Punch (71.1876)

270

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[December 16, 1876.

A CLOWN ON THE CATTLE SHOW.

Likewise our wives and daaters,

To useful ways inclined,
Aff'oordun 'urn informaaishun,

And fodder fur the mind.

But ' twarnt alone the Cattle

That was wonderful to me,
But the People in their thousands,

The Christians come to zee,
Of every kind o' callun',

And trade besides our own,
To enjoy the feast o' Fancy's eye,

And feelosofy alone.

They poked the bullocks and heifers,
Till they couldn't stand up no more,

And they prodded the fat pigs, weighun
From twenty to varty score,

Till they squaled ten thousand murders-
How 'tis to hear and zee

The intelligunce o' the Public
Awake to that there degree !

'Tis popular enlightenmunt,

All that, beyond all doubt:
Zound practical eddication,

As you med zay, carried out.
And a hint on that there zubject

Vrom the Smithvield Club I got;
What's the use o' that superfius fat

On the sides o' that there fat lot ?

The most on't runs to perfect waste ;

Doan't do no sart o' good ;
To gie a pig too much barley-male,

'Tis as bad as burnun food.
I've heerd o' the banks o' the Izus,

And likewise those o' Cam ;
And in eddication o' animuls too

I fears there be too much Cram.

heit I be up in
London,
What times I
got to goo,
I mixes pleasure
wi' bisnus
If I can jine the
two.

Although the

raain veil

pourun,
And the starmy

winds did

blow,
I went to the

Agricult'ral

Hall,
And zee the

Cattle Show.

Terreable zight o'
beastees,
Cows, oxun,
ship, and
swine,
A veeast to every
grazier's eye,
And to us in the
farmer line,

IN EXPLANATION.

In his number of December 2, Punch published, under the head
of "True or Untrue," some lines on the death of Emma Black,
alleged to have been caused by her being shut in a dark cupboard at
the Southwark Board School.

The lines did not endorse the allegation, but pointed it out as one
for inquiry. Punch is glad to learn that before the lines were pub-
lished, a Committee of the School Board had made an inquiry into
the case, and found—

1. That the child's death was due to natural causes.

2. That there was no evidence, beyond the statement of the
Mother, that the child was ever shut into a dark closet at the school,
though the Coroner's Inquest was adjourned for a week to allow of
such evidence being produced.

3 That such evidence as was produced of other children having
been put in a dark closet in the same school related to a time before
the present Mistress was appointed.

4. That the Mistress now in charge of this infant school, Miss
Baruett, is a kind and gentle person, much liked by the children
under her charge.

When the London School Board is so "jealously watched and so
harshly criticised, Punch feels it a duty on his part to give all the
publicity he can to the fact that, in a case which seemed to call for
inquiry, the Board promptly made such inquiry, and were able to
exonerate the schoolmistress of the Southwark Infant School from
any responsibility for the death of Emma Black.

PUNCH'S PARTY WORD-BOOK.

With a view to the enlightenment of unsophisticated and, there-
fore, frequently puzzled perusers of Party outpourings, whether
from the press or the platform, Mr. Punch has prepared the
following definitions and explanations of some of the chief words
and phrases in the verbal armoury of the Party Controversialist.
The personal pronouns in these cases will, of course, be understood
to refer to the person speaking or writing, none other being worthy
of consideration—from the Party point of view.

All reasonable and respectable People—Ourselves.

Everybody—That portion of the community, small or great,
which sides with us.

Nobody—Everybody who holds or expresses opinions antagonistic
to ours.

The Opinion of the Country—This is arrived at by an exceedingly
simple arithmetical process, namely, by subtracting the views of
"Nobody" (in the above sense) from those of "Everybody" (as
before defined).

Common-Sense—The opinion common to all those who agree
with us.

Patriotism—Our views of the interests and duties (especially the
former) of our country. Of this quality we have, from the very
necessity of the case, an exclusive monopoly. A claim to any share
in it on the part of others may be described indifferently as blind
philanthropy," " mischievous humanitarianism," or " bigoted
fanaticism."

Blatant Conceit—The impression, on the part of our opponents,
that they have a right, equally with ourselves, to opinions of their
own.

Well-meaning but 3Iisguided People—Persons whom it may be
desirable to depreciate, but impolitic to abuse.

Pestilent and Pretentious Sciolists—-Persons of precisely the same
way of thinking or speaking, who may be attacked with impunity.

Spouting—A depreciatory epithet for all talk but our own.

Nostrum—The specific of a rival prescriber.

Faction—Departure from our pet programme.

The Herd—The World minus our clique.

Imperial Interest—Natural Selfishness—with a big S.

Humanitarianism—A scornful synonym for any form of humanity
that happens to run counter to " Imperial Interest."

Intelligent Public Spirit—Open advocacy of our views.

Fatuous Fussiness—Public advocacy of any others.

Atrocity—Venal errors on the part of our clients.

Ferocity—The indignation of those who dare to denounce them.

Sentiment—The root of all—political—evil.

Inverted Commas—A mechanical, but compendious and invalu-
able—because unanswerable—method of tacit perversion and mute
depreciation. What a shrug is to a scandal-monger, Inverted
Commas are to a superfine critic.

The list might be indefinitely extended, but the principles of
interpretation here enumerated will be found to apply to wide fields
of contemporary controversy. Read in the light of these principles,
many journalistic Jeremiads will be found more intelligible, if
perchance less edifying.

From Psycho to Gastro.

Fkom a recently reported lecture, it appears'that the Loan Col-
lection at South Kensington contains an artificial stomach, capable
of actually digesting food. If it can really perform that function,
there will then indeed be occasion for " no more pills, or any other
medicine" at present requisite for the relief of dyspepsia._ The
artificial stomach will form a supplement to, or indeed mainly, a
substitute for, artificial teeth. It will supply the want of invalids,
who complain that their stomach is all gone, and thus virtually,
though not anatomically, replace the real stomach. The artificial
stomach may be safely pronounced a real blessing to Aldermen.

Drink foe Quiet Dkunkards.—The Silent Spirit.