Punch (71.1876)

December 9, 1876.] PUNCH, OS THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 247

NEW FOOTBALL RULES.

1. No match to be played without
a Surgeon being in attendance on the
ground.

2. Should there be a hospital within
a convenient distance, notice to be
given beforehand, that the services
of the Staff may be called into requi-
sition.

3. An ample supply of bandages,
lint, splints, and other appliances to
be kept always in readiness.

4. An ambulance to be in waiting,
to convey any one who may receive
an injury to his home or to the
hospital.

5. If an ambulance cannot be pro-
cured, then a sufficient number of
Cabs to be within immediate call.

6. Proper attendants and nurses to
be engaged to wait on the sufferers.

7. Brandy and other stimulants to
be kept on the grounds.

8. Crutches and sticks to be sup-
plied for tbe use of those whose in-
juries may be only slight, but who
yet may require some artificial sup-
port to enable them to return to their
homes.

*r 9. No C-ame.to be played except on ground within easy reach of a
Telegraph Office.

These regulations may possibly be considered severe and gloomy;
but inasmuch as Football, as now too often played, appears to
inflict grievous injury, and even loss of life on those wbo engage
in its scrimmages," (from which it would seem to the uninitiated
hardly possible to emerge without some serious mischief) it becomes
necessary to recommend to all, both men and boys, who venture
on the game, to take every imaginable precaution.

Touchstone, in As You Like It, says, "It is the first time that
ever I heard breaking of ribs was sport for Ladies." Had Touch-
stone been a Football player, he could not have said it was "the
first time that ever he heard breaking of legs and necks was sport
for Gentlemen."

We will not press the acceptance of our proposed rules, if some
code of laws can be rigidly and universally adopted, which shall
greatly lessen, if not entirely prevent, the risks that now seem to
cloud "the good name of the game, and to lead to the unwelcome
introduction on the scene of the Doctor and the Coroner.

THOEOUGHLY ENGLISH.

Me. Punch, Sib,

Your generosity to the young and the intellectual is so
well known that I have not the smallest hesitation in appealing to
you. I am a young dramatist. Like Shakspeare, I take my plots
from foreign sources, but my dialogue is entirely my own ; and if
my incidents are sometimes foreign, their clothing is thoroughly
English. In justification of this assertion, I beg to enclose an
extract from one of my latest adaptations. I think you will admit
the manners and language are as thoroughly English as, say, Peril
at the Prince of Wales's Theatre ?

I am, Sir,

Your obedient Servant,
The New Junior Athenceum An Unacted Playwriter.

Garrich Club.

Scene—A third-floor in Victoria Street, elegantly furnished. The
Stage resembles an old curiosity-shop. China, brass dishes,
men in armour, point lace, and ebony cabinets scattered about
in careless but tasteful profusion. Bung {a butler) discovered
dusting the furniture with a long feather-brush. Lady Lucy
Plantagenet playfully claps her hands over Bung's eyes from
behind, with a playful exclamation of " Boh ! "
Bung {disengaging himself, after a struggle). Ah, Lady Lucy, is

it you? Dear me, how you frightened me'! Not that anything you

should do should cause me fear. Have I not played with you since

you were four years old ?
Lady Lucy. Yes, yes. But, Bung, have you got me the last

number of La Folie, as I bade you, and the Amusing Journal, with

the feuilleton of that dear Wilkxe Collins ? And have you seen my

Cousin ?

Bung. Here are the papers, my Lady. And here is a letter from
your Cousin. You will not betray me to the Duke, your father ?
Lady Lucy. Oh no, dear Bung. Be tranquil. Leave me ! [Bung

boivs, and exit.~\ And now for his letter ! I know I am imprudent,
but what can I do P When I met him at the early service at St.
James's, Piccadilly, could I help my chair being placed next to his ?
could I help our fingers meeting in the font at the door, as we went
out? In a word, could I help loving him? {Opens letter.) Ah!
what is this ? How imprudent! He has been playing heavily at
roulette at his Circle. The old story ! The old story !

Re-enter Bung, followed by Sir John.
Bung. Sir John Barleycorn ! {Aside.) I must warn the
Viscount of this visit. [Exit.
Lady Lucy. Sir !

Sir John {who is in full evening dress, and carries a bouquet).
Permit me, my Lady: but I would not have dared to have called
upon you at this early hour of the morning. I would wish to see
your noble Father.

Lady Lucy. Sir, I will go and send him to you. Sir! {Curtseys.)

Sir John. In reparation for disturbing you, my Lady, will you
permit me the honour of presenting you with this bouquet ?

Lady Lucy {with a little cry). Sir, you are all too obliging.

[Exit.

Sir John. She is prettier than her photograph! It was an
excellent idea!

Enter the Duke.

The Duke. Ah, my dear Sir John. I am delighted to see you!
Will you not join our lunch ? We always lunch at twelve.

Sir John. You are too good. I have already breakfasted. I have
come here on matter of the last moment to my happiness. I have
the honour to beg permission of your Grace to pay my addresses
to Lady Lucy, your charming daughter.

The Duke. Sir John, I shall be proud to salute you as one of the
family. Have you the contract prepared ?

Sir John {opens the door, and calls). Mr. Smith! [Enter Mr.
Smith, a Lawyer.1 Mr. Smith, have you the contract ready ?

Mr. Smith {boiving to the Duke, and producing a paper). It is
here !

The Duke. In that case, Gentlemen, I will call my daughter.

[Exit.

Sir John. How my Mother's heart would have rejoiced in this
moment! My dear sainted Mother ! She is with the angels, now,
Mr. Smith !

Re-enter the Duke, leading in Lady Lucy.
The Duke. My child, you will sign this paper.
Lady Lucy. Yes, Papa. [She signs the contract.

Sir John. What pleasure to write my signature under my
Lady's.

[He signs. Mr. Smith bows and retires with his Law papers.
The Duke. Let me shake you by the hand, Sir John ; for are
you not now my Son ?

Sir John. Adieu, Sir Duke, and my Lady, I go to the battue,
and then will return to lay at your feet the spoils of my chase.

[Exit.

Lady Lucy. What paper was that I signed, Papa ?
Hie Duke. A contract of marriage. Sir John is to be your
husband.

Lady Lucy. My husband ! [She starts.

The Duke {coldly). Your husband. Have you any reason to
allege against the union ?

Lady Lucy. None. {Aside.) Alas!

The Duke {sternly). Then you obey ?

Lady Lucy. I obey, dear Papa.

The Duke. I knew it. Are you not my child ?

Enter the Viscount, infill evening dress.
Lady Lucy {with a little cry). My Cousin!

The Viscount. Sir Duke ! My uncle, T have the honour to demand
in marriage my beautiful cousin, your daughter, the Lady Lucy.

The Duke. It is too late. You are a brave boy; but the contract
comes to be signed. Lucy is to marry-

Bung {entering). Sir John Barleycorn!

Enter the Baronet in full hunting costume.
Sir John {ivith triumph). I have shot a fox !
The Duke. Let us drink to the health of the sportsman!
[Bung brings in a lighted punch-bowl. They all drink to Sir
John as the Curtain falls.

"a little knowledge," etc.

Schoolmaster. What is the meaning of Equinox ?
Pupil {who knoivs something of Latin derivations). Please, Sir,
it's Latin for Nightmare.

Why is Punch'1 s Pocket-Booklike a Young Lady at her first ball?
Because it's " just out."

vol. lxxi.

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