Punch (71.1876)

July 15, 1876.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 13

S. AND B.

Or the Shindy at the Sign of " The Laurel" As narrated by a
very vulgar Bystander to a Fellow-Philistine.

ou know, my dear Wil-
liam, that house at the
foot of the two-headed
Hill ?

Well, a-passing it late
t'other night I dropped
in for a sweet little mill.
Leastways, when I call it
a mill, I should say that
it ended in jaw.
And no doubt the P. R.
would pooh-pooh it as
nothing hut lingo and
law.

It isn't a Pub I much pa-
tronise. Rather too up-
pish for me.
The landlord's a chap called
A. Poller — the poet's
peculiar L. V.
It's a sort of a Swell House-
of-Call for your Bards,
Critics, Artists, and
such—

The noisest parties I know when they've once had a little too
much.

They give theirselves uppercrust airs, and look down upon pewter

and beer :

A stuff they call Nectar's their "tap;" never tried it myself, Bill—
no fear!

But judging by what I have seen of the fruits of the liquor, I think
A chap doesn't lose very much who eschews that particular drink.
It appears that a couple of parties, we '11 call 'em for short S. and B.
(It stands for a blend that they love) had been making a little too

free

With—I'd rather not give it a name,.Bill—they call it poetic

afflatus,

Folks would use plainer English, no doubt, if it came over chaps of
our status.

In what's called a ' pseudonymous ' way, I made out, it had been an
old quarrel.

For B. had thought fit to suggest that the singing of S. was immoral;
While S., who is well up in insects, had hit on the neat tit-for-tat,
Of holding up B. to the public as only a sort of B flat !
Lor' ! how they pitched into each other—in language, you '11 please
understand,

For Foets, like Females, in shines make more use of the tongue than
the hand.

In fact, B. and S. in their battle reminded this party, for one,
Of a couple of Billingsgate fish-fags a-slanging each other like fun.
The names they exchanged I'd not mention in hearing of persons
polite,

For poetical cursing and swearing beats 'Grate slanging clean out of
sight.

Then they quoted each other's worst lines, and if poetry's all such
as theirs,

"From being a Bard Lord deliver us!" ought to be one of our
prayers.

For it seems that the sum and the substance of what they call

" glorious song "
Is meanings amazingly weak put in language uncommonly strong.
But at last, when I thought that the shindy must end in the

launching of heads,
They took and they called in the lawyers to settle the case in fists'

steads ;

Which of course it was nuts to the bar-chaps, and didn't they poke
fun and chafi !

Out of love-letters read in full Court 'Arry 'Awetns ne'er got
such a laugh.

Well, so far as I twigged it, the verdict was, " Bad as are B. and

his verse,

Mr. S. and his Songs and his slanging are one and a half per cent.
worse."

Though I must say if I had been called on to sum up the rights of
the pother,

My tip would have been " Pot and Kettle—six one and half-dozen
the other."

Bill, my boy, you will never find me liquor up at the sign of " The
Laurel,"

Nor try that A. Poller's best bitters which beats gin at breeding
a quarrel.

The tap of Parnassus be blowed ! if it oversets stomach and brain
As bad as the best Hamburgh Sherry, and worse than petroleum
Champagne.

I always ranked poets as duffers, but blest if I thought 'em such
muffs

As to cry " Stinking fish! " in that fashion, in chaff taking refuge
from cuffs.

But if B. and S. and their brethren would trust to Philistine's
advising,

They'd cover their sewerage up out of sight, after deodorising.
They may tell us that that's the manure for poetry's lilies and
roses,

What I know is, that all who go that way keep handkerchiefs held
to their noses.

JUSTICE TO IRELAND.

The following paper, picked up in the passage between the
Underground Railway and the Clock Tower, and evidently relating
to the Irish Land Question, appears to be rounded on the give and
take principle (give everything to the Tenant, take everything from
the Landlord), and is likely to satisfy even the demands of that
mysterious assembly the Metropolitan O'Donnel 82 Club. It is
accompanied by a short note, as under :—

Dear Father Pat,

Butt is a bosthoon : his Bill is all milk and water. I enclose
a rough sketch of what might be worked into a good Tenants' Bill.
I will be glad to get any hint you may have to offer. Don't spare
the Landlords. In haste, Yours ever O'C P

Father Pat Mulligan", Ballinrobe, Co. Mayo.

1. Landlords to be offered 99-year Leases of their estates ; renew-
able for ever on remission of one year's rent to the Tenants.

2. Fair Rents to be fixed by a competent tribunal: such as a
Committee of Three, consisting of the Parish Priest, the Curate, and
a Tenant-Farmer, holding not less than ten acres, and the bond-fide
owner of at least one pig.

3. All improvements to be allowed for: on the principle that in
consideration of every pound laid out by the Tenant ten per cent,
shall l<e deducted from the rent.

4. Absentee Landlords to pay a tax of twenty-five per cent, on
the gross rental.

5. Any absentee for five consecutive years to forfeit his estate,-
which shall be divided amongst the rightful owners of the soil, that
is to say, the small Farmers. N.B.—Small Farmers to be defined as
holders of not more than thirty acres.

6. Evictions to be totally abolished; except in cases where no
rent has been paid for ten years, at the end of which period an
ejectment can be served. The ejectment must however be cancelled
on payment of arrears for a term not to exceed six months.

7. The descendants of the original proprietors of estates confiscated
within the last two hundred and fifty years to be entitled to claim
the said estates ; and, on proof of their descent, possession shall be
given up by the present holder. Compensation to an amount not
exceeding one year's rent to be given by the incomer. In cases
where litigation arises, the costs shall, whatever the result, be
charged on the estate.

Floating Slums.

Fkom some resolutions lately passed by the Rugeley Ruri-Decanal
Conference, it seems that the condition of the Canal Population is
very deplorable, and, especially, that children are living in canal-
boats under most unwholesome conditions. The charity bestowed
on Gutter Children might be extended to Canal Children; for, as
for the unfortunate little ones there is, we much fear, little to choose
between the Canal and the Gutter.

"What's in a Name?"

Not long ago there was a discussion as to the suitability of th s
names given to Her Majesty's ships. If the discussion had extended
to the fitness of the names of officers, Mr. Punch would not,
perhaps, have had the pleasure of congratulating a Mr. James
Tremble on his appointment as Staff Surgeon to the Terror !

The End of the London Season.—Disappointment.

The Western Difficulty.—The Block at Hyde Park Corner.

vol. lxxt.

c