DOI Heft:
August 20, 1887
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17658#0079
August 20, 1887.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVAPJ.
73
THE PLEASANT TRAVELLER'S CONVERSATION-BOOK.
(To be translated into French, German, and Italian, for the benefit of
Foreigners.)
In the Tbain.
Continental Railways are disgracefully mismanaged.
This train does not travel at any-
thing like the rate of our expresses.
The " Flying Scotchman " travels at
50, 100, or 150 {according to fancy)
miles the hour.
I object to smoking ; also wish all
the windows to he opened or closed {as
the case may be).
The foreign buffet does not equal
our refreshment-rooms.
A plate of soup, half a roast fowl,
and mashed potatoes cannot compare
with what we call in England a "ham
sandwich."
I ohject to the lamp being shaded,
or insist upon the lamp being shaded
{according to pleasure).
Why are we stopping here ? "Why are we not stopping here ?
It is disgraceful that we should stop here. It is disgraceful that
We should not stop here.
If this occurs again, I shall write to the papers.
At the Station.
Why must I go here ? "Why may I not go here ?
I insist upon going where I please.
I refuse to answer, as an impertinent question, " what I have to
declare."
I object to opening that trunk, that portmanteau, and that
hat-box,
_ It is insolent to accuse me of smuggling. "Where is the Chief of
Police ?
Have there been any orders to treat my luggage in this manner P
I complain that, as you have passed my boxes without examina-
tion, that I should have ever been asked for my keys.
I will not take this omnibus, nor this fly, nor this cart.
Ido not want to patronise any hotel.
Why do you not put my luggage on that carriage ?
I had a right to say I would take no conveyance—as a matter of
fact, I knew I should be swindled.
Now do make haste, and do what I ask, or I shall report you to
the Station Master.
_ No, I shall give you" nothing—it is contrary to the Bye-laws in
England.
At the Hotel.
I object to this room, because it is on the ground, first, or upper
floors {according to taste).
I do not like the price paid for the table d'hote.
I object to the bed-curtains—why are there no bed-curtains ?
I will not pay for service—service should he charged.
,iour prices are extortionate. I shall be careful to warn all my
"lends against coming to this hotel.
•Don't be impertinent.
En Route.
This scenery is disappointing.
Ihe water-fall is over-rated and the ruin a fraud.
Iwill not take off my wide-awake in this Cathedral.
Why cannot I look at the altar during the celebration of Service ?
+1, ve seen mllch better things in a ninth-rate town in England
than I find in this Museum.
I consider the whole tour not worth the candle.
It is infamous that I should have been induced by false pretenoes
to come abroad.
iou can easily imagine how I must be missed at home.
Land Measure.
it ^V"' ^E8SE Collings supports the Government Allotments Bill, although
only holds forth a prospect of one acre, and no cow.]
Jesse content with Salisbury's gift ? How odd!
One acre only, and of cows a lack !
Pooh! Jesse takes this " acre " as a " rod "—
For faithless Gladstone's back.
The Question oe the Hour.—The Government have been given
^ good inch (of coercive power). Will they take a (National)
■League p
"WELSH FOR THE "WELSH.
Me. Punch by some accident was unable to be present at the
"Eisteddfod Genhedlaethol y Cymry," and therefore could not take
part in the competitions at the Albert Hall. For the sake of the
other bards he is glad, as he feels sure that had he sung his own little
composition he would have been hailed at once " Pencerd Gwalia "
" Mynorydd" and " Owen Dyfed," rolled into one. However that
the World may not suffer by his unselfishness, he publishes his
Anerchiaudau ir Llywydd (Poetical Address to the President), which
he would have sung to an accompaniment of a hundred, harps. As it
is short, he gives it in full:—
Y Moewynig Gwxntoedd.
Hi ddiddleth di ddiddleth ghist.katte haw di fiddleth,
Ac kowwe pob gofid y munne,
Fel Uiddell doggggg rawd di see glap spwwt,
Ond di pplatt gofid rhosyn di ssspnnn
Fy mam, fly man,
O pale ale man am di fly man!
PEIVILEGED PISTOLS.
; The Chancellor oe the Exchequer, it is rumoured, a few days
since, received a deputation of schoolboys home for the holidays,
and other young gentlemen delegated to him with a petition that he
would propose a bill for the repeal of the duty now demanded for
permission to carry a gun.
The foreboy of the memorialists, Master Smithers, in an address
premised with " Please Sir," informed the Right Honourable Gentle-
man of the object of their application. He, and those other fellows,
considered the gun-tax an awfully hard impost, he might say im-
position—out of school-hours. It denied them a recreation they
particularly wanted to enjoy in the holidays, namely, shooting, which,
was fun for them as good as for Members of Parliament. Snooting
was shooting, whether you shot sparrows or grouse. But ten hob
duty was more than poor fellows could afford.
Jackson, Junior, asked why, if the tax on firearms was intended
to prevent a chap from carrying a gun, it wasn't charged just the
same upon pistols ? You couldn't look into a daily
paper hardly without seeing an account of a murder
committed, or somebody or other shot, or shooting
himself by accident, with a revolver, or the revolver
Kevolvers g°mS °fi on its own accord, and killing its owner or
someone else. Cads and roughs almost all of them
carried revolvers, and so it was that burglars went about shooting
policemen. If every revolver had to be loaded with a licence, or the
firearm-duty were enforced for all firearms, it would save no end of
lives. But if that didn't signify, and everybody was to be free to
carry a revolver, what use was there in what you might call fining a
fellow for leave to carry a gun ?
The Chancellor of the Exchequer said that his young friends
appeared to him to have made out a very good case, not so much for
the repeal of the gun-duty as for its extension, if necessary, or at
any rate its enforcement, as regarded revolvers, upon which the
existing duty might require to be increased to an amount which
would effectually limit the possession of those dangerous weapons.
Meantime he would consult his colleagues, who, he was assured,
would give this question their most serious consideration.
The young gentlemen then gave three groans for the Chancellor
of the Exchequer, and bolted. _
THE MARBLE ARCH.
{A Song for the Season.)
"Can nothing be done for the Marble Arch? . . . London soot-flakes
have dealt cruelly with a surface admirably calculated to receive them."—
Fall Mall Gazette.
Air—" I Dreamt tluit I Dwelt in Marble Sails."
I dreamt that I gazed at the Marble Arch,
King Fog and King Coal at my side,
The soot of November, the dust-storms of March
Had made it a sight to deride.
I said all the foreigners think, I '11 be bound,
To our City this thing is a shame ;
But I guess 'twill be found, when next Season comes round,
Thai its state is much the same.
It does want a wash, there's no doubt about that,
For the marble_'s a dull, dirty brown;
That is, where it isn't as black as your hat_
CanH they clean it while Swelldom's from Town ?
Marble ? Deft Tadema, I will he bound,
Would say 'tis not worthy the name;
But I'd wager a pound, when next Season comes round,
We shall find it still the same.
vol, xoxn,
73
THE PLEASANT TRAVELLER'S CONVERSATION-BOOK.
(To be translated into French, German, and Italian, for the benefit of
Foreigners.)
In the Tbain.
Continental Railways are disgracefully mismanaged.
This train does not travel at any-
thing like the rate of our expresses.
The " Flying Scotchman " travels at
50, 100, or 150 {according to fancy)
miles the hour.
I object to smoking ; also wish all
the windows to he opened or closed {as
the case may be).
The foreign buffet does not equal
our refreshment-rooms.
A plate of soup, half a roast fowl,
and mashed potatoes cannot compare
with what we call in England a "ham
sandwich."
I ohject to the lamp being shaded,
or insist upon the lamp being shaded
{according to pleasure).
Why are we stopping here ? "Why are we not stopping here ?
It is disgraceful that we should stop here. It is disgraceful that
We should not stop here.
If this occurs again, I shall write to the papers.
At the Station.
Why must I go here ? "Why may I not go here ?
I insist upon going where I please.
I refuse to answer, as an impertinent question, " what I have to
declare."
I object to opening that trunk, that portmanteau, and that
hat-box,
_ It is insolent to accuse me of smuggling. "Where is the Chief of
Police ?
Have there been any orders to treat my luggage in this manner P
I complain that, as you have passed my boxes without examina-
tion, that I should have ever been asked for my keys.
I will not take this omnibus, nor this fly, nor this cart.
Ido not want to patronise any hotel.
Why do you not put my luggage on that carriage ?
I had a right to say I would take no conveyance—as a matter of
fact, I knew I should be swindled.
Now do make haste, and do what I ask, or I shall report you to
the Station Master.
_ No, I shall give you" nothing—it is contrary to the Bye-laws in
England.
At the Hotel.
I object to this room, because it is on the ground, first, or upper
floors {according to taste).
I do not like the price paid for the table d'hote.
I object to the bed-curtains—why are there no bed-curtains ?
I will not pay for service—service should he charged.
,iour prices are extortionate. I shall be careful to warn all my
"lends against coming to this hotel.
•Don't be impertinent.
En Route.
This scenery is disappointing.
Ihe water-fall is over-rated and the ruin a fraud.
Iwill not take off my wide-awake in this Cathedral.
Why cannot I look at the altar during the celebration of Service ?
+1, ve seen mllch better things in a ninth-rate town in England
than I find in this Museum.
I consider the whole tour not worth the candle.
It is infamous that I should have been induced by false pretenoes
to come abroad.
iou can easily imagine how I must be missed at home.
Land Measure.
it ^V"' ^E8SE Collings supports the Government Allotments Bill, although
only holds forth a prospect of one acre, and no cow.]
Jesse content with Salisbury's gift ? How odd!
One acre only, and of cows a lack !
Pooh! Jesse takes this " acre " as a " rod "—
For faithless Gladstone's back.
The Question oe the Hour.—The Government have been given
^ good inch (of coercive power). Will they take a (National)
■League p
"WELSH FOR THE "WELSH.
Me. Punch by some accident was unable to be present at the
"Eisteddfod Genhedlaethol y Cymry," and therefore could not take
part in the competitions at the Albert Hall. For the sake of the
other bards he is glad, as he feels sure that had he sung his own little
composition he would have been hailed at once " Pencerd Gwalia "
" Mynorydd" and " Owen Dyfed," rolled into one. However that
the World may not suffer by his unselfishness, he publishes his
Anerchiaudau ir Llywydd (Poetical Address to the President), which
he would have sung to an accompaniment of a hundred, harps. As it
is short, he gives it in full:—
Y Moewynig Gwxntoedd.
Hi ddiddleth di ddiddleth ghist.katte haw di fiddleth,
Ac kowwe pob gofid y munne,
Fel Uiddell doggggg rawd di see glap spwwt,
Ond di pplatt gofid rhosyn di ssspnnn
Fy mam, fly man,
O pale ale man am di fly man!
PEIVILEGED PISTOLS.
; The Chancellor oe the Exchequer, it is rumoured, a few days
since, received a deputation of schoolboys home for the holidays,
and other young gentlemen delegated to him with a petition that he
would propose a bill for the repeal of the duty now demanded for
permission to carry a gun.
The foreboy of the memorialists, Master Smithers, in an address
premised with " Please Sir," informed the Right Honourable Gentle-
man of the object of their application. He, and those other fellows,
considered the gun-tax an awfully hard impost, he might say im-
position—out of school-hours. It denied them a recreation they
particularly wanted to enjoy in the holidays, namely, shooting, which,
was fun for them as good as for Members of Parliament. Snooting
was shooting, whether you shot sparrows or grouse. But ten hob
duty was more than poor fellows could afford.
Jackson, Junior, asked why, if the tax on firearms was intended
to prevent a chap from carrying a gun, it wasn't charged just the
same upon pistols ? You couldn't look into a daily
paper hardly without seeing an account of a murder
committed, or somebody or other shot, or shooting
himself by accident, with a revolver, or the revolver
Kevolvers g°mS °fi on its own accord, and killing its owner or
someone else. Cads and roughs almost all of them
carried revolvers, and so it was that burglars went about shooting
policemen. If every revolver had to be loaded with a licence, or the
firearm-duty were enforced for all firearms, it would save no end of
lives. But if that didn't signify, and everybody was to be free to
carry a revolver, what use was there in what you might call fining a
fellow for leave to carry a gun ?
The Chancellor of the Exchequer said that his young friends
appeared to him to have made out a very good case, not so much for
the repeal of the gun-duty as for its extension, if necessary, or at
any rate its enforcement, as regarded revolvers, upon which the
existing duty might require to be increased to an amount which
would effectually limit the possession of those dangerous weapons.
Meantime he would consult his colleagues, who, he was assured,
would give this question their most serious consideration.
The young gentlemen then gave three groans for the Chancellor
of the Exchequer, and bolted. _
THE MARBLE ARCH.
{A Song for the Season.)
"Can nothing be done for the Marble Arch? . . . London soot-flakes
have dealt cruelly with a surface admirably calculated to receive them."—
Fall Mall Gazette.
Air—" I Dreamt tluit I Dwelt in Marble Sails."
I dreamt that I gazed at the Marble Arch,
King Fog and King Coal at my side,
The soot of November, the dust-storms of March
Had made it a sight to deride.
I said all the foreigners think, I '11 be bound,
To our City this thing is a shame ;
But I guess 'twill be found, when next Season comes round,
Thai its state is much the same.
It does want a wash, there's no doubt about that,
For the marble_'s a dull, dirty brown;
That is, where it isn't as black as your hat_
CanH they clean it while Swelldom's from Town ?
Marble ? Deft Tadema, I will he bound,
Would say 'tis not worthy the name;
But I'd wager a pound, when next Season comes round,
We shall find it still the same.
vol, xoxn,