Punch (71.1876)

October 7, 1876.]

143

MASTER TOMMY'S VIEW OF IT.

Master Tommy (he had been very Naughty, and was now amusing himself with
his Scripture Prints). " Here's Daniel in the Lion's Den ! "

Mamma (incautiously). "Ah, what was he Cast into the Lion's Den for?"
Master Tommy {with triumph). "'Cause he was GOOD ! I

MOLEHILLS FOR MOUNTAINS.

Mr Lord Archbishop op Canterbury, the Visita-
tion Charge , lately delivered by your Grace in your
cathedral to your Clergy, contains some advice, espe-
cially on the conduct of argument with gainsayers, to
the general character of which it may be feared that our
philosophical friends will, most of them, discern an
exception in the words below quoted. Having, soundly
enough, insisted on the existence of the Bible and the
Church at large as unquestionable facts, your Grace
proceeded as follows :—

"What two facts on which philosophers pride themselves are
to be compared in their practical significance with these two ? Is
it, indeed, departing from the spirit of modern philosophy to take
advantage of the position which excludes those two great facts ?
What, compared with these, are any observed traces of primaeval
man in some distant cave, which no one has thoroughly investi-
gated ? What, compared with these, are the traces of the feet
of extinct animals impressed upon mud here or there ? "

What, indeed, your Grace ? Certainly, nothing what-
ever. But then, on the other hand, please consider what
are these questions to the point ? Are the facts of
geology which Clergymen have to grapple with, and
that not merely for the confutation of cavil, but in order
to answer honest and irrepressible question, really repre-
sented, the whole of them, by a few superficially observed
traces of prima3val man in some distant cave, and by the
traces of the feet of extinct animals impressed here and
there on the mud ? Can this be your Grace's way of
putting the tremendous geological difficulties wherewith
Divines are called upon to deal ? They might well
enough have been put so by an Archbishop of another
cloth than yours, if perchance he had brought himself to
open his mouth touching problems on whose solution In-
fallibility itself is mute. Another time, then, perhaps
you will not in a moment of forgetfulness allow yourself
to fall into the style of the common emotional un-
scientific preacher who does not hesitate at affecting to
reduce mountains to molehills in the face of fact; and
to the reverse of edification. For we all know that cant
is alien to the nature of his present Grace of Canterbury.

latest frou new york.

"Wanted, a Situation as House-Porter by Cerberus,
Hell-gate having been blown by dynamite over Styx to
splinters.

THE GALLOP OP INTELLECT.

The Hyper-Scientific Association held its annual worry—we apo-
logise—"swarry " in the Assembly Rooms of the interesting old
town of Substrataford on Monday last. Space will only allow us to
give the subjects of the eminently instructive papers read by the
erudite Gentlemen who preside over the various departments of
scientific investigation.

Chemistry.—" On the probable effects of Proto-Dynamic Chlorates
upon the waves of the Radiometer, in connection with a theory of
Hispano-Mauresque precipitates." By Professor Slocum Stye,
R.A.P.

. Geology.—"Inquiries into the nature of the White Spots upon
Flint Boulders—whether caused by an Eruption, or induced by
absorption of Fluid Magnesia." A highly interesting paper, the
result of eighteen years' exclusive study. By Professor Gneiss

YoUNGMAN, S.P., O.O.N.

Statistics.—" A Calculation as to the probable number of Cherry-
stones dropped in the streets of the Capitals of Europe and America
during the fruit season, with Comparative Tables." By the Rev.
Stickney Mudkins, M.XJ.F.

Zoology.—" A Discussion on the apparent increase observable in
the size of Elephants' Trunks, with a Solution of the Theory that
they were once Carpet-Bags, and may eventually develop into
Packing-Cases." By Professor Buckwater, Z.X.Y.

Entomology—■" On the Extraordinary Instinct which urges the
House Fly to use the Right Foot in preference to the Left when
employed in its ablutions. And why ? " By Professor B. Innis-
Bonnet, F.L.

Psychology.—■" On Incontestably Supernatural Manifestations,
produced by introducing a Three-legged Stool to an Easy-Chair;
with a Dissertation on the Propensities of Invisible Powers to cause
Half-crowns to disappear at will, and be found in the centre of
French Rolls." By Dr. Horn Green, A.S.S.

Social Science.—-"On the Probable Diameter of Bicycle Wheels
Twenty Years Hence, and their Influence on Length of Limb in the
Rising Generation." By Miss O'Corks, of Bally-Rinkagain.

A CAUTION TO CHERTSEY.

The Justices of the Chertsey Petty Sessional Division have shown
that they know how to stamp out hydrophobia. They mean to do
this by putting their foot down directly on the parties responsible
for the propagation of that frightful infection. In a notice bearing
the signature of " Thos. M. Jenkins, Clerk to the Justices of the
said Division," issued from the Town Hall, Chertsey, setting forth
" that various Dogs within the Parish of Chertsey have been bitten
by a certain Dog known to have been Mad," and that " it is most
desirable for the general safety that the powers conferred on the
said Justices," by a specified Act of Parliament, "with regard to
dangerous and Mad Dogs should be put in force," the owners of all
Dogs are given the fair but formidable warning which follows:—

"Now it is hereby ok.deb.ed that all Persons having the ownership or
possession of any Dog known to have been bitten by any other Dog within
three months preceding the date hereof, shall forthwith be destroyed, or placed
under proper and effective control for the space of six months next ensuing."

Instead, then, of restricting their action for the arrest of hydro-
phobia to the canine species, the Chertsey Justices are determined
to extend it to the Dogs' masters and mistresses. The least that
any of all those heedless Persons guilty of keeping Dogs known to
have been bitten by any other Dog within the last three months can
expect is a seclusion of double that period; during which they will
be closely shut up. But worse than that, they will be liable, the whole
of them, to be destroyed,—summarily hanged, shot, drowned, or
poisoned,—at the Justices' bidding: and let them not make too sure
that those resolute Magistrates will be content with merely ordering
them to be confined, and will not, as the safest course to pursue with
such dangerous people, consign every one of them to destruction.

vol. lxxi.