Punch (71.1876)

24

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 15, 1876.

WAITING FOR THE ROYAL COMMISSION.

Strange Marina Growth, the result of Admiralty Dry-Rot.

"An old subaltern is a military vegetable, without zeal as without hope."

Napier's Peninsular War

MR. NEWF ANGLE'S NOTIONS.

Mr. Newfangle, who has choice rooms in Mr. Han-
key's new mansion, whose chief hook is his hetting-book,
who drives a neat cabriolet to the Stock Exchange daily,
and talks familiarly of Rothschilds and Barings, is
decidedly amused by Mr. Oldfangle's opinions.

" Quotes Milton, eh? Never met with any fellow
who had read him. Why can't he go to Byron for
wisdom ?

" ' So, for a good old-gentlemanly vice,
I think I must take up with avarice.'

That's common sense. Money lasts. You can't say that
of anything else.

"Fancy life being long enough to cut quill pens. My
Secretary does all my letters with that printing thing
that some Jew must have invented, for its name looks
like Hebrew.* Saves time, and is deuced easy to read.
Dare say the old fogy writes a plaguy bad hand, with
all his brag about quill pens.

" ' A canzonet to a lady!' Much better send her a
diamond bracelet, if you think she's worth it. If not,
try her with pastes. ' A cartel to an enemy.' Bring
your action for libel, old boy: it's a safe thing : juries
always give damages now-a-days. And as to all that
rubbish about crests and mottoes, it is sheer nonsense.
Any fellow can choose his own—and his own ancestors,
too, for that matter. I've no doubt there was a New-
fangle who came in with the Conqueror ; but what's
that to me ? I came, saw, and conquered the Stock
Exchange and Tattersall's. That expression is not my
own : Alexander the Great's, I think.

"I'm all for maintaining Turkey and Egypt. What
should we do without them in the City ? Many's the 20
per cent, transaction I've had in their bonds, for people
who never have any money are always willing to pay a
long price for a little. Finance is the basis of foreign
politics, I say—and nobody can understand Finance
without going on the Stock Exchange."

This long speech, made just after breakfast, the young
Gentleman washed down with a tumbler of iced cham-
pagne ; then ordered his cab, and drove radiantly to the
City.

* This may mean " papyrograph."

CHLOE, M.D., OK MR. COWPEB-TEMPLE'S BILL.

The Medical Maidens, dear Punch, are by no means desirous to
learn

At Paris, Berlin, or Vienna, at Leipsic or Zurich or Berne ;
They want to be taught by the Doctors of England, and carve their
way through

Vivisection, and all sections else, that to reach M.D. must be cut
through.

They would not aspire to the power of the mighty Physician who sees
In the movement or glance of a patient the signs of the hidden
disease :

Nor dare hope to rival the Surgeon, who needs, that his work maybe
done,

Lion's heart, Eagle's eye, Lady's hand—must have Manhood and
Genius in one.

And though there are small operations no Lady is likely to dread,
Yet they feel no particular wish to cut off Me. Wheelhotjse's
head.*

But many's the sick-room we see—ere it comes to the battle with
Death,

Where Genius is needed to rouse to life's flame a last flicker of
breath—

Where a woman-physician might aid. She that once at blood's

flowing had swooned.
With the deftness of feminine Angers might tenderly bandage a

wound.

As to healing our own sex, of course we are game to do that much;
but then,

Few women have much faith in women : they 'd rather be doctored
by men.

So do you, Mr. Punch, to Lord Sandon (he's charmingly clever)
give orders

To take up in earnest, this Session, that Bill of the learned

Recorder's:

* Mr. Wheelhouse said—" A woman might, no doubt, safely administer
a camomile pill or a dose of ealts and senna; but as for a surgical operation,
he would sooner allow her to cut off his head than to cut off his leg."

If you will, on the word of a Lady, I '11 cure you, without any fee,
Of any slight ailment that ever may trouble you.

Chloe, M.D.

{Mr. Punch always goes to Judy, M.D., for slight ailments. Miss
Chloe seems a good deal more modest in her demands than most of
the agitators on her side of the question. If the Medical Council
and other leading medical bodies could see a way by which women
might obtain a separate medical education, without overtaxing the
staff of the Medical Schools, and afterwards, on passing the needful
examinations, be admitted to practise, within the conditions of their
sex and the limits of their powers, the question which has been
fought with such needless bitterness might be solved to the public
advantage, and with no violation of decency or propriety on the
part of the Ladies who aspire to the degree of Medicines Doctrix.)

Horse and Foot.

There are many persons far North who are likely to see a
remarkable discrepancy in the newspaper announcement subjoined
respecting—

" The Volunteeii Review.—It should have been stated that the Brigade
of Guards at the Review on Saturday was commanded by Colonel de Horsey
of the Grenadier Guards."

We shaU probably hear from numerous friends beyond the Tweed
that they wonder that the Grenadier Guards, being a foot regiment,
has a Colonel who, as far as his name points, ought to belong to the
Cavalry.

Advice to those who Accept Drafts upon Bankers from the
Reckless and Impecunious.—" Don't count your cheques until
they are cashed."

The Best School of Cookery—The Office of a City Accountant.

The Sort of Rain Yiyisectionists want.—Cats and Dogs.