Punch (71.1876)

104

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 9, 1876.

SOCIAL BEINGS.

Wearied by London Dissipation, the Mar.toribanks Browns go, for the sake of perfect Quiet, to that Picturesque
little Watering-Place, Shrimpington-super-Mare, where they trust that they will not meet a single Soul they know.
Oddly enough, the Cholmondeley Joneses go to the same Spot with the same Purpose.

Now, these Joneses and Browns cordially detest each other in London, and are not even on speaking Terms ; yet
such is the depressing effect of "perfect Quiet" that, as soon as they meet at Shrimpington-super-Mare, they rush
into each other's Arms with a wild Sense of Relief !

THE BRITON ABROAD.

(A few useful Sentences, to be translated into French and German, for the

use of all true Britons.)

Be good enough to show me a Room furnished in the English
fashion.

Please get me some Brandy and Soda Water.
I want some Eggs and Bacon and three cups of Tea for my Break-
fast.

Will you show me a Shop where I can get Buns for my Wife's
lunch, and Muffins and Crumpets for the Children's tea.
I shall require a Beef steak and ahottle of Bass's Ale atone o'clock.
Cet me a Cab—a Hansom, if possible.
Where is the English Church ?
Where does the English Doctor live ?
Is there an English Lawyer in this town ?
Where can I see all the English papers ?
Where can my Wife get English dresses ?
Where can I get English cigars ?

Eor dinner I shall want some Oxtail Soup, a Cod's head and Oyster
Sauce, and a Sirloin.
I should like half a dozen bottles of Ginger-beer.
Do you know how to mix Shandy-gaff ?
Have you a copy of Bradshaw ?
Where can I get Murray's Guide f

I see that there is a " Jardin Anglais" in this town. Be good
enough to direct me to it.

Bring me the Times and this week's Punch.

What do they think here of the Prisons Bill, the Education Act,
and the new Statue to the late Prince Consort at Edinburgh ?

I suppose you were all surprised to find " Dizzy " accepting a call
to the Upper House ?

I shall want a Tub in the morning.

Not know what a " Tub " is ! Why a Bath, to be sure.

No Bath in this'town!

What! you don't think I shall be able to get a Bath in the whole
country!

Order my traps to be put back into the Omnibus. I shall leave
for England by the next train!

THE BULGARIAN STATUS QUO.

The status quo f As 'twas before ?

The state of bondage to the Turk ?
Mahometan misrule restore ?

Confirm, the Moslem's fiendish work ?

Oh devilry, that far and wide
Has ruin o'er Bulgaria spread,

And blood, by Summer scarcely dried
Upon the half-unburied dead!

Think of Batak made Moloch's den,
That Tophet, and its putrid mire ;

Heaped with the skulls and bones of men;
The charnel-relies marked with fire;

Those blackened walls, and those remains,
Women's and babes'—the worst that tell!

The status quo f Bulgaria's plains
P^linquisned to the hordes of hell ?

Unless the British Lion's roar
Is mere bombast, ye Statesmen, . No!

Diplomacy shall not restore
That execrable status quo I

Litebabt.—An article in a daily, entitled The Political History
of Bucks, is to be followed up by Social Memorials of Swells.