Punch (93.1887)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

205

THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.

Feost an Intending Emigbant.

Liverpool, Saturday Noon.

eab Toby,

Mt boat is on the shore,
And my bark is on the sea,
But before I go, To-bee,
I will write a line to thee.
I am here to join the bark
aforesaid, which will pre-
sently convey Joseph and
his fortunes to the United
States. As far as one can
judge from the Press news
telegraphed here, the re-
ception that awaits me is
not very cordial. I have
all my life been conscious
of a tendency to rub people
down the wrong way.
Unhappily the conscious-
ness is borne in upon me
°nly after the evil is effected. No succession of experience has effect
Won my conduct. Habtlngton and I are pretty good friends now,
Dnt I daresay you will remember the night, now a dozen years dead,
when I rose from a seat below the Gangway in the House of Commons
jV10-, amid frantic cheers from the little Radical Party of which I was
Inen a humble ornament, denounced him as " late the Leader of the
wberal Party." The Markiss is now my friend and ally, and I might
jxtoost say Patron. The time is too short for me to recall a tithe of
£ ? nasty things I have said about him and others who toil not,
in+Jr61 ^° ^aey sp*n" With- Gladstone the process is reversed, but
jn the end is much the same. I began by adulating him, and now

one can say that that is my precise attitude towards him.
ain lS awre or less weH as far as individuals are concerned. But I
I™ afraid I put my foot in it when, in defiance of historic warning,
Hp tct^ an indictment against a whole nation. Going out to the
„ ? World on a mission of peace, I began by aggravating Canada
*na setting up the back of the United States.. When I reflect how
y it would have been for me to say nothing, I stand amazed at
th °yn indiscretion. The only recompense I find in the situation is
dori °.rin of the Markiss and his friends. They thought they had
of p a n*oe stroke of policy in engaging me on this business. It is,
sho urse' not a new procedure. If I were still on the other side, I
Con1 tal£e delightin showing that herein, as in the matter of the
the Kenf10n w^ France just completed, they have taken a leaf out of
Win ■ °* *heir political opponents, and re-issued it with their own
to Pritnatur. The last time a Commissioner was sent out from England
tlac SOn VTl^1 *be United States, Gladstone was in the Markiss's
excill an(* ^e seleoted Stafford Nobthcote as the agent. It was an
scar ?n jdevice, tying in advance the hands of the enemy, who could
of th •y Enounce a policy for the initiation and direction of which one
betw ^ Principal men was chiefly responsible. But what a difference
iart-6'611 .^TA:KpOEi> Nobthcote and me!—a difference which the
Well *s already beginning to realise. The proposal suited me
wjje en°ngh. It would take me away from the country at a time
versv ^-JfP^sence here only involves me in embarrassing contro-
Trea* Moreover, if I made a great hit, and insured a successful
the ti ^ W011ld Pave the way for my return to my old position in
wonir r esteeni. As for the Markiss, my acceptance of the work
a fiecure for him an ally on the Opposition benches in the event

v<tt. xcm. i

of future debate farising out fof the' Treaty, and would draw into
close, personal union with his Party what only natural modesty pre-
vents me from alluding to as a formidable antagonist. That was the
little game; and for the sake of saying something bitter, under the
temptation to gird at an adversary that had affronted, me, I hope-
lessly spoiled it.

Writing to you, cher Toby, in the confidence of friendly corre-
spondence (I suppose your letters are not opened at the Post Office,
Barkshire not being an Irish county) I will confess that I really
could not help it. It is not that I do not know better, but my
temper is perhaps a little peculiar. I am essentially a fighting-man.
If any one bites his thumb at me. I will know the reason why, and
no considerations of what is politic will prevent me from returning
a blow. I know that some people think I'm almost to be pitied
because (as they put it) I have hopelessly thrown away a position
which no one but myself could have destroyed. They think I am
politically done for. We shall see. However it be, I shall not forget
the wild joy of battle that the events of the past year have purchased
for me. I like it best with my back to the wall in the House of
Commons, when my old friends jeer and howl at me, and the rap-
turous cheers of the Conservatives testify their pleasure at seeing me
of all men playing their game—as they think. I confess things at
the moment are not from any point of view very bright. But I can
afford to wait, strong in the assurance that I can do better without
the Liberal Party than the Liberal Party can do without me. They
call me a Dissentient, which reminds me of a story I once heard
about an aboriginal resident in the great country whither I am now
hastening. A red man was found wandering in the depths of the
forest with signs of perturbation manifest beneath his manfully
calm exterior. " Are you lost ? " he was asked. " No," he answered,
"me no lost. Me here. Wigwam lost." It is not I that am a
Dissentient Liberal; it is the Liberal Party that is the Dissentient.

Now here is the Mayor come to say that luncheon's ready, and so,
dropping into poetry again, I will say good-bye, With a sigh to those
who love me, And a smile to those who hate, And, whatever sky's
above me, Here's a heart for every fate. Tour faithfully,

J. Ch-mb-bl-n.

BOUNTIES TO FOREIGNERS.

First Passenger {in Underground Railway). We're suoh a fright-
fully insular nation I Ignorant, exclusive, say-nothing-to-nobody
sort of people! Think there's nothing beyond Straits of Dover—or
Atlantic Ocean.

Second Ditto {agreeing out of politeness). Horrible P By the bye,
that's a nice picture of the Paris Hippodrome, isn't it?

First Passenger {indifferently). Is it? But, as I was saying,
insularity is our-

Second Ditto [startled). Hullo ! By Jove !—no, it can't be true !
Yes, it is—here's an English newspaper taken to giving a column, a
whole column, of French news in French ! {Humorously.) Very
insular, isn't it ?

First Passenger {not understanding the point). Very. And, as I
was saying, it's our besetting.sin. We hide our heads like ostriches,
and refuse to recognise the existence of foreigners. Then what does
this insularity mean ? It means we 're isolated—cut off from Europe
—hated by everybody.

Second Ditto {roused at last). I don't know what you call being
insular and isolated. French Plays are on at a London Theatre. An
Italian Exhibition's coming to Earl's Court. We get our music from
Germany, our singers from Italy, and our butter and eggs from
Belgium and Brittany; and, on the whole, don't you think London's
about the most Cosmopolitan Capital to be found anywhere ? Ah,
here's my Station. Good morning!

[Jumps out in time to escape indignant retort. Exit.

Magazines in Bulk.—It is as impossible to "sample" a magazine
by a monthly number as it is to estimate the quality of a wine by the
glass. If you take a bottle you know something about it. Thus
when we see the English Illustrated in volume we are fully able to
estimate its worth. The present volume is in every way equal to its
predecessors. Volume Fourteen of St. Nicholas is one of those eood
gifts that Brother Jonathan sends us. It is a delightful collection
of child-poems, child-pictures, and child-lore. The editor Miss
Mary Mapes Dodge knows full well how difficult it is to'please
those keen critics, the children, but she has " dodged " it.

The Mac battenbebg.-ilfr. Punch is delighted to hear that
mother and child are doing well and congratulates the Infant
Princess on being the first of the Royal Family to be born in Scot-
land since 1600. Could not the next be born in Ireland? "The
O'Battenbebg," would be a splendid title.

Latest feom Lichfield.—Dr. Johnson loved "a good hater."
He ought to have flourished next year—Hatey-hate ! Ha! ha!!