DOI issue:
November 10, 1866
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16878#0204
196
PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 10, 1666.
LINES ON LORD MAYOR’S DAY.
0 great Lord Mayor, how glorious is thy
state !
Sound drums and trumpets; let the Church
bells ring.
0 most renowned, right royal potentate !
Monarch sublime of London! City King !
Thee, at the head of Europe Erance reveres,
Deems thee magnificent beyond compare,
| A Lord whose Lordship is above the Peers.
She calls thee evermore “ Le Grand Lor’
Maire”
Yet thou art mortal, ’tis not truth to speak i
That saying " The King never dies ” of
thee.
For if thy spirit yonder stars should seek,
No Heir unto thy kingdom there would be. j
But as thou art in this so is the Pope,
And he hath no such majesty as thine.
Besides, his Crown is cracked beyond all hope.. |
No jewel of thy own shalt thou resign.
Alas, that thou canst wear it but a year,
Must then the common gossamer resume !
Brief must be, splendid so be thy career.
What tanks of turtle on my vision loom!
0 great Lord Mayor, the spicy Loving Cup
Bid able hands prepare the feast to crown ;
Ladle the soup out: let us suck it up.
And look that you have Punch to wash it
down.
PROMISING PUPIL.
Bobby (who is being put through his English History by Papa—Saxon Period). “ And he was
to Mind an’ Watch the Cakes should not be Burnt—an’ when she was gone out—
HE ONLY JUST LOOKED ROUND FOR A MlNUTE—AND— ER— A—HE WAS TURNED RIGHT INTO A
Pillar o’ Salt//”
An Auxiliary Screw. — An Infantry
Field Officer’s Second Charger.
A Good Example.—When our cobbler
has nothing else to do, he mends his pace.
HOW THE FOREIGN BARRISTERS DO IT.
Scene—A Court of Justice. Prisoner at the Bar.
Public Prosecutor {rises).—Gentlemen of the Jury. You can’t
be in any doubt, I hope, whether that fellow standing there is guilty
or not. Of course he is guilty. You might take my word for it. I
am never deceived, and something in that fellow’s nose and left whisker
convinces me that he committed the crime. But law demands logic,
and conscience requires conviction, and you shall have both, of the
severest kind. Why shouldn’t he have committed the crime ? He is
just the sort of man to do such a thing. He is five feet nine, and I
have statistics to show you that five feet nine is the average height of’
criminals. _ He squints, too, and what can be more likely than that
moral obliquity should accompany physical ? Besides, Gentlemen, he
has told you himself that he was born on the 7th of July. He little
thought, when he made that fatal admission, that it was his sentence of
condemnation. Why, Gentlemen, do you not know that at least five great
criminals who have gone to the scaffold during the last century were
all born on that evil day, the 7th of July? I cannot insult you by
doubting that you will convict him. But there is more. I have evi-
dence to show that when he was a little boy he pushed a cat into a
well, from which the unhappy animal was rescued only by a marvellous
accident. The child is the father of the man, and it is plain, therefore,
that the prisoner did the deed of which you are about to find him
guilty. But I will overwhelm him with an avalanche of evidence beneath
which the guilty miscreant shall struggle in vain, like Enceladus under
Etna. {The jury took notes of this illustration.) A witness, whose tes-
timony is unimpeachable, was told that somebody has once heard the
prisoner say that his grandfather never went to church. Gentlemen,
it is revolting to lay bare the black secrets of crime, but in the interest
of society it is necessary. What sort of morals can you expect from a
man whose grandfather never went to church, and who mentions this
detestable fact without a shudder ? How, then, can you doubt that
he committed this crime ? Again, gentlemen, what was found in his
portmanteau ? He had but one clean shirt. There is guilt, blazing as
; the sun at noon. Gentlemen, the despairing voice of his criminal con-
j science told him that he should want but one clean shirt—only one—
the shirt in which he should be led to expiate his crime in the eyes of
an execrating crowd. That fatal linen enveloped him as the shirt of
Nessus clad the dying Hercules. {Jury take notes.) Does an innocent
man go about with only one clean shirt ? Gentlemen, I have sixteen,
and I dare say that the care of your admirable and amiable wives has-
provided similar stocks for each and all of you—for you are innocent,,
and unlike that guilty and trembling wretch. Bear with me still, Gen-
tlemen, while, as the organ of public justice, I adduce more evidence-
of this atrocious monster’s culpability. The crime is supposed to have
been committed at half-past six o’clock in the morning. The criminal’s-
watch was overwound, and the works broke, stopping the hands at
half-past seven. There is complete evidence of itself. He took one
hour to reflect over his wicked deed (and 1 do not wish to torture him-
by recalling the agonies of that hour), and then, with a shaking hand
and in a nervous rage he tried to wind up his watch, and broke it. An-
hour, Gentlemen, is just the time which it would take a man of average
sensibility to recover from the excitement of a crime like that which
yonder felon committed—this I shall prove to you by the evidence of
physicians of the highest character. Again, Gentlemen, I beg you to-
observe him. It is afflicting to have to call the attention of virtuous-
men to a vile object, but I ask you to steel your nerves, and observe
him. There he stands, the criminal! Does he look pale? No; he
has hardened his heart. Does his eye fall? No, in anticipation
of this day, and perhaps by the advice of my learned friend, whose
defence will lack no merit but truth, he has schooled his base eyes to
confront those of honest men. But does he smile ? No; even his con-
summate wickedness is not bold enough to let him smile. But did you
mark one thing. Gentlemen? My learned friend uses an eye-glass, and
I am sure that I deplore his being in need of such an aid. A few
minutes since it caught the rays of the sun, and the reflection sparkled
in the criminal’s eyes. He drew back hastily. Gentlemen, what did
lie see ? A useful and scientific assistant to a failing sight ? No, Gen-
tlemen, He saw something more dreadful. He saw the fatal knife of
the guillotine, glittering in the sun rays of morning, and ready to
descend upon his neck—and he shuddered. He laughs. Does that
false and brazen laugh deceive you, Gentlemen ? Ah, no ; and he will
do well to lay aside all such miserable and abject devices for avoiding
the doom which he sees written on your virtuous lips. Gentlemen, I
sit down, and it is with no feeling of pride that I conclude my task of
wreathing round that frightful malefactor a coil fatal as the snakes
that encircled the devoted Laocoon. {Jury take notes.) I denounce-
that man to the Justice of the Universe.
[Loud applause from the Judge, opposite Counsel, jurors, and public y
in which the prisoner heartily joined.
PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 10, 1666.
LINES ON LORD MAYOR’S DAY.
0 great Lord Mayor, how glorious is thy
state !
Sound drums and trumpets; let the Church
bells ring.
0 most renowned, right royal potentate !
Monarch sublime of London! City King !
Thee, at the head of Europe Erance reveres,
Deems thee magnificent beyond compare,
| A Lord whose Lordship is above the Peers.
She calls thee evermore “ Le Grand Lor’
Maire”
Yet thou art mortal, ’tis not truth to speak i
That saying " The King never dies ” of
thee.
For if thy spirit yonder stars should seek,
No Heir unto thy kingdom there would be. j
But as thou art in this so is the Pope,
And he hath no such majesty as thine.
Besides, his Crown is cracked beyond all hope.. |
No jewel of thy own shalt thou resign.
Alas, that thou canst wear it but a year,
Must then the common gossamer resume !
Brief must be, splendid so be thy career.
What tanks of turtle on my vision loom!
0 great Lord Mayor, the spicy Loving Cup
Bid able hands prepare the feast to crown ;
Ladle the soup out: let us suck it up.
And look that you have Punch to wash it
down.
PROMISING PUPIL.
Bobby (who is being put through his English History by Papa—Saxon Period). “ And he was
to Mind an’ Watch the Cakes should not be Burnt—an’ when she was gone out—
HE ONLY JUST LOOKED ROUND FOR A MlNUTE—AND— ER— A—HE WAS TURNED RIGHT INTO A
Pillar o’ Salt//”
An Auxiliary Screw. — An Infantry
Field Officer’s Second Charger.
A Good Example.—When our cobbler
has nothing else to do, he mends his pace.
HOW THE FOREIGN BARRISTERS DO IT.
Scene—A Court of Justice. Prisoner at the Bar.
Public Prosecutor {rises).—Gentlemen of the Jury. You can’t
be in any doubt, I hope, whether that fellow standing there is guilty
or not. Of course he is guilty. You might take my word for it. I
am never deceived, and something in that fellow’s nose and left whisker
convinces me that he committed the crime. But law demands logic,
and conscience requires conviction, and you shall have both, of the
severest kind. Why shouldn’t he have committed the crime ? He is
just the sort of man to do such a thing. He is five feet nine, and I
have statistics to show you that five feet nine is the average height of’
criminals. _ He squints, too, and what can be more likely than that
moral obliquity should accompany physical ? Besides, Gentlemen, he
has told you himself that he was born on the 7th of July. He little
thought, when he made that fatal admission, that it was his sentence of
condemnation. Why, Gentlemen, do you not know that at least five great
criminals who have gone to the scaffold during the last century were
all born on that evil day, the 7th of July? I cannot insult you by
doubting that you will convict him. But there is more. I have evi-
dence to show that when he was a little boy he pushed a cat into a
well, from which the unhappy animal was rescued only by a marvellous
accident. The child is the father of the man, and it is plain, therefore,
that the prisoner did the deed of which you are about to find him
guilty. But I will overwhelm him with an avalanche of evidence beneath
which the guilty miscreant shall struggle in vain, like Enceladus under
Etna. {The jury took notes of this illustration.) A witness, whose tes-
timony is unimpeachable, was told that somebody has once heard the
prisoner say that his grandfather never went to church. Gentlemen,
it is revolting to lay bare the black secrets of crime, but in the interest
of society it is necessary. What sort of morals can you expect from a
man whose grandfather never went to church, and who mentions this
detestable fact without a shudder ? How, then, can you doubt that
he committed this crime ? Again, gentlemen, what was found in his
portmanteau ? He had but one clean shirt. There is guilt, blazing as
; the sun at noon. Gentlemen, the despairing voice of his criminal con-
j science told him that he should want but one clean shirt—only one—
the shirt in which he should be led to expiate his crime in the eyes of
an execrating crowd. That fatal linen enveloped him as the shirt of
Nessus clad the dying Hercules. {Jury take notes.) Does an innocent
man go about with only one clean shirt ? Gentlemen, I have sixteen,
and I dare say that the care of your admirable and amiable wives has-
provided similar stocks for each and all of you—for you are innocent,,
and unlike that guilty and trembling wretch. Bear with me still, Gen-
tlemen, while, as the organ of public justice, I adduce more evidence-
of this atrocious monster’s culpability. The crime is supposed to have
been committed at half-past six o’clock in the morning. The criminal’s-
watch was overwound, and the works broke, stopping the hands at
half-past seven. There is complete evidence of itself. He took one
hour to reflect over his wicked deed (and 1 do not wish to torture him-
by recalling the agonies of that hour), and then, with a shaking hand
and in a nervous rage he tried to wind up his watch, and broke it. An-
hour, Gentlemen, is just the time which it would take a man of average
sensibility to recover from the excitement of a crime like that which
yonder felon committed—this I shall prove to you by the evidence of
physicians of the highest character. Again, Gentlemen, I beg you to-
observe him. It is afflicting to have to call the attention of virtuous-
men to a vile object, but I ask you to steel your nerves, and observe
him. There he stands, the criminal! Does he look pale? No; he
has hardened his heart. Does his eye fall? No, in anticipation
of this day, and perhaps by the advice of my learned friend, whose
defence will lack no merit but truth, he has schooled his base eyes to
confront those of honest men. But does he smile ? No; even his con-
summate wickedness is not bold enough to let him smile. But did you
mark one thing. Gentlemen? My learned friend uses an eye-glass, and
I am sure that I deplore his being in need of such an aid. A few
minutes since it caught the rays of the sun, and the reflection sparkled
in the criminal’s eyes. He drew back hastily. Gentlemen, what did
lie see ? A useful and scientific assistant to a failing sight ? No, Gen-
tlemen, He saw something more dreadful. He saw the fatal knife of
the guillotine, glittering in the sun rays of morning, and ready to
descend upon his neck—and he shuddered. He laughs. Does that
false and brazen laugh deceive you, Gentlemen ? Ah, no ; and he will
do well to lay aside all such miserable and abject devices for avoiding
the doom which he sees written on your virtuous lips. Gentlemen, I
sit down, and it is with no feeling of pride that I conclude my task of
wreathing round that frightful malefactor a coil fatal as the snakes
that encircled the devoted Laocoon. {Jury take notes.) I denounce-
that man to the Justice of the Universe.
[Loud applause from the Judge, opposite Counsel, jurors, and public y
in which the prisoner heartily joined.