Punch (62.1872)

12

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

January 6, 1872.

MRS. WASHTUB ON TELEGRAMS; TWELFTH NIGHT.

Ah, drat them nasty telegrams that keeps folks all in sitch a flurry, JHE P10™^ niSht of ^ Christmas season is observed by every
Whenever there's the least to-do, with constant worry, worry, *atl°* ln Europe, except Switzerland m which country the Repub-

wo | j Lean f°rm °f government introduced by W. Tell (the first Presi-

I recollect in my young days when there was no sitch expectation, den^' prevents the recognition of Kings and Queens. _
And news to travel took its time, suspense was bore with resigna- 1 Throughout England, particularly m those rural districts where

^on the study of physics is yet m its infancy, great importance is

attached to the weather on Twelfth Day. The occurrence of rain,
, , . ill tit,,-. or wind, or sleet, or snow, or hail, or the appearance of the Aurora

What was to be, we used to say, would be, and couldn t be pre- Borealis over the roof's of the Bank of England is considered a most
-r^, . wented, . favourable augury, and in some counties determines the day on

Which 'twas consobn for to think, and made one happy and con- ^ifa the sowing of the Spring wheat commences. But the slightest

tented. n. in ■, ' indication of the Zodiacal light is dreaded as a sure forerunner of the

What would be we should live to see, if we lived long enough, twas turnip-fly, and the connection of a parhelion with protracted drought

certain, _ is established by a long series of observations, reaching as far back

And p raps it might a mercy be the future was behind the curtain. 1 as ^he Reformation.

| Most lawyers are of opinion that under the provisions of an old
Misfortunes came, as come they must, in this here wale of trile and j Act of Parliament, still unrepealed, it is illegal to solicit a Christ-
sorrow, i mas box after twelve o'clock on the 6th of January.
But then, if bad news come to-day, no news was like to come to- j If Twelfth Night falls on a Sunday, the harvest will be late ; if
morrow. | on a Monday, the back door should be carefully looked to on the long
No news was good news people said, and hoped meanwhile they evenings ; if on a Tuesday, pilchards will be caught in enormous
might be better, i quantities; if on a Wednesday, the silkworms will suffer ; if on a
Leastways until the next day's post brought 'em a paper or a letter, i Thursday, there will be no skating on the Serpentine during the rest

! of the year ; if on a Friday, the apple crop will be a failure ; and if
'Tis true, relief as soon may come, sometimes, by artificial light'nin'. ' on a Saturday (as this year), you should on no account have your
When days and weeks of dark and storm you've undergone afore . h,air cut by a red-haired man who squints and nas relations m
the bright'nin' ■ l the colonies. The sceptic and the latitudmanan may smile super-
All's well as ends well, thanks be praised, the croakers found their- | ciliously at these predictions but they have been verified by inquiries
selves mistaken— i conducted at centres as wide apart as Bury St. Edmunds, Rother-
But by them plaguy telegrams how my poor old narves have bin ' ham, Dawlish, Rickmansworth, Kirkcudbright, and Cape Clear,
shaken ! ------- -— =________ __.

Christmas Present for Sir Charles Dilke.—Packet of Court
Christmas Present for the Claimant.— Coleridge's Works. Plaster and some Household Bread.

Let them come. And when a Sender getteth no answer, let him
NEW YEAB/S "NOTE" TO CORRESPONDENTS. itake counsel with himself, and consider to which of the above Ten

Categories his work belongs. One will certainly fit it. To this
Mr. Punch, m spite of his emphatic and repeated Notices and | Table Mr. Punch will make reference when he may please to do
Explanations, being still copiously afflicted with Communications j so. Let intending Contributors learn it by heart,
from Persons whom he has not invited to take the liberty of address- | Now, laying down the Chopper of Lycttrgtts, and putting on the
mg him, issues the following fiatt, and advises such persons to study j Smile of Plato, Mr. Punch, raising the festal goblet, wisheth to all

it closely,

He calls them " Correspondents," but does so only for convenience.
A Correspondent means a person who not only writes, but to whom
the recipient of the letter also writes. Ninety-nine out of a hundred
of those who address Mr. Punch are, and will be, unanswered,
except by this Note.

Let all understand that he is answerable for the real or supposed
value of No literary or artistic matter which may be sent him,
unasked. This is law. Let all understand that at the earliest
possible moment after his discovery that such matter is useless to
him, it is Destroyed. This is fact.

Notice also that stamped and directed envelopes, for the return
of such matters, will not operate to the fracture of his rule.

After this notice, " Correspondents" will have no one but them-
selves to thank for the Snub Mr. PuncKs silence implies.

But is he unwise enough to believe that the plague of foolish
Correspondence will thus be stayed ? Yerily, no.

He expects to continue to receive—

1. Jests that have appeared in his own pages, but which
are warranted to have been invented, or heard, " the other

day."

2. The jest of the day, one that has been heard a million
times.

3. Profane, and even lower jests, sent by creatures who
pretend to be readers of Punch.

4. Idiotic jests, usually laid upon the shoulders of " my
little boy," or " my youngest girl." Punch would pity the
children of such parents, but that he generally disbelieves
in the existence of the innocents.

5. Sketches, to be used in bis next without fail, or, if
rejected, to be instantly returned. These burn well, and he
prefers those on cardboard, as they crackle prettily.

6. Things, literary or artistic, that have been "dashed
off." The mere word " dash " is the cue for instant fire.

7. Compositions, poor in themselves, whose insertion is
prayed because the authors are poor also. Is Mr. Punch to
perform his charities at the expense of society ?

8. Aged jokes, possibly recently heard for the first time
by the Stupid Sender, but more probably copied from print.

9. Post-Cards, or communications with the Halfpenny
Stamp. These are all selected by his Deputy-Assistant-
Under-Secretary, and destroyed unread.

10. Absolute Stupidities.

his faithful and true Disciples, those whose handwritings ever give
him joy and gladness,—

A HAPPY NEW YEAR