DOI Heft:
September 29, 1866
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16878#0145
September 29, 1866.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
137
THE LOVER’S COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER.
he world, once upon a
time was indebted
to Mr, Punch for ins
Complete Letter-
writer, which, it is
needless to remind
that world, has ever
sincebeen its manual
for epistolary com-
pilation. Therein
the Merchant, the
Bishop, the States-
man, the Shop-
keeper, the Lover,
could find a guide
and a familiar friend.
There were sample’s
of all sorts, colours,
and sizes, fitting every hand better than the finest Parisian kid. In such
a volume, of course, particular attention could not be given to the
various individual cases included under any one head, therefore the
j appearance of a small red-covered book entitled The Lover’s Corre-
spondent, has not in any way taken Mr. Punch by surprise. On the con-
j trary he has long expected such a production, and it has come at last.
Much, however, as this little work has achieved, it yet falls short of
being a Complete Lover’s Manual “in all matters relating to Court-
ship and Matrimony.” It is no disparagement of the book to say that
it is an Incomplete Letter Writer, for the complementary suggestions
which Mr. Punch, by the hands of his ready writer, intends to throw
in, can only be appreciated after a careful perusal of the volume in
question. With this slight, but necessary, preface Mr. Punch will now
offer to the letter-writing public, a few elegant specimens of such a
style as will, if happily imitated by even the very dullest lovers, speedily
lead to a termination eminently satisfactory to all parties concerned.
| Letter I.—From a Gentleman to a Lady he has only seen once, when he
was mounting to the knife-board of a Brompton omnibus.
Madam or Miss, 19, Bucklersbury Walk.
The first glimpse that you caught of me the other day must
have been when I was half way up on my road to the top of the public
conveyance, which had the inexpressible delight of carrying you as far
as it is legally allowed, “ all the way,” for the small sum of one-third
of a shilling; that is, Madam or Miss, you would have seen me, or
part of me, if you had then cast your sparkling glances in the direc-
tion of my boots, which I now remember, with regret, were more or
less sprinkled with the murky mud, for which the streets of our
metropolis are so famous.
But, Madam, or Miss, / had seen you ; and, in one second, the tele-
scopic dart of Cupid the God of Love had. pierced through to my heart.
Feeble must necessarily be any description of the sudden shock, which,
together with that occasioned by the onward movement of the vehicle,
caused me to fall forwards and clutch with the desperation of a drown-
ing man at the legs and umbrellas of my fellow-passengers. Did you
not, Madame, or Miss, feel a sympathy with me during the journey P
I sat above you, having selected a seat just over the spot where I
knew your beautiful head was. Yes, Madam, or Miss, there was, as
the Poet has observed—
A sweet little Cherub who sat up aloft
To keep watch for the life-”
of the lady of his heart. Did you not notice a gentle tapping against
the window-pane at your back? ’Twas caused by the cane of your
devoted adnurer, and was meant to convey the intelligence that he was
ever thinking of Thee. Ah ! Madam, or Miss—
“ Ever of Thee, I’m fondly dreaming
“ Thy gentle heart my (I forget what, exactly) can cheer.”
As that lovely song says, which, no doubt, you sing. Prompted by
this impulse, 1 ascertained your name from the Postman, who, a few
moments after your arrival at your own portals, which were shut in my
face by an untutored maiden, brought a letter to the house. Now,
Madam, or Miss, I offer you my hand, and trust that you will deign to
send me a few words of reply, by way of encouragement to such an
ardent lover as is
Your Impassioned Slave,
ou in the neighbourhood, I ’ll give you the soundest hiding you ’ve
ad lor many a long day. Dash. {Late Bengal Light Blue.)
Augustus Du Gosling.
To Mrs., or Miss Bash, 19, Knittington Villas, Brompton.
Reply to the former {slightly unfavourable).
From Captain Dash, 19, Knittington Villas, to Mr. Aug. Du Gosling.
Sir,—You are a conceited snob, and an impudent, impertinent low
blackguard of a puppy. If I find another letter of yours here, or catch
Letter II.—From a Small Tradesman, who has fallen in love with a
casual customer, supposed by him to be nothing less than a Countess
in her own right.
To Mrs. or Miss Starling, 150, Belgrave Square.
Honoured Maddam or Respected Miss,
Yours to hand and note contents which was a postofice order
for the sum spended in groceries and such like As my house has no
rival compettitoes in this same line of business which your image has
not neither in my bossom. I trust you will not deem the pursuit of
commerce incompattible with refined sentiments, &c. When I handid
you them currents the last time as you was making your few purshases
did you not notice a somethink in my eye as purtended more than a
ordinnary transaction ? If you counted them on returning to your
homicide * you would perceive the quantity to be increased by six
more than can be in a ordinnary way obtained for 2\d. This I hope
you saw, also, in the green and black teas, and the lump; if you will
honour me some other time by counting your lumps you will find that
I helps you as I loves you, very good measure over and above. Should
this communication appear sudden and abrupt, consider that I am
writing it on my counter under very distracting circumstances. I
offer you my hand and my heart and you can look over my ledger and
the books, at any time, to see the increasing extent of my very pros-
perous business. Thanking you, honoured Madam, or Respected Miss,
lor past favours and hoping for a continuation of the same, and to
deserve them for the future, though you may be far above my lot of
life, but am ambitius to perspire to your eksalted station, which will
never make any deference in my regards as to you Honoured Madam
or Respected Miss, though you were an Empress or a daughter of a
Lord, I finish this present with a few saline words as may be found
apropriate to the circumstancies, in a cracker which was returned as
having no sweet inside of it:—
“ I love you Miss with my whole heart,
Why should you and I for ever part.”
Which is my sentiments to a tea, and hoping they leave you as this
does me at present I remain
Honoured Madam, or Respected Miss, your fond adorrer,
Mogg Sr Co.’s Tea Warehouse, John Mogg.
Eliza Street, Pimlico.
Answer {favourable) to the above.
From Miss Starling, 150, Belgrave Square {supposed to have been
the Countess.)
My Dear Mr. Mogg,
I have receive your amabel letter and shall hav much pleshur
in continering the akaintans so formd. My time out is nex Sundy
night for evnin Church which I will met you by the pillow post where
this is post too do not be impunkshal, or affer all you have ben an say
to me m your fitter I shal die, I no I shal, til I see you at that our 54
nex Sundy. Your luving
Susan Anne.
P.S. I did feel you skeesun my hand but fund no more currents
than arskt for. Tne potry was buterful.
* Small tradesman for Domicile.
SHOCKING BRUTALITY.
Mr. Punch,
Somebody, I believe, has lately thought fit to publish a com-
pilation of the sayings of celebrated authors in the praise and dispraise
of “ lovely woman.” I have not seen that work. I do not wish to
see it, but all well-regulated female minds will agree with me when I
venture to assert that it contains nothing so atrocious as what I am
about to introduce to you.
In a report of the proceedings of the Commission sitting to inquire
into the purity, or otherwise, of the Electors of the Borough of Totnes,
one of the Commissioners was a Mr. Bere, and he was examining a
witness called Chapple
“ Mr. Bere. Did you tell any human being about your coming here to-day T
“Witness. Human being? No, Sir.”
Should not Mr. Bere have been satisfied P I say, emphatically.
Yes. But he fiendishly proceeds :—
“ Mr. Bere. Did you not tell your wife?
“ Witness. Yes, Sir.”
Let us hope, Mr. Punch, for the sake of that unhappy witness, that
Mrs. C. is not a highly-developed strong-minded female, but that she
is small in stature, and of an angelic temperament.
You may, or may not, just as you please, consider me a misogynist,
but I have much pleasure in subscribing myself, A Bachelor.
Vcl. 51.
5—2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
137
THE LOVER’S COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER.
he world, once upon a
time was indebted
to Mr, Punch for ins
Complete Letter-
writer, which, it is
needless to remind
that world, has ever
sincebeen its manual
for epistolary com-
pilation. Therein
the Merchant, the
Bishop, the States-
man, the Shop-
keeper, the Lover,
could find a guide
and a familiar friend.
There were sample’s
of all sorts, colours,
and sizes, fitting every hand better than the finest Parisian kid. In such
a volume, of course, particular attention could not be given to the
various individual cases included under any one head, therefore the
j appearance of a small red-covered book entitled The Lover’s Corre-
spondent, has not in any way taken Mr. Punch by surprise. On the con-
j trary he has long expected such a production, and it has come at last.
Much, however, as this little work has achieved, it yet falls short of
being a Complete Lover’s Manual “in all matters relating to Court-
ship and Matrimony.” It is no disparagement of the book to say that
it is an Incomplete Letter Writer, for the complementary suggestions
which Mr. Punch, by the hands of his ready writer, intends to throw
in, can only be appreciated after a careful perusal of the volume in
question. With this slight, but necessary, preface Mr. Punch will now
offer to the letter-writing public, a few elegant specimens of such a
style as will, if happily imitated by even the very dullest lovers, speedily
lead to a termination eminently satisfactory to all parties concerned.
| Letter I.—From a Gentleman to a Lady he has only seen once, when he
was mounting to the knife-board of a Brompton omnibus.
Madam or Miss, 19, Bucklersbury Walk.
The first glimpse that you caught of me the other day must
have been when I was half way up on my road to the top of the public
conveyance, which had the inexpressible delight of carrying you as far
as it is legally allowed, “ all the way,” for the small sum of one-third
of a shilling; that is, Madam or Miss, you would have seen me, or
part of me, if you had then cast your sparkling glances in the direc-
tion of my boots, which I now remember, with regret, were more or
less sprinkled with the murky mud, for which the streets of our
metropolis are so famous.
But, Madam, or Miss, / had seen you ; and, in one second, the tele-
scopic dart of Cupid the God of Love had. pierced through to my heart.
Feeble must necessarily be any description of the sudden shock, which,
together with that occasioned by the onward movement of the vehicle,
caused me to fall forwards and clutch with the desperation of a drown-
ing man at the legs and umbrellas of my fellow-passengers. Did you
not, Madame, or Miss, feel a sympathy with me during the journey P
I sat above you, having selected a seat just over the spot where I
knew your beautiful head was. Yes, Madam, or Miss, there was, as
the Poet has observed—
A sweet little Cherub who sat up aloft
To keep watch for the life-”
of the lady of his heart. Did you not notice a gentle tapping against
the window-pane at your back? ’Twas caused by the cane of your
devoted adnurer, and was meant to convey the intelligence that he was
ever thinking of Thee. Ah ! Madam, or Miss—
“ Ever of Thee, I’m fondly dreaming
“ Thy gentle heart my (I forget what, exactly) can cheer.”
As that lovely song says, which, no doubt, you sing. Prompted by
this impulse, 1 ascertained your name from the Postman, who, a few
moments after your arrival at your own portals, which were shut in my
face by an untutored maiden, brought a letter to the house. Now,
Madam, or Miss, I offer you my hand, and trust that you will deign to
send me a few words of reply, by way of encouragement to such an
ardent lover as is
Your Impassioned Slave,
ou in the neighbourhood, I ’ll give you the soundest hiding you ’ve
ad lor many a long day. Dash. {Late Bengal Light Blue.)
Augustus Du Gosling.
To Mrs., or Miss Bash, 19, Knittington Villas, Brompton.
Reply to the former {slightly unfavourable).
From Captain Dash, 19, Knittington Villas, to Mr. Aug. Du Gosling.
Sir,—You are a conceited snob, and an impudent, impertinent low
blackguard of a puppy. If I find another letter of yours here, or catch
Letter II.—From a Small Tradesman, who has fallen in love with a
casual customer, supposed by him to be nothing less than a Countess
in her own right.
To Mrs. or Miss Starling, 150, Belgrave Square.
Honoured Maddam or Respected Miss,
Yours to hand and note contents which was a postofice order
for the sum spended in groceries and such like As my house has no
rival compettitoes in this same line of business which your image has
not neither in my bossom. I trust you will not deem the pursuit of
commerce incompattible with refined sentiments, &c. When I handid
you them currents the last time as you was making your few purshases
did you not notice a somethink in my eye as purtended more than a
ordinnary transaction ? If you counted them on returning to your
homicide * you would perceive the quantity to be increased by six
more than can be in a ordinnary way obtained for 2\d. This I hope
you saw, also, in the green and black teas, and the lump; if you will
honour me some other time by counting your lumps you will find that
I helps you as I loves you, very good measure over and above. Should
this communication appear sudden and abrupt, consider that I am
writing it on my counter under very distracting circumstances. I
offer you my hand and my heart and you can look over my ledger and
the books, at any time, to see the increasing extent of my very pros-
perous business. Thanking you, honoured Madam, or Respected Miss,
lor past favours and hoping for a continuation of the same, and to
deserve them for the future, though you may be far above my lot of
life, but am ambitius to perspire to your eksalted station, which will
never make any deference in my regards as to you Honoured Madam
or Respected Miss, though you were an Empress or a daughter of a
Lord, I finish this present with a few saline words as may be found
apropriate to the circumstancies, in a cracker which was returned as
having no sweet inside of it:—
“ I love you Miss with my whole heart,
Why should you and I for ever part.”
Which is my sentiments to a tea, and hoping they leave you as this
does me at present I remain
Honoured Madam, or Respected Miss, your fond adorrer,
Mogg Sr Co.’s Tea Warehouse, John Mogg.
Eliza Street, Pimlico.
Answer {favourable) to the above.
From Miss Starling, 150, Belgrave Square {supposed to have been
the Countess.)
My Dear Mr. Mogg,
I have receive your amabel letter and shall hav much pleshur
in continering the akaintans so formd. My time out is nex Sundy
night for evnin Church which I will met you by the pillow post where
this is post too do not be impunkshal, or affer all you have ben an say
to me m your fitter I shal die, I no I shal, til I see you at that our 54
nex Sundy. Your luving
Susan Anne.
P.S. I did feel you skeesun my hand but fund no more currents
than arskt for. Tne potry was buterful.
* Small tradesman for Domicile.
SHOCKING BRUTALITY.
Mr. Punch,
Somebody, I believe, has lately thought fit to publish a com-
pilation of the sayings of celebrated authors in the praise and dispraise
of “ lovely woman.” I have not seen that work. I do not wish to
see it, but all well-regulated female minds will agree with me when I
venture to assert that it contains nothing so atrocious as what I am
about to introduce to you.
In a report of the proceedings of the Commission sitting to inquire
into the purity, or otherwise, of the Electors of the Borough of Totnes,
one of the Commissioners was a Mr. Bere, and he was examining a
witness called Chapple
“ Mr. Bere. Did you tell any human being about your coming here to-day T
“Witness. Human being? No, Sir.”
Should not Mr. Bere have been satisfied P I say, emphatically.
Yes. But he fiendishly proceeds :—
“ Mr. Bere. Did you not tell your wife?
“ Witness. Yes, Sir.”
Let us hope, Mr. Punch, for the sake of that unhappy witness, that
Mrs. C. is not a highly-developed strong-minded female, but that she
is small in stature, and of an angelic temperament.
You may, or may not, just as you please, consider me a misogynist,
but I have much pleasure in subscribing myself, A Bachelor.
Vcl. 51.
5—2