Punch (71.1876)

110

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[September 9, 1876,

COMMON OBJECTS ON THE SEA-SHORE.

(As I see them every day, and all day long, from my Marine View

Lodgings.)

German Band, consisting of a
cornet, a clarionet, two horns,
and a trombone—all dreadfully
out of tune. This orchestra is
sometimes reduced to a duet
"between the trombone and the
junior horn ; the remainder of the
artistes deserting their instru-
ments to forage for half-
pence.

An Old Woman, with
Cakes of an indigestible
character. This person is
in the habit of forcing her
pernicious wares upon
children, and then appeal-
ing to their parents for pay-
ment.

An Organ-grinder, with
an instrument playing five
old comic songs. The front
of his organ is "ornamented
with a panorama of nothing
in particular, which moves
slowly, andihas a tendency
to stick.

Another Organ-grinder,
with a very inferior instru-
ment indeed. His entertain-
ment is strengthened by the
presence (in a cosmopolitan uniform) of a deeply-aggrieved Monkey.
The Monkey is conscientious in the discharge of his official duties,
but evidently (from his demeanour) allows his thoughts to stray far
away from the scene of his labours.

Yet a third Organ-grinder, who howls to his own accompaniment.
His favourite air is " Santa Lucia" which he delivers as if it were
a dirge suitable to the wake of a Hottentot Chieftain. After 11 a.m.
this person is generally under the influence of liquor.

Two Foreigners (dirty and blasphemous), with a wiry Pianoforte
mounted on a truck. Whilst one of them grinds out (in eccentric
time) " The Conspirators' Chorus" from La Fille de Madame Angot,
the other fiercely demands money from nervous-looking old Ladies.

A very dirty Swiss Boy, with a heart-broken guinea-pig. This
young scamp is importunate, and has the habit of thrusting his
animal before the faces of easily-frightened Ladies and children.
He receives your angriest remonstrances with an impudent grin,
and only moves off on the appearance of a Policeman.

A thick-set, loud-voiced, illiterate person, in a rusty suit of black,
who delivers what he is pleased to consider Sermons " to a satirical
crowd of holiday makers. His "discourses" are frequently prof ane,
generally ill-considered, and invariably vulgar.

A Maiden Lady, of an uncertain, or rather of a very certain age,
with " a Mission." In the pursuit of what she considers to be her
duty, she is unduly familiar with young men, rude to old men, and
a nuisance to the rest of the creation.

A Punch and Judy Show, with what the French would call
" risque " dialogue, and an exceedingly melancholy Dog Toby.

A Music-Hail Singer, with a choice selection of music-hall songs.
This person generally puts up at the best hotel and frequently in
the afternoon drives down the High Street in a pony carriage.

Three Foreigners (nationality vague) with a bagpipes and a penny
whistle._ They are clad in sheepskins and leg bandages, and are
much given to shrieking and howling in the neighbourhood of rival
entertainers.

A Highland Piper, evidently from the glens of Shoreditch. He
wears the McMoses tartan, and discourses in broad Cockney slang.

Negro Serenaders of every hue. Those conducted by persons
wearing the garb of Punch should be more avoided than the rest.
As a rule, these troupes are less refined than the others. It must be
clearly understood that this is not saying very much for "the
others."

A Woman with a Tray, containing a stock of imitation jewellery
and useless articles ornamented with shells. When this harpy puts
in an appearance, care should be taken to keep an eye upon any
stray articles of apparel that may be lying about.

Some sentry-boxes upon wheels, called bathing-machines. These
vehicles are generally sandy, and are invariably fitted up with
nails so placed that the clothes of the bathers may be caught and
destroyed. They have no springs, and are, therefore, well adapted
for the perpetration of practical jokes on the part of the horse-
drivers.

And, lastly, the commonest object on the Seashore is a liquid very
frequently little less impure than our own noble river the Thames,
a liquid that is the attraction of all the poor health-seekers who
flock to its adulterated borders—in other words, the Sea!

THE LATEST BAGS.

The Right Hon. W. E. G-e. A hatchet, a hoe, a watering-
pot, and two thousand jocular excursionists.

The Right Hon. the Earl of B-d. Eight hundred and

seventy-five leading articles, a couple of addresses, one patent of
nobility, and a coronet.

The Right Hon. Sir _S--d N-e. Two thousand seven hun-
dred and sixty-five additional cares, a few months of reprieve, and
the Leadership of the House of Commons.

The Most Noble the Marquis oe H—-n. A couple of hundred
congratulations from the Liberal benches, and the claim to an
increase in popularity.

The Right Hon. the Earl G-e. One new opponent.

The Right Hon. Mr. Punch. Two million tons of paper, con-
taining jokes about "Dizzy " and the "field" for " beacons."

FASHION'S DRAM.

Leave to grosser natures sunk

Deep in vice, the Demon Gin,
Tempting wretched creatures drunk

Onwards in the paths of sin!
Ladies, wreathe the grateful bowl

With adornments floral,
While we steep the cultured soul

In a draught of Chloral!

Sing Chloral-oral-oral-ly—
Sing Chloral-oral-ly-do !

Sleeping off its heavenly dreams,

Lovely visions steep the soul,
AYhile del. trem. raves, and shakes, and
screams,

In fusel oil and alcohol.
Horrors that we only know

Through our channels aural.
What care we for others' woe,

Wreathed in fumes of Chloral ?

Sing Chloral, &c.

Wives there are? so scandal cries,

Born with vicious men to flirt;
Others worse, unless she lies,—

Even homes and kin desert.
If we seek oblivion, still

We at least are moral.
To the brim a bumper fill!

Fashion soaks in Chloral!

Sing Chloral, &c.

PEERAGE AND POST.

A Correspondent of the Belfast Neivs Letter, reporting current
rumours, says :—

"I have also heard since my last communication on this subject (hat the
Queen has offered the Earldom, with remainder, to Mr. Ealph Disraeli
(the brother of Lord Beaconsfield, and to whom he is much attached),
with descent in the mail line."

The Belfast News Letter announces news indeed. The Earldom
of Beaconsfield may be considered as an honour awarded as well to
literary as to political eminence; but were it really true that the
Queen had offered that dignity to the Premier's brother, with
descent in the mail line, Her Majesty's subjects would certainly
think that their Most Gracious Sovereign entertained a very peculiar
idea of the kind of person who is meant by the description-of " a
man of letters."

European Want.

Wanted, for the settlement of the Eastern Question, to govern
the Turkish Provinces, and control populations of different races and
religions, an able, energetic, and honest Man, of any persuasion,
who believes everything that all reasonable men believe, but keeps
all other dogmas and opinions which he may hold to himself, or, at
any rate, would not allow them, in the slightest degree to influence
his conduct in dealing with the subjects over whom somebody or
other is required to preside who could keep them in order.

Of course Mr. Bunch knows of such a person, whom modesty
forbids him to name, and besides who is otherwise engaged.