Punch (71.1876)

282

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 23, 1876.

CATTLE SHOW EXPERIENCES.

[From our Cockney Correspondent)

ogg to the rescue ! "Where
is Islington? Great
searching of maps to
discover the locality.
Long discussions as to
best method of proceed-
ing thither. Victualling
as for a voyage. Start
by humble omnibus in
order to study character.
Honest rustic with fine
bloom of health upon his
face. What must be his
feelings at the first sight
of the metropolis ! What
stories he will have to
tell when he returns to
his native village, in the
winter evenings, in the
chimney corner of the
ale - hojise ! He looks
troubled—perhaps think-
ing of his country lass ?
How in omnibus. Honest
rustic's hand in somebody
else's pocket. Police ap-
pear upon the scene.
Disappearance of honest
rustic in custody of the
guardians of the peace
who affectionately greet
him as " Vitechapel
Bill." Moral: do not
judge by appearances.

Proceed on journey.
Genuine Parmer informs
all who care to listen
that he has been to the

Show and is now going to South Kensington Museum. Hasty bundling of Genuine Farmer out
of omnibus to get a right one. Arrive at last. Wrong door, turn to the left. Do turn to
the left and walk several miles. Eight door at last. No: turn to the right. More miles,
begin to sympathise with Weston. In the Show finally. Declaration of War (by a Ritualist

First sensation, smell. Worse than Cologne. Train of ideas, scent the animals another with a cold in his head).—We will resist
year. How much per cent, better would it be? Try and look like a Country Farmer. | the Secular Courts " Tooth and Dale."

Go and see prize beasts. One is pretty
much the same as another. Foretaste of
Christmas indigestion in looking at the
adipose animals. Watch and see what the
experts do. Punch animals with their fists.
Do likewise. Animal shows signs of retalia-
tion. Somebody makes offensive remarks
on danged Cockneys. Failure. Great rush
of crowd. Arrival of the Prince of Wales.
Mob him. Hustle him. Touch his coat-
tails. Get a good stare, at any rate.
Never mind knocking him among the
cattle. Discovery. It is not the Prince at
all! Gentleman bearing strong facial re-
semblance to His R,oyal Highness departs
breathless and pommelled. Wish that
someone knew anything about cows. Meet
friends. Friends are all blessed with
country friends, and are being posted up
in details. Don't seem to have any country
friends.

Hale-looking Squire enters into discussion
as to the relative merits of some sheep-pens.
Great chance. Perfect stranger, but how
pleasantly simple these country manners
are! _ Ingratiate new friend with proffers
of drink. Accepted. Knows everything.
Nod at other friends triumphantly. They
stare, wink, and make queer grimaces. All
envy. Policeman tells newly-discovered
friend that it won't do. Newly-discovered
friend does not understand him. Police-
man advises a speedy departure. This will
not do. Why should a country gentleman
be insulted by the minions of the law ? I
interfere hotly. Policeman grins. Friend
has disappeared in the crowd. Policeman
grins again. What ? What ? Really ?
Have been fraternising with the head of
the great Confidence Dodge Gang. Police-
men are gazing suspiciously. Am being
pointed out. Hang the Cattle Show! Go
away and never return!

DIRECTIONS FOR THE SHORTEST DAY.

In'the morning put on a short coat.

Take a short walk before breakfast.

After breakfast go and have your hair cut short.

To celebrate the day becomingly, invite a party to dinner, con-
sisting exclusively of persons who are short-necked, short-sighted,
short-tongued, short-winded, and short in bodily stature. But do
not give your guests short commons, and instruct the cook to be
mindful that her pastry is short.

If you are called upon for a speech, let it be short and sweet.

After dinner have a short nap.

At tea-time place short-bread on the table.

In the evening play short wbist.

The acquisition of fresh knowledge is always desirable—begin,
therefore, on this day to learn short-hand, or to study short-horns,
or to acquire greater facility in the composition of verses, longs and
shorts, or if you are afflicted with a short memory to employ arti-
ficial means to improve it.

Select this anniversary for baby to be short-coated.

Order in a stock of candles, short sixes.

Avoid short cuts.

Beware of taking something short.
Let your resentments be short-lived.

Do not give short weight or short answers ; and, if you are short
of money, do not suffer the deficiency to cause you to be short-
tempered.

At the close of the day indulge yourself with a short pipe.

the eastern question.

At the Consecration of the Bishop of Calcutta, it was noticed
that all the Bishops present, with the exception of the Archbishop
of Canterbury, turned their faces to the East. We know that the
Wise Men turned their backs on it.

CHRISTMAS WAITS.

All Europe waits to know the result of the Constantinople Con-
ference.

All England waits for the opening of Parliament.
All the young folks wait for the pudding, the Pantomimes, and
the presents.

All the poor old people in the Workhouses wait for their Christ-
mas Day dinner, tobacco, and beer.

All the usual recipients wait for their Christmas-boxes.

All the theatrical world waits for Boxing-Night.

All industrious, hard-worked, busy people wait for the holidays.

All persons, of all ranks and degrees, wait, with some trepidation,
for their Christmas bills.

All the young Ladies wait to help the young Curates with the
Christmas decorations.

All the younger branches wait for the Christmas tree.

All the Members of Parliament wait the 8th of February with an
impatience which can hardly be restrained.

All right-thinking people wait the abolition of " gate-meetings."

Temple Bar waits its doom.

Noel.

(A Christinas Anacreontic.)

Bring me Turtle here in bowls !
Bring me Turbot, bring me Soles !
Turkey too, and dainty chine,
Balls of sausage-meat combine :
Tipsy-cake and Roman Punch ;
Of Plum-pudding a good hunch,
With Mince-pies, both brandy-sauced.

Bring-The list I can't exhaust—

Bring them all!—and, when you do,
Bring the nearest Doctor too !