Punch (71.1876)

10

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARI.

[July 8, 1876.

" SATISFACTORY ! "

Mistress. " Well, Jessie, I'm going into Nairne, and will see your
Mother. Can I give her any Message from you?"

Jessie (her first "place"). " Ou, Mem, ye can just Say I'm unco weel
Pleased wf ye ! ! "

Holland, not being strong enough, appeals to Spain, who sends another armed
intervention to Zanzibar, via Belgium. Belgium protests ; Spain protests ;
Holland protests ; Bismarck protests ; Russia protests ; Zanzibar protests ; and
all send armed interventions to Turkey." "Why Turkey?" asks my very
clerical but unbusiness-like friend. "Because, in every European difficulty
everyone sends an armed force to Turkey, which is the key of India." "But,"
says my esteemed client, " Turkey isn't the key of Scotland, and how does all
this aflect the shares in the Staffa and Iona Suspension Bridge ?" " Patience,
my respected client," says I. "Events march rapidly: what I take minutes
to tell, would not take seconds to be worked in the World of Commerce, of
which you, my very dear Sir—excuse me—appear to me to be lamentably igno-
rant. Well, to resume : the forces are at Constantinople : all the different
nations apply to R,othschtld for loans to carry on a war. Rothschild comes
across to me, and says, ' Shall it be done ? Will it pay ? ' In two minutes
we decide. ' Yes.' "immediately we issue a loan on condition of the United
European Powers taking shares in the Staffa and Iona. Up go Staffas and
Ionas. Staffas and Ionas (stamped coupons) go all over the world. Russians,
Germans, French, Turks —■ all want to know what the security is, and then
comes the rush." "The rush! " says my friend: "where to?" "To Scot-
land," I answer. _ "Up go Northern Railways—Northern Railways are
always going up—it is their nature to. Thousands of people cross the new
Suspension Bridge of Staffa and Iona—articles in the papers—shares up to
something fabulous—we all sell—all make fortunes; Rothschild retires, for
the two-hundredth time, with a fortune of 1,700,000, and from that time
forth Staffas and Ionas can look after themselves." " Good! " says my
mitred friend; " but what becomes of Zanzibar?" I can't help smiling at
him, for, like all clerical speculators, he is a perfect baby in these matters
—" What's Zanzibar to us, or we to Zanzibar, that we should weep for it?

Zanzi- Bah!" "But," he exclaims, "Zanzibar began it: it was through

Zanzibar-" " Heverendissi?ne," says I, "we could have begun it just as

well at Temple Bar as at Zanzibar. Don't you see, we, the real financiers,
got the whole thing up. We (myself and the Baron) didn't appear in it
personally; but, your Grace, who, do you suppose, pulls the strings ? Lor' bless
you ! allez done .' get out! "

He was so impressed that, after a first-rate lunch, he sent out my clerk
to buy 30,000 Staffas and Ionas, and wrote off to L—d C-n to do the same

I pointed out to him that the stamp duty, the assigna-
tion, the re-duplicating, and the fees at the Crown Office
for my clerk's swearing in person before the Lord
Mayor, would amount to something considerable, not to
speak of brokerage, which (as I explained at length to
him) was just 25 per cent, more on that particular day,
and at that particular time, than ordinarily. But he
was entete. Bo my revered client plunged for Staffas
and Ionas. I regret to say that I have been obliged to
write since, and point out that, in consequence of news
from the North Pole, Staffas and Ionas have gone down
to next to nothing. He is not a bold man, and returned,
by letter, that he would rather lose £17,000 than the
whole £30,000. So, expressing myself to the effect that
had he held on, and waited for the rise, he would have
made hundreds of thousands, I sent him back £17,000,
minus £750 for the re-brokerage, for unswearing before
the Lord Mayor after office-hours, for unstamping at
Somerset House, &c, &c. So that he got out of it well;
and it wasn't such a very bad day's business for yours
truly, eh ? Not much, of course, but still not bad. Of
course I had to keep the transaction secret. At part-
ing he whispered, "Don't mention any little flutter
like this when you 're calling on Mrs. T. at L-mb-th.
Hope we shall see you for a week or so at our little
place in Kent." " Mum! " said I, with my finger to my
lips ; and I let my archiepiscopal client out by the back
way in the absence of my boy, who had just run down
to the House to depreciate some Stock.

I just mention these little operations to show you
what I am doing, to inspire your readers with con-
fidence, and to place you au courant with all the best
moves now on the tapis. A propos of " tapis,^ there's
Sir H—y J—s just tappy-ing at my door. He has come
to ask "me. about some foreign loans ; but I can't give him
more than five minutes, as I must go with a cart full
of specie to the Governor of the Bank. But look out
for further important news from

Your Representative
(in the City).

EPICUBTJS ^STIVUS.

(His Midsummer Musings.)

Under a dense lime-alley's pleasant shelter
We see the Heidsieck cooling in its ice,

And moralise, " By Jove ! to-day's a melter:
Sweet weather this to give the world advice."

Comes through the foliage delicious hay-scent:
Roses fade slowly in the sun's strong flame.

We read our Times. The Queen has Knighted
Dasent,—
Wit well deserves a handle to its name.

Servia is arming.—Oh this sunset opal!

Herzegovina's madly boiling up.
Russia be hanged! Confound Constantinople !

Mark the blue borage in the claret-cup.

Three Pt.'s to Boards of Guardians we abandon,
And hope they will illumine what they touch.

Well, he's a very fine young fellow, Sandon,
And folk who have to work may learn too much.

Sir Robert Peel is making " lively speeches : "
We need not listen to his jokes, thank Heaven !

Alas, it is not yet the time for peaches ;

But try fresh strawberries with cream of Devon.

Ha! there's the nightingale! Amanda fairest,—
Through what weird notes the wondrous bird can run !

Yet of all music woman's voice is rarest—
Sing some sweet madrigal while sinks the sun.

Spurgeon from a Novel Point of View.

What will Mudie say to Mr. Spurgeon's indignant
assertion that there are novels " he would not like to
carry with a pair of tongs to the fire " ? Mr. Dick would
have asked, "Are there any novels you would like to
carry with a pair of tongs to the fire ? " Perhaps, how-
ever, Mr. Spurgeon has a literary auto-da-fe from time
to time at which this mode of feeding the fire is resorted
to. We recommend Messrs. Mudie to make him an
honorary subscriber to their Library if they would stop
the progress of the Index Ex-Spurgeon:atorius, which
seems to be already in course of compilation.