, stockings, slippers, and hastily thrown down
clothes were a prey to the wild unbounded waters.

Bologna became memorable in our annals by reason of their having
been very indignant at our denying the properties of a sponging bath
to a gigantic bread-basket, with a stiff wooden handle.

T. stands for Turin and tea-pot. ’Twas a curious old specimen and an
interesting object to us at any other time. But when you want a good
substantial cut from the roast of old England, the sight of a Pompeian
dish-cover will scarcely afford you an equal amount of satisfaction.

No, we could bear it no longer, fairly broken down by so many trials
and disappointments we sat down and wept. At that sad moment the
strains of music—soft, soothing music—fell upon our ears; and, upon the
evening draught, which came up through the long hotel passage, in at
the chinks of our door, daintily flavoured from the kitchen, there was
wafted to us a melody divinely soporific. We have got some ear for
music, and this air reminded us strongly of “ Home, Sweet Rome,:
though for the matter of that, it wasn’t a bit like it.

Dover ! Hurrah! We would stop nowhere until in the comforts of
our own old home, our own dear warm bed-room, we indulged in Our
Tub.

Arrived! Ring the bell! down with the luggage! How much.
Cabman? Six shillings. Too much, but the rascal thinks I’m a
foreigner. Ha! ha! ha! good that. Here you are; off he goes,
without a sign of gratitude. Ha! Mary—all well at home ? That’s
good. Didn’t expect us so soon ? Oh ! no fire in our bed-room ? Then
ught one—quick. No dinner? Then get a steak, bachelor’s resource;
or chops ; or—anything. Here we are in our own bed-room: neat and
cosy; fire blazing up. Travelling does make one so dirty and mucky.
Large tin hip-bath in the corner—out with it. We are ail alone; and
drag it from its recess; then proceed to unpack our sponges. Mary,
the towels! Here they are; and the hair-gloves, how for a rubber
before dinner. Bring two cans of water, Mary—quick. What’s that
she saysP Eh! Can’t have a bath? What does the girl meanf?

by here it is. Eh ! what’s that ? Something the matter with the
cistern ; no water come in to-day. No water ! Do we pay rates, taxes
—pooh! II hat do you say ? Man has been here; says there’s some-
thing wrong with the ball-cock, does he ? Hang the ball-cock ! Oh i
you have got some water from next door ? Enough for my hands—ha!
ha . But not enough for a bath ! Doesn’t Britannia rule the waves ?
And this, this is England! This, this is Home!!

Conclusion of “ The Tourist’s Guide to the Continent.”

SONG AFTER SUPPER.

Ciirishmash comes burwunce a year;

Tha’sh goorol’ shong;

Drinkallyoucan tryandrown shorra :

Sherra shtout champay sma’ beer,

Oldale an’ shtrong,

Poar’ clarra punchtoddy bremwarra.

Hark skemerry Chrishmaschimes!

Billsh cornin’ due,

Jollynow time bimeby beg or borra-
’Spose shere neverwash susktimes !

Wha’s one todo ?

Shay olchap, you-an’-I drink bremwarra

How to pass your Chrishmashnight
Tha’sh sh’ only way;

Wha’sh good bother an’ trouble ’bout morra ?
Goorol’ fellah you’re allright,

Don’ goaway!

See allblue, havecigar, more bremwarra.

Useful Family Recipe.

(To tell the Time of H-eye Water at the Adelphi.)

Take a private box there while Miss Bateman is performing. Have
your watch out ready to observe the exact minute when the audience
begins to cry, and you will afterwards be able to tell your friends pre-
cisely the time of the h-eye-water.

New Judge.

lsi Bar. Well, I’m glad he’s got the appointment.
2nd Bar. Who P
1st Bar. Why, Shee.

2nd Bar. Oh, then, why did you say He ?

THE AMERICAN LEADING JOURNAL.

The Bristol Mirror says that the New York Herald is “the paper
most largely read by Mr. Cobden’s favourite people.” Let us hope
this is a mistake. If it were the case, and if a popular newspaper repre-
sents a people, what a set of blackguards our American brethren
wmuld be!