DOI Heft:
July 28, 1866
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16878#0054
46
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[July 28, 1866,
A HORRIBLE TALE.
Mr. Punch,
Can it be true F It is too dreadful! I have read it over
three times—once in a railway tunnel, once at midnight, and, last of
all, in a dentist’s waiting-room. In a periodical, hitherto considered
highly respectable—I will not sully your pages with its title—a firm
of auctioneers up to the present moment deemed to be unexceptionable
in all the 'relations of life—I spare them, for the sake of their families,
the exposure of their names in Punch—advertise conspicuously that
they will
“ Sell by Auction 320 Texan Rifle Hunters " (
Have we not paid millions to abolish Slavery and the Slave Trade ?
What then can be the meaning of this importation of “our own flesh
aud blood” into these happy isles from the far West, not to be enfran-
chised by the seventeenth new Reform Bill, but to be “ viewed,” and
publicly sold in public auction-rooms, in one of the most public
thoroughfares of this great metropolis ? I only ask one more question.
Were any of these poor, unhappy Rifle Hunters purchased out of the
funds of the National Rifle Association by the Council, and dragged to
the butts at Wimbledon ? 0 Lord Elcho, quiet the beating of this
philanthropic heart by returning a sonorous negative !
But there is worse to come. The next item in this nefarious traffic
stands thus :—
350 Pages in Waiting” ! 1
Is our beloved Monarch aware how the necessities of her Court are
supplied P - Or are these the poor fellows who have lately lost their
comfortable situations along with Postmasters, Grooms, and Stewards,
Buckhounds, and Gentlemen Pensioners ? Will no respectable fami-
lies, where a page is kept, come forward and engage these friendless
boys by private negociation (if not already too late), and so save them
from the ignominy of being “ viewed,” and the infamy of being knocked
down to the highest bidder ? Where is Exeter Hall ? What are the
Missionary Societies doing ? 0 Lord Shaftesbury, allay the
throbbing of my lacerated heart by pledging yourself to undertake the
protection of these desolate children!
Take some stimulant, dear Mr. Punch, before you read my third
extract:—
“ 644 Eccentric Personages ” ! ! I
Think of it. Erom six to seven hundred more flighty creatures let
loose on evening society, already inconveniently crowded with too
many of the same breed, each with his own choice delusion—that he is
the lucky possessor of a patent invention certain to make your fortune,
if you will only advance a few hundreds to enable him to work out his
plans; or that he has sent such a capital joke to Punch, which is sure
to be in next Wednesday • or is going to propose to a girl with five
hundred pounds a year of her own, who is dying to have him, &c., &c.
Can notlnng be done to prevent such an alarming immigration of well-
dressed lunatics ? Is it too late to pass a short Act through Parlia-
ment, or issue an order in Council ?
How is your nervous system ? Have you any affection of the heart
■which a sudden shock might render fatal ? Then don’t read what
follows :—
“ 500 Undiscovered Crimes ” ! !!!
I have been prostrate on a spring couch, with iced beverages within
easy reach, ever since my eyes fell on this awful announcement; and I
have now only strength left to adjure you, Sir Richard Matne, to
put these cases in the hands of your most experienced officers; and to
exhort you, 0 startling novelists, who
Tell us all, in monthly numbers,
Life is but a ghastly dream,
Such as those we have in slumbers,
When the night-mare makes us scream,
to take swift carriages, and hasten to the auction-rooms (you shall
have the direction, if you will forward a stamped envelope to the
address at the foot of this letter), and bid up to any amount for these
indispensable accessories to your next thrilling plots.
Your horror-stricken Correspondent,
177a, Indecorum Street, JV.C. Gaspard Shudderleigh.
P.S. I ought to have told you that all these iniquities were
“ By order of the High Court of Chancery ”!!!!!
PP.S. A ray of hope breaks in, magnesium-like, on my soul. They
may have been—books,
Similia Similibus.
Homceopathy was tried for the cure of the Cattle Plague, and
proved unsuccessful. It has been suggested, and the suggestion sounds
well, that an infinitesimal scraping of cheese-rind, would probably be
found as effectual a homoeopathic remedy as any other for the rinderpest.
ETON COLLEGE v. HARROW SCHOOL.
FRIDAY and SATURDAY, JULY 13 and 14, at LORD’S.
Of all joys in preparation, for the “ midsummer vacation,”
What pleasure has a thrill which can compare
To that we feel in greeting, friend and toe at that great meeting*
At Lord’s each year, when all the world is there.
Now, if I were some old swell, Sir, in what language would I tell, Sir,
Of the spectacle which always meets your eye !
But if you ’ll not be hard, Sir, on a shy incipient bard, Sir,
To portray that glorious scene he now will try.
Eive hundred proud steeds prancing, sunbeams on their sleek coats
glancing.
Their riders the creme of the “ upper ten.”
Of whom thousands more are walking, nor of augnt are tney an tauung
But the prowess of their rival “ fancy men.”
Crowds of England’s fairest daughters, are compressed into close quarters.
Some in carriages and some in the “ Grand Stand.”
They are all attired in blue, Sir—some light some in darker hue, Sir.
And a krect card is in ev’ry little hand.
And, regardless of complexion, in the interest and affection,
Which they feel for sons or brothers in each “team.”
These tender loving creatures expose all day lovely features.
To the fiercest summer sun’s relentless gleam.
Myriads of small boys are shouting, in accents sure, or doubting.
Well played ! well bowled ! well caught! well left alone !
Or invite displays of science, by hurling back defiance,
When other men are praised before their own.
Lunch time comes ana corks are flying, men the fair one’s wants sup-
plying,
Proffer bumpers of champagne or of Moselle ;
Or satisfy the little hand which is, extended for some sandwiches—
Extended ! but no ! tales we will not tell.
All the while heroes contending, in the struggle never ending,
Do honour to the College, or the School.
Though defeated, never yielding—very weary, gamely fielding,
Plitting freely—batting “ maidens,” selon rule.
Though of late the strife’s one-sided, let not Eton be derided,
She is ready to fight pluckily up-hill,
Lubbock, Thornton, Alexander, and all the gallant band—tier
Representatives have worked, and with a will.
Harrow’s cup was never fuller, than when gallant E. C. Buller
(By Maitland nobly aided) led her on.
And—his name will rhyme -with brimstone—you perceive that I mean
Grimston,
Then as great “E. C.’s ” contemporary shone.
To conclude, if I must own a leaning “floreat Ptonaf
Is the burden of my war-cry for this week.
Now. I merely, add. this pray’r, a very short concise affair, a
Sentiment which for itself will surely speak
As of old her fame was written by A. Lubbock and a Tritton.
In characters which time will ne’er efface.
So in Sixty-six may Eton as victorious—or beaten,
In the Annals of the same retain her place.
" 20;000 last year.
“ READY, AYE READY.”
Now the Miantonomoh has crossed the Atlantic, we shall have to
re-re-construct our Navy after her pattern, to be a match for the
Americans.
By the time we have done that, the Americans will probably have
invented a diving-boat to destroy Miantonomohs by pinning torpedoes
to their bottoms. Or else, or also, they will have invented huge steam-
rams calculated to run Miantonomohs dowm, and sink them. The
Americans will doubtless be wiser than to throw away powder and
shot on experiments in gunnery on vessels that show but six inches
above the water.
It may be that the Americans will not invent the diving-boat and the
ram themselves. The American Government will perhaps buy the idea
of those contrivances of an Englishman who will have had the offer of
it rejected by Iris own.
When we are provided with Miantonomohs, then, in the unfortunate
event of war between England and the United States, we shall be in a
position to cope with the Americans as at present armed. Before that
time, they most likely will have provided themselves with torpedo
diving-boats and anti -Miantonomoh steam-rams. Then, but not till
then, we shall do the same. Let us hope that war will not break out
in the meanwhile.
Interesting Intelligence.—It is said that an exhibition of Con-
verted Rifles will shortly take place in Exeter Hall.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[July 28, 1866,
A HORRIBLE TALE.
Mr. Punch,
Can it be true F It is too dreadful! I have read it over
three times—once in a railway tunnel, once at midnight, and, last of
all, in a dentist’s waiting-room. In a periodical, hitherto considered
highly respectable—I will not sully your pages with its title—a firm
of auctioneers up to the present moment deemed to be unexceptionable
in all the 'relations of life—I spare them, for the sake of their families,
the exposure of their names in Punch—advertise conspicuously that
they will
“ Sell by Auction 320 Texan Rifle Hunters " (
Have we not paid millions to abolish Slavery and the Slave Trade ?
What then can be the meaning of this importation of “our own flesh
aud blood” into these happy isles from the far West, not to be enfran-
chised by the seventeenth new Reform Bill, but to be “ viewed,” and
publicly sold in public auction-rooms, in one of the most public
thoroughfares of this great metropolis ? I only ask one more question.
Were any of these poor, unhappy Rifle Hunters purchased out of the
funds of the National Rifle Association by the Council, and dragged to
the butts at Wimbledon ? 0 Lord Elcho, quiet the beating of this
philanthropic heart by returning a sonorous negative !
But there is worse to come. The next item in this nefarious traffic
stands thus :—
350 Pages in Waiting” ! 1
Is our beloved Monarch aware how the necessities of her Court are
supplied P - Or are these the poor fellows who have lately lost their
comfortable situations along with Postmasters, Grooms, and Stewards,
Buckhounds, and Gentlemen Pensioners ? Will no respectable fami-
lies, where a page is kept, come forward and engage these friendless
boys by private negociation (if not already too late), and so save them
from the ignominy of being “ viewed,” and the infamy of being knocked
down to the highest bidder ? Where is Exeter Hall ? What are the
Missionary Societies doing ? 0 Lord Shaftesbury, allay the
throbbing of my lacerated heart by pledging yourself to undertake the
protection of these desolate children!
Take some stimulant, dear Mr. Punch, before you read my third
extract:—
“ 644 Eccentric Personages ” ! ! I
Think of it. Erom six to seven hundred more flighty creatures let
loose on evening society, already inconveniently crowded with too
many of the same breed, each with his own choice delusion—that he is
the lucky possessor of a patent invention certain to make your fortune,
if you will only advance a few hundreds to enable him to work out his
plans; or that he has sent such a capital joke to Punch, which is sure
to be in next Wednesday • or is going to propose to a girl with five
hundred pounds a year of her own, who is dying to have him, &c., &c.
Can notlnng be done to prevent such an alarming immigration of well-
dressed lunatics ? Is it too late to pass a short Act through Parlia-
ment, or issue an order in Council ?
How is your nervous system ? Have you any affection of the heart
■which a sudden shock might render fatal ? Then don’t read what
follows :—
“ 500 Undiscovered Crimes ” ! !!!
I have been prostrate on a spring couch, with iced beverages within
easy reach, ever since my eyes fell on this awful announcement; and I
have now only strength left to adjure you, Sir Richard Matne, to
put these cases in the hands of your most experienced officers; and to
exhort you, 0 startling novelists, who
Tell us all, in monthly numbers,
Life is but a ghastly dream,
Such as those we have in slumbers,
When the night-mare makes us scream,
to take swift carriages, and hasten to the auction-rooms (you shall
have the direction, if you will forward a stamped envelope to the
address at the foot of this letter), and bid up to any amount for these
indispensable accessories to your next thrilling plots.
Your horror-stricken Correspondent,
177a, Indecorum Street, JV.C. Gaspard Shudderleigh.
P.S. I ought to have told you that all these iniquities were
“ By order of the High Court of Chancery ”!!!!!
PP.S. A ray of hope breaks in, magnesium-like, on my soul. They
may have been—books,
Similia Similibus.
Homceopathy was tried for the cure of the Cattle Plague, and
proved unsuccessful. It has been suggested, and the suggestion sounds
well, that an infinitesimal scraping of cheese-rind, would probably be
found as effectual a homoeopathic remedy as any other for the rinderpest.
ETON COLLEGE v. HARROW SCHOOL.
FRIDAY and SATURDAY, JULY 13 and 14, at LORD’S.
Of all joys in preparation, for the “ midsummer vacation,”
What pleasure has a thrill which can compare
To that we feel in greeting, friend and toe at that great meeting*
At Lord’s each year, when all the world is there.
Now, if I were some old swell, Sir, in what language would I tell, Sir,
Of the spectacle which always meets your eye !
But if you ’ll not be hard, Sir, on a shy incipient bard, Sir,
To portray that glorious scene he now will try.
Eive hundred proud steeds prancing, sunbeams on their sleek coats
glancing.
Their riders the creme of the “ upper ten.”
Of whom thousands more are walking, nor of augnt are tney an tauung
But the prowess of their rival “ fancy men.”
Crowds of England’s fairest daughters, are compressed into close quarters.
Some in carriages and some in the “ Grand Stand.”
They are all attired in blue, Sir—some light some in darker hue, Sir.
And a krect card is in ev’ry little hand.
And, regardless of complexion, in the interest and affection,
Which they feel for sons or brothers in each “team.”
These tender loving creatures expose all day lovely features.
To the fiercest summer sun’s relentless gleam.
Myriads of small boys are shouting, in accents sure, or doubting.
Well played ! well bowled ! well caught! well left alone !
Or invite displays of science, by hurling back defiance,
When other men are praised before their own.
Lunch time comes ana corks are flying, men the fair one’s wants sup-
plying,
Proffer bumpers of champagne or of Moselle ;
Or satisfy the little hand which is, extended for some sandwiches—
Extended ! but no ! tales we will not tell.
All the while heroes contending, in the struggle never ending,
Do honour to the College, or the School.
Though defeated, never yielding—very weary, gamely fielding,
Plitting freely—batting “ maidens,” selon rule.
Though of late the strife’s one-sided, let not Eton be derided,
She is ready to fight pluckily up-hill,
Lubbock, Thornton, Alexander, and all the gallant band—tier
Representatives have worked, and with a will.
Harrow’s cup was never fuller, than when gallant E. C. Buller
(By Maitland nobly aided) led her on.
And—his name will rhyme -with brimstone—you perceive that I mean
Grimston,
Then as great “E. C.’s ” contemporary shone.
To conclude, if I must own a leaning “floreat Ptonaf
Is the burden of my war-cry for this week.
Now. I merely, add. this pray’r, a very short concise affair, a
Sentiment which for itself will surely speak
As of old her fame was written by A. Lubbock and a Tritton.
In characters which time will ne’er efface.
So in Sixty-six may Eton as victorious—or beaten,
In the Annals of the same retain her place.
" 20;000 last year.
“ READY, AYE READY.”
Now the Miantonomoh has crossed the Atlantic, we shall have to
re-re-construct our Navy after her pattern, to be a match for the
Americans.
By the time we have done that, the Americans will probably have
invented a diving-boat to destroy Miantonomohs by pinning torpedoes
to their bottoms. Or else, or also, they will have invented huge steam-
rams calculated to run Miantonomohs dowm, and sink them. The
Americans will doubtless be wiser than to throw away powder and
shot on experiments in gunnery on vessels that show but six inches
above the water.
It may be that the Americans will not invent the diving-boat and the
ram themselves. The American Government will perhaps buy the idea
of those contrivances of an Englishman who will have had the offer of
it rejected by Iris own.
When we are provided with Miantonomohs, then, in the unfortunate
event of war between England and the United States, we shall be in a
position to cope with the Americans as at present armed. Before that
time, they most likely will have provided themselves with torpedo
diving-boats and anti -Miantonomoh steam-rams. Then, but not till
then, we shall do the same. Let us hope that war will not break out
in the meanwhile.
Interesting Intelligence.—It is said that an exhibition of Con-
verted Rifles will shortly take place in Exeter Hall.