Punch (51.1866)

November 17, I860.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE MAN OP ASCOT HEATH.

My Good Man,

Somebody, I hope, will read you this letter. I saw the
account of you given by Mr. Pearse to the Bishop of Oxford. He
sent it to the Times. It made me laugh. So you won’t let your
children go to school, even though they may go there for nothing.
Yon are a fine fellow !

I day say, now, you would like to get some money. I will tell you
how you can. The Pat Cattle Show is coming on. Yon have a will
of your own. So has a pig. If yon were to be shown close by the
Pat Cattle Show, most of the people who go there to see the pigs,
because they admire pigs, and like their ways, would also go and
see you.

if yon like, I will propose a subscription to raise money enough for
the hire of a place to show you in at Islington, where the Pat Cattle
Show will be. Yon shall have all the profits. Afterwards you could
go about the country in a travelling van, and be shown at fairs,
among sheep with six legs, pig-faced ladies, and other monsters. Many
such as yourself would come to see you, shake hands with you, pat you
on the back, and poke your sides. Then you might be shown at
Manchester and the like large towns, where you would be stared at by
crowds of a more knowing sort of people. Lastly, I would speak
to my friend Mr. Barnum, and try and get him to take you
over to America, and show you in the United States ; for the well-
taught Americans would look upon you as a great curiosity.

You would be put to no trouble in being shown. You would only
have to sit at ease in a pen, and he down when you liked. There
would be bacon and bread-and-cheese for you, and beer, in plenty, and
a pipe to smoke. You might speak when spoken to, or not, just as
you chose; and, if you did speak, nothing more would be expected
of yon than a grunt.

The charge to people for being let in to see you, we will say, would

be one shilling. There vould be a picture of you, as large as life,
outside of the show, and a man would stand there blowing a horn
from time to time, or beating a gong, and shouting “ Walk up walk
up, ladies and gentlemen! Walk up and see the Man of Ascot Heath
who won’t let his children go to school.” “ The Man of Ascot Heath”
is the name which you would go by; or you might be shown as “ The
Unlearned Pig.” You will neither send your children to be taught,
nor let others teach them, and so you act a sort of Pig that beats the
famous Dog in the Manger. There are many people who would go
a long way to see such a chap as you, and besides the money they
would pay for that sight, there would be what might be got_ by the
sale of your likeness, done upon a card by the help of sunshine, and
so, in your carte, you might be represented as a carter. Your picture,
I am sure, would be a very cap-ti-va-ting object in the pages of

P.S. Perhaps Mr. Bright might like to take you with him to
public meetings, and show you as a disgrace to the gentry and clergy.

THE GRAMMAR CLASS EXAMINATION.

Preceptor {blandly). Very good, Charles, very good, indeed. Now,
Charles, what is a verb ?

Charles. A verb is a noun. Sir.

Preceptor {aghast). A what ? A verb a noun ? How d’ ye make that
out ?

Charles. Because it’s the name of a thing, Sir.

Preceptor {furiously). Name of a thing ! What thing, blockhead ?
Charles. Of a part of speech.

Preceptor {cuttingly). And, pray, what in your wisdom may a part of
speech be ?

Charles. Part of a noun, Sir ; because speech is a noun.

[Charles is told he will be called up privately.

PLEASING INTELLIGENCE

FOR YOUNG VERDANT, WHO NOW POSSESSES A HUNTER FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Ensign Verdant. “ Haw ! You weally think he will Suit me ?”

Dealer {assuringly). “ I can only Tell ye, Sir, that he ’as Distinguished hisself with all the Crack Packs in the
Country, and if he only hears Hounds, he will be with ’em ; and once with ’em, why—-no Man in England can Stop him.’’