Punch (62.1872)

January G, 1872]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

11

EASILY SOLD.

Som*—Railway Station in a Town where Highland Regiment is quartered. Foxhunters taking Train for the Meet.

Little London Gent. " He ain't goisg out Hunting, too, is he?"
Funny Friend. " Of course he is."

Little London Gent. "Well, but—won't it be bather Risky riding in those-Togs?"

HINTS ON CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.

{By a good Old-fashioned Clown.)

Knock at a shop-door, and then lie down flat in front of it, so
that the shopman, coming out, may tumble headlong over you.
Then bolt into the shop, and cram into your pockets all the big
things you can find, so that in trying to get out, you cannot squeeze
them through the doorway. For instance, if it be a watchmaker's,
clap an eight-day kitchen clock and a barometer or two, let us say,
in your right pocket, and a brass warming-pan, or some such little
article of jewellery (as you will take care to call it) in your left one ;
taking pains, of course, to let the handle stick well out of it. If it
be a butcher's, pouch a leg of beef and half a sheep or so, and be
sure not to forget to bring a yard or two of sausages trailing on the
ground behind you. Then, if you can't squeeze through the door-
way, the simplest plan will be to jump clean through the shop-front,
and in doing this take care to smash as many panes of glass as you
are able, crying out, of course, that you took " great pains" to do
so. JEn passant, you will kick into the street whatever goods are
in the window, and then run off as quickly as your heels can carry
you.

If the shopman should pursue you, as most probably he will, make
him a low bow, and say that it was really quite an accident, and
that of course you mean to pay him—indeed, yes, " on your honour ! "
If he won't believe you, punch him in the waistcoat, and batter
him about with his barometer and warming-pan, or sausages and
mutton.

Should a policeman interfere, and want to know what you are up
to, catch up your red-hot poker (which you will always have about
you), and hold it hidden behind your back, while you beg him to
shake hands with you, because you mean to " square the job " with
him. Then, when he puts his hand out, slap the poker into it, and
run away as fast as your stolen goods will let you.

But after a few steps, of course you must take care to let the
handle of your warming-pan get stuck between your legs, and trip
you up occasionally ; and you will manage that your sausages become
entangled so about you that, at every second step, you are obliged
to tumble down and roll along the ground, and double up into a
heap, till the policeman, who keeps up the chace, comes close enough
to catch you. Then you will spring up again, and, jumping on his
back, you will be carried off to Bow Street, with the small boys
shouting after you; or, else, if you prefer it, you may "bonnet"
the policeman, and run away and hide yourself ere he can lift his
hat up, to see where you are gone to.

SCIENCE FOR THE SEASON.

Sir Charles Ltell, according to a correspondent of the Daily
Telegraph, is credited with the saving that there are three things
necessary for a geologist: the first is to travel; the second is to
travel; and the third, also, is t travel. This seems to mean that
your geologist must travel, travel, travel over the face of the earth
in order to be enabled to explore its interior. The earth is round;
so is your plum-pudding : the earth has a crust; so has your mince-
pie. Happily, conditions like those needful for the exploration of
the earth do not delay analogous researches.

Problem for the Poet Laureate.

The Knights of King Arthur's Round Table of course formed a
Circle when they sat round it. Tournaments in general used to
come off in lists ; but can the Author of The Last Tournament
inform a Spiritualist whether, in a seance of Arthur's Knights at
Table, there was ever any table-tilting ?