Punch (93.1887)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 16, 1887.

REMARKS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNANSWERED.

Lady Godiva, " Yes, Me. Green, I've been Painted by all

the most celebrated artists of my time j but not ONE of them
has ever done me justice !"

Mr. Green. "What—not even Sir Joshua?"

MIXED PICKLES; OR, A VERY LATE PARTY.

Scene—A Private Room. Two Eminent Statesmen discovered in
consultation. Lists of past and present Members of Parliament,
also political Maps of England, scattered about.

Lord R. Ch-rch-ll. Well, we 're agreed about the name, then.
It's to be the "National Radical Conservative Unionist Liberal
Party," eh?

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n [doubtfully). Rather long, isn't it? "Wouldn't
the "Old England Party"—no connection with Dizzy's "Young
England " ditto—sound better ? And then we're safe to be called
" Nationalists," and the word has such disagreeable associations.

Lord R. Ch-rch-ll [cheerfully). Pooh! What's in a name ? I've
been called lots of nasty ones before now.

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. Yes, and called them yourself, too, sometimes.

Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (with gay indifference). Now to business. The
most important thing we have to decide is—Who are to be the mem-
bers of the New Party ?

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n [confidently). Quite so. There'll be a perfect
rush to join us. We shall have to " hold the fort" pretty strongly
to prevent our being swamped. Mind, no weak compliance with
what are called " social influences."

Lord E. Ch-rch-ll. No. And no claim for admission founded on
mere relationship to be regarded for a moment.

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. Hm! I don't know. Eamilv life, you see, is,
after all the basis of the State ; and so it's only fair that the State
should do something for one's family in return.

LordR. Ch-rch-ll [diplomatically). All right! Then we '11 shelve
that subject. Now, as regards the G. 0. M. Suppose he found him-
self quite out in the cold, and wanted to join us, eh ?

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n [decidedly). Not for a moment. Where would
our " Dual Control" be then'?

Lord R. Ch-rch-ll. Of course. Shouldn't we let in Hartington ?
Yes. Well, how about Salisbury ?

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. Awkward if Salisbury thinks of becoming
member of New Party, eh ?

LordR. Ch-rch-ll [energetically). That's my view entirely. You

see, if Salisbuey joins, he '11 want to be Prime Minister, and then
where should L be ?

Mr. Ch-mh-rl-n [surprised). You! The question rather is,
where J should be ?

Lord R. Ch-rch-ll [hastily). Ah. well; then we'll shelve that
subject too for the present. Wouldn't you—er—like—er—to go into
the Lords, and lead them f

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. You mean, of course, as Premier ?

LordR. Ch-rch-ll [modestly). I thought—ahem—that my natural

qualifications for that post were so obvious that-but, as I said,

let's drop the subject for a time. We can come back to it again.
Now, what's to be the programme of the Party ?

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n [with emphasis). There's no doubt about that, I
should think. Eree Education, of course. Then Jesse insists on
allotments and free holdings-

LordR. Ch-rch-ll (thoughtlessly). Hang Jesse!

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n [with considerable dignity). Sang him? I intend
Jesse as our first Chancellor of the Exchequer, or President of Board
of Trade, I can tell you.

Lord R. Ch-rch-ll [gaily). All right. I don't mind, if you con-
sent to Wolff being next Governor-General of India. Army and
Navy Estimates to be cut down Five Millions, each, eh ?

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. Couldn't think of it. We must have a Fleet of
some sort, you know.

Lord R. Ch-rch-ll [discontentedly). Then that subject will have
to be shelved, too, I suppose. You don't mind, at any rate, a clean
sweep being made of the present Admiralty and Ordnance officials, eh ?

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n [heartily). Not a bit. No broom you can use
will be too hard for them. They'll make it a dirty sweep before
you've done. Then there's Local Government, of oourse.

Lord R. Ch-rch-ll. Readjustment of Taxation.

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. Disestablishm-

LordR. Ch-rch-ll. Eh? what?

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n [calmly). Don't he alarmed. We '11 shelve that
too, if you like.

Lord R. Ch-rch-ll [relieved). By all means. [With growing
uneasiness.) But then, I say, after all, what is our programme ?
How does it differ from Salisbury's, for instance"?

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n [ingeniously). Oh, it's far more really Conser-
vative than his, you know.

Lord R. Ch-rch-ll. Yes—[encouraged)—I see. Of course it is.
And how does it differ from Gladstone's ?

Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. Gladstone's? Oh, well—er—it's more really
and truly Liberal than his !

Lord R. Ch-rch-ll [ruminating). That sounds all right. The
question is, will the country believe it ? And if we have to shelve
so many questions in order to form our new National Party, shan't
we run a risk of being shelved ourselves when the next "wave of
progress " sweeps over the Constituencies ? [Left ruminating.

WORTH MENTIONING.

"Westgate-on-Sea." Mr. Punch takes off his coat and west-
gate in this hot weather to correct a slight misquotation. Mr. Punch
is represented as saying that none of the greatest Composers ever
produced an air to equal "the exhilarating, recuperating air" of
Westgate-on-Sea. Now Mr. Punch, when he wrote this (July 2),
did not limit this lovely air to one particular spot, but described it as
" the exhilarating, recuperating air of the Isle of Thanet." That
Westgate is in Thanet is true, but the advertiser poetically uses the
part for the whole, thereby omitting Birchington, Margate, Broad-
stairs, not to mention the inland villages (delightful in the fall of
the year), and above all Ramsgate, which is not Mr. Punch's "sea-
side resort," as is Westgate when he wants a northerly breeze, but
Mr. Punch's sea-side Residence, where ten-twelfths of the year are
delightful, where sky and sea come out in Mediterranean colour,—
where it is Nice without its cold-catching dangers, where fruit and
vegetables are flavoursome and plentiful, and where there is even
more than a fair share of that exhilarating, recuperating air, of
which the Isle of .Thanet has the sole patent.

In one hour and forty minutes, the L. C. & D. takes the traveller
from Town to Westgate, and in two hours to Ramsgate, by Granville
Express from Victoria and Holborn Viaduct. On Sunday morning,
starting at 10'30 a.m., the Jaded One can be down for lunch at
Ramsgate by 12-30, and all ths day before him.

A propos of the Granville Express, Mr. Punch had the pleasure
of dining at the Granville Hotel the other evening, and a better
dinner, better chosen, cooked, and served, could not be got anywhere
in London, or out of it. The proprietor, Mr. Quatermain East,
may_ not wish this to be generally known, but Mr. Punch, who
specially compliments the chef on his clear turtle and whitebait,
thinks that he shall be doing a service to everybody by not keeping
secret the story of this Quatermain—not Mr. Rider Haggard's
" Allan,"—who means to remain the " 0 in the corner " of the Isle of
Thanet. " Q. E. D." and "D " stands for " Dinner."