Punch (71.1876)

12

PUNCH, OB, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 8, 1876.

CANTERS OVER THE COURSE.

(Being Questions and Answers for J. P.'s of a Sporting Turn.)

Q. What do you think
of Cribbage at the '' Mag-
pie and Mustard-Spoon " ?

A. A sadly vicious prac-
tice, requiring the most
stringent police super-
vision of a paternal Go-
vernment.

Q. State your view of
Baccarat, as carried on
nightly at the Piccalilli
Club ?

A. An agreeable delasse-
meni, which promotes
good-fellowship and en-
riches the tobacconists.

Q. How would you treat
George Green, sawyer,
and John Stubbs, green-
grocer, if you caught them
backing a plater for half a
sovereign ?

A. A month on the Mill
would be a lenient punish-
ment for so atrocious a
pastime.

Q. "Would you object'to
accompany Lord Deuce-

ace to tattersall's ?

A. Certainly not, as he might put me on to a good thing.
Q. Do you ever bet ?

A. Not with my inferiors—unless regular bookmakers or persons
otherwise professionally connected with the Turf.

Q. What are the cardinal virtues of your Club companions ?

^4._ Knowing the right horse to back, the right card to play, and
the right man to pay up.

Q. What are the characteristic vices of the low gambler ?

A. .Risking hard-earned means on the chances of horse-racing,
playing with greasy cards for sixpences, and aiding and abetting
welchers.

Q. Give a summary of the deserts of this most mischievous class.
A. Imprisonment with hard labour in this world, and the prospect
of a warm corner in the next.

Q. Where do you think you will go to ?

A. Having lost two thou, at Bac. last night, or, rather, this
morning,—to bed.

MAEY ANNER TO THE RESCUE !

" He (Mr. Spurgeon) thought a little encouragement was a very fine
thing. . . Some of the girls staggered him when he thought of how by
imprudent marriages they threw themselves into poverty, and became subjects
of unkind treatment. . . Many were too fond of reading stupid novels. . .
For his part, he could not benefit by reading fiction. . . He would recommend
them to learn a text, and let it lie on the tip of the tongue all day, like a
lozenge, so that when things went wrong with them they could think of tbis
text, thus enabling them to pass their lives away pleasantly."—Mr. Spurgeon
on Servants.

Dear Susan Jane,

I've 'alf an hour to spare—no thanks to Missis!
Tf ever a sitivation was a reglar grinder, this is.
It ain't my young Man's evening out, worse luck,—who'd be a
"Slavey"?—

And I've read that last instalment of the Mysteries of Belgravy,
And so I takes my pen once more, as doesn't need much urging,
But burns, like me, to have a shy at that there Mr. Spurging.
Not that he's half a bad sort, Sue, as means well in admonishin',
But, bless yer 'art, the rubbige that he talks is jest astonishin'!
Which mere outsiders, I maintains, can't never do no other,
For all their sly connivering round and kicking up a bother.
I giv that Mr. Reade a rap as shut him up delishus,
And now here comes a Parson, jest as foolish and offishus,
Who'd have us gals shun marriage, 'cos it leads to 'omes like
'ovels,

And pass our leisure learning texts instead of reading novels!
A very pretty program, Sue ! I'd like to see him trying it:
To work like Niggers, live like Nuns, looks nice, there's no deny-

But Servant Gals ain't "book-marks" quite, nor yet "illumer-
nations " :

They'd better bring a batch of Saints to fill seeh sitivations.
And if Saints slaved like sarvant-gals, and hadn't no more larkses,
I guess they'd find that Spurgeon's plan 'ud squench their wital
sparkses.

Which what he rekkermends seems this,—what wonder gals finds
fault with it ?—

Let Servants live on cold biled weal, and never take no salt with it.
It's very true—give him his due !—he does come down a cropper
On Mississes as seems to hold continual nagging proper—
(Ah! if he know'd, percise, what on the "rampage" or the "furrage"
meant!)—

And says a friendly word or two on giving gals " encouragement."
But silver medals, texts, and sech, ain't all as Nature craves for,
Even among them Mississes as thinks we 're made their slaves for ;
And Ministers theirselves ain't proof 'gainst matrimonial urgings—
I've heard, Sue, of a Mrs. S. and several youthful Spurgings—
AVhile, if all Servants frowned on chaps as weren't right down
" relijus,"

Good gracious, Sue, the number of Old Maids 'ud be perdijus!
For novels—well, there's good and bad, as so there is of tracks too,
Which some I've read does anythink but stick the sober facks to.
Spurging himself can spin a yarn, and pile it up like winking,
And Sermons, for " sensation," may beat Stories, to my thinking.
7 likes a tale. If Spurging finds more fun and ease in joking,
Or telling traveller's tales at home, or mild Havannahs smoking,
(Which last I've heard he's partial to,) he 'sfree to spend his leisure
In patronising, pious-like, his own pertikler pleasure.
He doesn't feel no sort of call—no, Sue, I'll bet my head on it!—■
To chuck away a choice cigar, and suck a text instead on it.
Let him remember gals is gals, and no more Cherrybimses
Than other folks ; as most of us does have our fads and whimses.
If lives is dull, and work is hard, and Mississes is rileing,
We sometimes longs for more than "texts " to cheer us in our tiling.
My gracious ! There's Saai's whistle, Sue. No blackbird couldn't
beat him ;

He's round by the back garding gate : I '11 j est' slip down and meet
him—

I may have time for half a word. Oh, Sue, he's got sech whiskers !
Wonder how Swells would like to do their courting so promiskus !
There! there! I hears! Young Artful, to pop on me in this
manner!

And so no more jest now, dear, from \*our loving ,r .

J ' ' J ° Mary-Anner.

AT LORD'S.

What a Young Lady says.—I -do so like cricket matches, they are
so pretty, and I am quite learned about them. But do tell me, why
are they running after that ball; and is it really necessary to put
three bits of stick near the bowlers with their bats ? You didn't
know I knew so much about it, now, did you ? Thank you so much,
I will take a little more champagne cup. No raised pie, thanks—I
have got some lobster salad. Oh, do smoke. I am awfully fond of
the smoke of a cigar in the open air ! And now, you must tell me
all the news.

What a Dowager says.—I shall certainly keep my umbrella up,
in spite of shutting out the view from a carriage-load behind me. I
really must think of myself in this hot weather a little !

What a Young Man says.—Really too bad of that old woman to
put up an umbrella, eh r Can't be any good to her, don't you
know. Nonsense to think she wants to keep her complexion. Got
no complexion at all, don't you know ? Hasn't had one, I should
think, for the last twentv years, eh, don't you know?

What an Old School-fellow says.—Hallo, my boy, why it's you !
Haven't seen you for twenty years ! How fat you've got! Why,
what used we to call you ? Oh, " Nosey," to be sure !

What Angelina says.—My dear Edwtn, you don't mean to say
you were ever called " Nosey! " How you have deceived me!

What Edwin says.—Hang that fellow!

What a Good Boy says— My dear father, this is a very painful
sight! It grieves me to see two-and-twenty young men spending
in recreation time that might'be so usefully employed in study!

What a Bad Boy says— Look here, old man, let's give the
guv'nor the slip, and have some more grub !

What Everybody says— Capital way to spend a summer s day
pleasantly.

And what the Umpire says {especially at 7 p.m.).—Over !

Is there such a Thing?

We extract this from a country paper, in case such a rata avis is
Which texts' is very proper things-there's one or two I knows on to be caught, and will give the address when it is caught:-
Might find out where the corns is bad, if dropped some people's TX7ANTED, a Country GIRL (Church), taU and strong, about 16, with-
tocson— I YV out a Chignon, to help in a family of two; man kept.—Address, &c.