Punch (71.1876)

September 23, 1876.J PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 121

THE BEER-KINGS OF BURTON.

(See Newspapers.)

hose Twain — a narrow es-
cape they had
When we, by their bereave-
ment sad,
At once well nigh were left

to wail;
The two great Brewers of
Burton Ale !
Lo, Bass and Allsopp in
a boat,

Together fishing, both afloat;
AllsoppIus brother brewer's
guest:

Upon Lochquoich's pellucid
breast.

Behold, Bass hooks a splen-
did trout.
Eager to see him get it out,
Allsopp, as though in boats

untried,
Steps over to the other side.
His weight no longer equal-
ises

The little bark, and it cap-
sizes.

There was the boat turned
upside down,
With Bass and Allsopp like
to drown

Together with a brace of. others,
Attendant on the brewer-brothers,
A Gillie of the Frasers' Clan,
And Anderson, a Fisherman.
They strove to right the boat in vain;
For o'er and o'er it turned again,
All four of them to one side clinging,
Themselves to grief so nearly bringing.
Till Anderson, with strength of hand,
Presence of mind, and self-command,
At length contrived the boat to right,
By scrambling over opposite.
Meanwhile, a strong breeze landward bore
The lot, and drifted them ashore,
Some distance more than half a mile,
On douce McPhee's adjacent isle.

McPhee, thou famous Highland Leech,
The surge was heavy on thy beach,
Hard to get through—but safe they got;
And Anderson was tipped we wot.

But think what woe had come to pass,
Had we both Allsopp lost and Bass !
If Bass and Allsopp too were drowned
A double gloom would reign around.
'Twere like our Premier's perdition
With Leader of our Opposition ;
Save that those other men of note
Were sailing both in one same boat.
Oh, what a joyful thing to see
Two of a trade so well agree !
Long live they, whilst we linger here
To drink both Bass and Allsopp's beer.

SPRING SPORTS.

We have all heard of a "Spring Chicken," but the "Spring
Hare "—unless, indeed, he be some relation to the proverbial lunatic
appearing in March—is something quite new. An innkeeper at
Hendon has started one. It is coursed by greyhounds ; and for the
spectators, betters, and backers there is all the excitement of the
real thing, with the additional charm of novelty. What an admi-
rable invention for the delicate sentimentality of this rose-water age !

But why stop at Hares apparent—but unreal ? Why not, with
the aid of some of the leading " Property-men " from the theatres,
and Toy-mechanicians, and a few other ingenious persons, develope
the idea into something: really big ?

We begin with a trifle light as Hare : we may end with the noble
Deer in Scotland, or even the Elephant in India.

At all events, from the Hare to the Fox is a small step.

The country would have to be intersected with small lines (at first,
at all events, until the invention was so perfect that these could be

dispensed with), on which the Mechanical Fox, having been first
properly wound up in covert, would run with just so much "law"
given him as would allow him to be viewed ail the way for a good
rattling burst of forty minutes, after which the Field would trot off
to another covert, and be treated to a fresh Mechanical Fox over a
different line of country. Only, of course, this Fox would have to
be hunted by greyhounds. Everybody, who was so minded, could
caU out " Tallyho! " and " Yoicks! "and "Gone away! " just as
usual, and make all that amount of noise which goes for so much in
the happiness of Foxhunters. Every M.F.H. who chose to adopt
the "Mechanical Fox" could guarantee his subscribers a run,
weather permitting, for every day in the week. Nay more, he could
name the place, hour of start, and exact duration of the run, so that
those Gentlemen who are fond of simply coming out to flash their
pink in the sunlight, and then tail home again early, would be able
to ensure themselves a run for their money—a certainty that would
keep many of the " all pink and no-go " school away from the field.

A " Property' Man," or Toyshop keeper, might do well to
advertise—

to m.f.h.'s and sportsmen.

NO MORE BLANK DAYS ! !

TRY OUR "MECHANICAL FOX."

*#* Warranted to run for one Season, if used with care.

Messrs. Doll, Drtth, & Co., undertake to send a Man regularly
every iveek to see to the Works and keep the Mechanical Fox in
order.

Then again, in our preserves, why not the Mechanical Pheasant,
the Mechanical Partridge, the Mechanical Woodcock, and the Spring
Rabbit ? With what a whirr of springs the Pheasant might rise !
And what a good shot it would require to bring him down! The
coveys of Partridges would be wound up all at once and left in a
turnip-field. Their mechanism would be so delicate that the
slightest movement near them would disturb it, and off they'd all
go at once; or there would be a detention spring, to last for, say,
twenty minutes, until the Sportsman had time to get within shot,
when it would "go" punctually, and the birds would fly off, in
whatever direction they had been set. .Then they would be picked
up in the next field and started again.

No pain, no loss of life, no wanton cruelty, the Sportsman could
at worst only break the mainspring, and be obliged to send the bird
up to Town to be refitted.

We confidently recommend the whole subject to the consideration
of the sporting world at large, and, as also interested, to our
Theatrical " Property " makers and Toy-mechanicians.

Why not, while about it, all sorts of Mechanical Singing Birds ?
Why not Mechanical Fish ? How lovely our rivers would look with
these bright-coloured metallic fish swimming about, only waiting for
the disciple of Izaak Walton to drop his line in with—not a wriggling
worm at the end, oh dear no!—b\it with a small hook-shaped
magnet to attract and catch the fish, as in the old toy of our nursery
days. According to the power of the magnet and the strength of
the rod, so would be the size of the fish caught.

However, it is for us only to hint. Let those deeply interested
carry out the idea.

THE RAILWAY IDOL.

Modebn Chapels are going the way of those ancient temples,
which were superseded by other places of worship. This, the Leeds
Mercury informs us, is about to be the case with a chapel obstructing
the—

"Extension of the Great Northern Kailway to Derby.—The
Great Northern Kailway's progress into Derby has received a temporary
check. The trustees of a Baptist Chapel in Agard Street bargained, without
the consent of the congregation, to sell tbe chapel and burial-ground attached
to the railway company for the sum of £3000. The congregation now argue
that, not having their consent, the deed is null and void. The matter will be
taken into the law courts."

But who shall resist Railway Extension ? Of course the Baptist
Chapel in Agard Street will have to disappear before the Great
Northern Railway. After due litigation, its site and the adjacent
burial-ground must be traversed by the line to Derby. But see
how the whirligig of Time brings about its revenges ; for here a
chapel is to be replaced by a line of rail, and railway sleepers of
another description than those in tbe burial-ground will be laid
down over them : the whole place thus being consecrated to th •
service of a revived Paganism. For the ancients worshipped the
god Terminus, and so does the present generation, but more also.
It does not stop at Terminus worship, but worships the whole Rail-
way. Churches and everything else are sacrificed if necessary to
Railway Extension. The worst of it all is the wholesale sacrifice of
human lives which occurs in collisions.

vol. lxxi.