Punch (71.1876)

September 9, 1876.J PUNCH, Oft THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 99

BIRDS FOR SEPTEMBER.

The Billiard Hook.—Found in large numbers at Scarborough,
Boulogne, and other sea-side places. Plumage: Suits of "loud"
patterns, and much artificial jewellery. Habits : Smoking, drinking,
and gambling. Favourite companion, the Army Pigeon.

The Army Pigeon.—Found chiefly in fashionable watering-
places, both coast and inland. Plumage very similar to the Billiard
Rook, but not quite so gorgeous. Jewellery genuine. Habits :
Intemperance, wild betting, and money-paying. Favourite com-
panion, the Billiard Rook.

The Tame Dove.—Found in country-houses all over England
and Scotland. Plumage : Sober-coloured clothes of the best make.
Habits: Chatting, piano-playing, tenor-song singing, and five
o'clock tea-taking. Favourite companion, the County Canary.

The County Canary.—Found generally in her father's country-
seat. Plumage supplied entirely by Worth. Habits: Flirting,
money-spending, riding, and dancing. Favourite companion, the
Scarlet Soldier-Bird.

The Scarlet Soldier-Bird.—Found chiefly in small country towns
where a garrison is maintained. Plumage varies with the time of
day; in the morning bright red, in the evening black and white.
Habits: Soda-and-brandy drinking, smoking, strutting, and flirta-
tion. Favourite companion, the.County Canary.

The Provincial Peacock.—Found chiefly in his own nest (Peacock
Court) or by the covert-side. Plumage : Shooting-coat with leather
on the shoulders, knickerbockers, and hob-nailed boots. Habits:
Shooting, farming, and laying down the law. Favourite companion,
the Eagle-Eyed Sharpshooter.

The Eagle-Eyed Sharpshooter.—Found in most places where
guns are held in high esteem. Plumage: Suit of tweed dittos,
gaiters, and strong boots. Habits: Shooting, eating, and sleeping.
Favourite companion, the Provincial Peacock.

The Histrionic Mocking-Bird.—Found chiefly in country houses
where the young Ladies like "dressing up." Plumage: Eccentric
costume, suggestive of the farces of Me. Maddlson Morton. No
whiskers nor moustache. Habits: Lecturing, swaggering, and
giving weak imitations of popular metropolitan actors. Favourite
companion, the Melancholy Magpie.

The Melancholy Magpie.—Found generally in houses given over
to the delights of amateur theatricals. Plumage of the simplest
description ; clothes old-fashioned and unbecoming. Habits :
Making attempts to act, sneering, and raising objections. Favourite
companion, the Business-like Parrot.

The Business-like Parrot.—Found occasionally in houses where
the services of a professional stage-manager are required. Plumage :
Black clothes, with coloured cotton shirts. Habits: Repeating the
same directions twenty times an hour, keeping his temper, and

exercising forbearance under very trying circumstances. Favourite
companions, his family.

The Human Bird of Paradise.—Found in the most poverty-
stricken neighbourhoods. _ Plumage neat and unpretending. Habits :
Succouring the sick, feeding the hungry, and teaching the ignorant.
Favourite companions, poor and suffering birds wherever she can
find them.

The Steamboat Vulture.—Found in large numbers on the ocean.
Plumage : Blue serge suit, with a gold-braided cap. Habits : Col-
lecting tickets. Favourite companion, the First-Class Cabin Hawk.

The First-Class Cabin Hawk. — Found in steamboats plying
between England and abroad. Plumage same as the Steamboat
Yulture. Habits: Announcing dinner at unpleasant moments,
avoiding passengers in the hours of their anguish, and joking when
the waves are washing over the paddle-boxes. Favourite com-
panion, the Steamboat "Vulture.

The Foreign Cormorant.—Found in every town known to the
compilers of Murray's Handbooks. Plumage varying with its
nationality. Habits: Carriage-letting and hotel-keeping. Favourite
companion, the Courier Swallow.

The Courier Sivallow.—Frequently discovered in attendance upon
a family of distinction. Plumage according to the taste of his
employers. Habits : Dispensing guide-book information and re-
ceiving tips. Favourite companion, the Foreign Cormorant.

The Foolish Bird of Passage.—Invariably found at this season of
the year in France, Germany, Italy, and Switzerland. Plumage:
Bright yellow tourist suit, and cloth hat of peculiar construction.
Habits : Decidedly British. Favourite companion, his wife.

The Bird of Wisdom.—Full particulars of this marvellous crea-
ture (bequeathed by Minerva to the most celebrated sage of this or
any other age) can only be obtained at 85, Fleet Street, E.G.

PUNCH'S COUNTRY COUSINS' GUIDE.
The Metropolis in the Morte Saisox.

8 a.m.—Pdse, as in the country, and stroll round the Squares
before breakfast, to see the turn out of Cooks and Charwomen. Ask
your way back of the first Policeman you meet.

9 a.m.—Breakfast. First taste of London Milk and Butter.
Analyse, if not in a hurry. Any Policeman will show you the
nearest Chemist.

10 a.m.—To Battersea Park to see Carpets beaten. Curious atmos-
pheric effects observable in the clouds of dust and the language of
the beaters. Inquire your road of any Policeman.

11 a.m.—Take Penny Steamer up to Westminster Bridge, in time
to arrive at Scotland Yard, and inspect the Police as they start on
their various beats. For any information, inquire of the Inspector.

12 a.m.—Hansom Cab Races. These can be viewed at any hour by
standing still at a hundred yards from any Cabstand and holding up
a shilling. An amusing sequel may be enjoyed by referring all the
drivers to the nearest Policeman.

1 r.m.—Observe the beauties of solitude among the flowers in
Hyde Park. Lunch at the Lodge on Curds and Whey. Ask the
whey of the Park Keeper.

2 p.m.—Yisit the Exhibitions of Painting on the various scaffold-
ings in Belgravia. Ask the next Policeman if the House Painters
are Royal Academicians. Note what he says.

3 p.m.—Look at the shops in Bond Street and Regent Street, and
purchase the dummy goods disposed of at.an awful sacrifice.

4 p.m.—See the Stickleback fed at the Westminster Aquarium.
If nervous at being alone, ask the Policeman in waiting to accompany
you over the building.

5 p.m.—Find a friend still in Town to give you five o'clock tea m
her back drawing-room—the front of the house being shut up.

6 p.m.—Back to the Park. Imagine the imposing cavalcades in
Rotten Row (now invisible), with the aid of one exercising groom
and the two daughters of a riding-master in full procession.

, 7 r.m.—Wake up the Waiters at the Triclinium Restaurant, and
persuade them to warm up dinner for your benefit.

8 p.m.—Perambulate the Strand, and visit the closed doors of the
various Theatres. Ask the nearest Policeman for his opinion on
London Actors. You will find it as good as a play.

9 p.M>—A Turkish Bath may be had in Covent Garden Theatre.
Towels or Programmes are supplied by the Policeman at the doors.

10 p.m.—Converse, before turning in, with the Policeman on duty
or the Fireman in charge of the fire-escape. Much interesting
information may be obtained in this way.

11 p.m.—Supper at the Cabman's Shelter, or the Coffee Stall
corner of Hyde Park. Get a Policeman to take you home to Bed

watering the port.

Mr. Punch being asked what river Boulogne was on ? promptly
replied (remembering the bouquet of its fine old Port), " The Odour."

VOL. LXXI.

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