Punch (51.1866)

December 8, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

229


TOUCHING-RATHER !

BALLADS BOR BACHELORS.

THE LOVER TO HIS LAMP.

Colza ! thou, dear deceitful oil
Pray give a gladsome light,

While fancy springs from this dull soil
Like Lark in vocal flight.

Eor thee trim taper 1 resign—

Price—Palmer—short and long,

0 ! Smile as thou wert wont, benign
On my unfinished song.

A simple Sonnet fain I ’d pen
To Blanche’s bow-like brow,

Of lines I have completed ten,

And four are wanting now.

The Troubadour of olden times,

Though many miles he’d tramp.

Was not pull’d up, when press’d for rhymes,
To coax a sulky lamp.

Oh ! shocking sight my Colza smokes,

(A horrid habit she has)

In vain my heart the Muse invokes,

Clouds compass my ide-as.

With what wild rapture would I write,

By gloom no more depress’d,

If thy flame, Colza, burnt as bright
As that which warms my breast.

An Awkward Reminiscence.

One of the Eenian orators (in America) said, according
to the Tribune: “ England ! Do we fear her guns ? They
will be found loaded with blank cartridge only.” _ Perhaps.
But she found guns so loaded very effectual in disposing of
certain Indian rebels. However, we hope to manage
without remitting Mr. Stephens, by instalments, to the
haddocks in Dublin bay.

My Lord. “ Dear me, what a remarkably Small Pheasant, Rogers ! ”

Rogers (the Keeper). “ Well, she allits wer’ a weakly Bird, m’ Lord. I , Medical.—Annuitants are subject to a peculiar malady

never thought i should ’a Reared her ! ” 1 known as the long-liver complaint.

THE PRESS AND THE LAW.

Mr.. Punch cannot regret the result of Mr. Doulton’s application
to the Queen’s Bench, 'touching a remarkably severe castigation which
I was awarded to that gentleman by the Daily Telegraph. Much that was
in the article Mr. Punch thinks might well have been omitted. Mr.
Doulton had only exercised the right of a Member who scorns to be a
Delegate. But the remarks were addressed to Lambeth, and the
i writer probably considered the tastes of that quarter, which is not
| famous for refinement. Be that as it may, there is far too much en-
couragement given to persons who are irritated by press comments to
avail themselves of the aid of old father Antic, tlie Law. Instead of
profiting by newspaper counsel, and amending any conduct which is
justly complained of, the chastised individual flies to an attorney, and
too many juries assist the couple in obtaining pecuniary consolation for
j a well-deserved punishment. Many jurors are simply stupid asses, and
' many others have a fellow-feeling for a man whose tricks of trade they
I probably practise, with better luck. Eor instance, this very Lambeth
is notorious for its crop of rascally tradesmen who cheat the poor with
false weights and. measures. Mr. Thomas Hughes, the Member for
' Lambeth, with _ his accustomed courage, flung the fact right in the
I teeth of a meeting of Lambeth-folk the other day, and the report says
! that he was hissed. The hissers were probably either scoundrels who
had been fined, or sympathisers with knavery. The ridiculous little
penalties that are inflicted on those who cheat with false weights and
j measures are the laughing stock of that class of tradesmen, who pay
the fine, grin, and recoup themselves, by the same means, in a couple of
days of roguery. Punch would like to see their ears nailed to their
shop-doors, or to a pillory, as he delicately hinted in a recent picture.
The remedy is preposterously weak, and there is no publication of the
names of the knaves. Consequently, the journalist has a right to speak
out on the part of the public. Yet, if Mr. Punch should select a few of
the names of the rascals, and parade them before the public, some
dirty attorney would bring an action against him, and idiotic or dis-
honest jurors would probably be found to give damages to the cheating
i scoundrels, though Mr. Punch, who cannot know anything personally
of such fellows, would have acted only in the interest of society. His
remarks, of course, do not apply in the remotest degree to the case of
Mr. Doulton, who has shown himself a gentleman of spirit, and also

of sense (except in his ill-advised attempt at a press prosecution), but
we are glad that he has failed, and Punch will always be glad to see a
failure of any endeavours to gag the press, whether such endeavour be
made by an honest politician, in a moment of unwise irritation, or by an
advertising quack writhing under a newspaper lash. The result of the
action by “Doctor” Hunter against our contemporary the Pall Mall
Gazette must delight everyone who honours the noble profession of
which the plaintiff pretended to be a recognised member, and Mr. Punch
thanks Lord Chief Justice Cockburn for steadily keeping the facts
before the jury, and Mr. P. also compliments the jury on their exact
appreciation of the value of the plaintiff’s professional character.
Hunter got a verdict, damages one farthing, and the public is to be
congratulated on the termination thus put to the medical career of a
man who traded on the ignorant terrors of the afflicted.

SKIRTS AND STREET-SWEEPERS.

Street-Sweepers and scavengers will rejoice in the prospect of
increasing employment which they may derive from the intelligence,
announced by Le Follet, that—

“ As winter costumes make their appeaiance, short dresses are seen to be more
and more in favour; in fact, for walking dress the trained skirts may be said to be
quite out of date, they are reserved for in-doors or carriage wear.”

Instead of sweeping up the mud, and other varieties of “ matter in
its wrong place,” about the streets, the skirts of ladies will now, it may
be hoped, sweep clear of those incidental trimmings to the hems of
their garments. A man riding inside of an omnibus, when the female
passengers brush by him, will perhaps no longer be liable to have his
knees anointed with the borders of their trains.

University Intelligence.

Young Oxford appears to be Conservative, not to say reactionary.
Every week we expect to read that the great partiality the men show
for coaches” has resulted in a majority at the Union against Rail-
ways ; or to hear of a motion being carried in favour of a return to
spade husbandry, by the votes of those undergraduates who are averse
to a “ ploughing.”