Punch (93.1887)

November 26, 1887.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAKIVAPJ.

241

PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT.

A Recollection of the Long Vacation.

During the Long Vacation (now happily over) I have heen present
at'my chambers a great deal more frequently than some of the men
with whom I share my rooms. In fact, I may say that I have heen
constantly the sole occupant of the entire set. Chuckbob, the well-
known authority on International Law,
has spmt September and October in
the Highlands, and my other friends
have heen on the Continent. Even
Portistgton, my excellent and admir-
able clerk, has taken a fortnight's rest
at Eastend-on-Mud (a pleasant water-
ing-place not many miles from Town),
where I fancy he spent his well-earned
holiday in trying to get up a libel action
against the Sanitary Board. It is just
to say that my presence at Pump-
Handle Court has not been entirely
necessitated by my forensic labours.
The fact is, that Jowler, a very dear
friendof mine, who has some mysterious
supervisorship (sanctionedbyan eccen-
tric will) over an Institution connected
with the Vegetarian Movement, was
recently called away, by his duties as
a trustee, to Australia, to look after a
number of sheep somehow affected and inconvenienced by the increase
of^rabbits in that favourite colony. Being thus for a season expa-
tiated, he asked me to look after the Institution connected with the
Vegetarian Movement, in his place during his absence. _

11 You will really find the work simple enough," he said on bidding
rae farewell. " Tou hold my power of attorney, and all you have to
do is not to quarrel with the Committee of Inspection, who, as you
know, can play the very dickens with us."

But what have the Committee of Inspection to do with the
place ? " I asked rather anxiously, as I never like to accept respon-
ii Jty'' 60 *° 8Peak, with my eyes blindfolded.
Oh, you will soon find out," replied Jowler. " You will pick it
UP as you go along. I shall soon be back—perhaps in six months."

.-The Institution connected with the Vegetarian Movement was
within easy distance of my chambers, so I came to the conclusion
that I could combine the vague superintendence it apparently re-
quired with my ordinary legal engagements. I found, on a visit to
the Institution about a fortnight after Jowler had left, that all
seemed to be right, and the head employe assured me that if my
services were needed, he would send round to me.

'Fortunately since Mr. Jowler" s departure, Sir," said the head
employe, " we have seen nothing of the Committee of Inspection."

He lowered his voice to a tone of the deepest awe as he spoke of
'he mysterious body.

I am very glad to have seen you, Sir," he continued ; "the fact
is> there may he a number of things I should like to consult you

.'niand 1 waa lotn to worry ynu-"

Oh, not in the least," I replied, airily ; " consult me at any time;
njv too glad to give you every assistance in my power."
, Upon this, I took my leave, saying as I did, to show that I really
what I was about, that whoever had broken the hall-lamp,
wrnoh I noticed was damaged, should have been made to pay for it.
st t m^ return to my chambers, I found Portington in a great
tate of excitement. He had actually got a brief for me! A real
t let marked with a real fee and endorsed by a real firm of Solicitors!
pWas actually retained! Mordaunt Jones, Brown and Snobkins !
(BPS the best firm in the profession! I was delighted \
roBTiNGTON," I observed when I had regained sufficient control
ver my feelings to speak calmly, " I do not think you will find the
Barnes in my fee-book?"

q 1 fancy not, Sir," replied Portington ; "they wanted Mr.
^jpCEBOB, only I said he was in Scotland, and persuaded—I mean
instead"1 y°U W6re wou^ ^e g*ad to *0°k thx^gh the papers

Thank you, Portington," I answered, as I took the bundle into
kif0^a special room; "thank you, if they come for them, let me

too-Pertainlv, Sir ; Mordaunt Jones, Brown and Snobkins seemed

^ anxious to have 1hem back."
into aCe >ne 1 undid the tape and found the matter resolved itself
shelf ""j8' delicate point of international usage. I went to my book-
^aritia nunted for authorities, and was soon deep in Mexican
a shii) 1 ^aw. I was searching in its statutes for one dealing with
disturh jetained hy stress of weather in quarantine, when I (Was
In&fcitiit ky Portington ushering in the head employe from the
" v n connected with the Vegetarian Movement.

sorry, Sir," said my visitor, " but we are in sad distress.

voi. xcm. 1

We have just received twelve dozen cases of ginger-beer, when the
Committee of Inspection particularly ordered that only soda-water
should be supplied, and I really don't know what we shall do."

" Can they not be exchanged for the required liquid ? " I asked,
looking up from my work, a trine annoyed at the interruption.

" I am afraid that is impossible, Sir. You see that the Committee
of Inspection are so opposed to any alteration of procedure."

"Well, well, you must do the best you can," I replied. "You
see I am very much engaged at this moment."

The chief employe, seeming greatly surprised at my lack of excite-
ment, bowed, and withdrew. I was once more deep in my Mexican
Maritime Law, when Portington put in his head.

"Suppose that opinion isn't ready yet, Sir? Mordat/nt,
Brown, Jones and Snobkins are waiting for it."

"Ready directly. My compliments, and they can call for it in
half an hour."

I had just got to the point where I thought I began to comprehend
the Mexican method of dealing with a fraudulent bill of lading,
when I was again interrupted. A small boy forced himself in.

"Please you are to come round at once. The chess-boards are out
of order, and want mending, and there is something wrong with the
lift, between the kitchen and the dining-room, and-"

"You had no right to intrude, sirrah!" I exclaimed, with
haughty impatience. " Begone! "

Murmuring something about the Committee of Inspection, "kicking
up a shindy " the urchin withdrew. Again I dived into Mexican Mari-
time Law. and nearly got hold of the rules g overning a sale of cargo for
the benefit of ship-repairs. I had jotted down a line or two upon the
brief-paper before me, when the door was again thrown open, and
a gentleman of immense presence entered.

" I believe' you are Mr. Jowler's substitute ? " he began, without
removing his hat. I inclined my head and made a gesture with my
pen which was intended to convey to him the joint ideas that he was
to take a chair and not to disturb me until I was less preoccupied.
He ignored my dumb-show. "And that being the case, it is my
duty to call your attention to the unsatisfactory condition of the
chimney-pots of your Institution, and to mention the fact that a
pane of glass in the pantry has been broken, and is still un-
repaired."

" Really," I replied, " I am exceedingly busy with a matter of the
greatest importance, and I must ask you to be so very kind as to call
again on an occasion when my time is more my own."

The gentleman rose with an air of astonishment so profound that
it nearly approached an aspect of absolute terror. He gasped for a
moment, and then asked, in a bone-freezing whisper—

"Do you understand that I am a Member of the Committee of
Inspection ? "

"I_ shall be delighted to make your acquaintance on some future
occasion," I replied, with that easy courtesy that I hope is one of
my characteristics, and I opened the door for him to pass out.

He got up and with the same expression of profound astonishment
left my chambers.. Once more I dived into Mexican Maritime Law
and was only disturbed by a letter sent by hand from the Institution
which I did not open, but threw carelessly on the desk before me.
I had just got to the last point in my opinion when the door was
again dashed open and Jowler himself rushed in.

" Why, my dear fellow,-" I began.

"No time to explain," he cried. "Australian visit deferred.
Presentiment of evil. Come back. What about the.Institution ? "'
I gave an account of my stewardship.

" And this is a letter I got a few minutes ago," I said, when I had
finished my story, handing the document to my friend who hurriedly
opened it.

" Good gracious! " he exclaimed, "why it is from a Member of
the Committee of Inspection complaining of the hall-lamp! Oh!
what have you been doing ? "

"They are all there, Sir!" cried the urchin, returning at the
moment out of breath from running, "and there's a nice row
at the Institution! "

"What the Committee of Inspection!" exclaimed Jowler seizins
his hat, "Oh, what have you been doing? Why the place'will be
ruined ! " And he hurried off followed by the urchin.

The next morning I got a letter from Jowlee, say in"- that he
would never forgive me, as, by my " want of tact with the Committee
of Inspection, I had ruined a widow and hve small children " and to
make matters worse, I have been subsf quently informed, in a satirical
communication signed Mordatjnt Brown, Jones and Snobkins "
that my opinion is not one they can conscientiously adopt with-
out further advice, [ as my knowledge of Mexican Law seems to be
oi a superficial description."

It is a painful experience, and none the less painful because I have
to add it to a number of experiences of a not entirely dissimilar
character.

A. Briefless, Junior.

'The Grand Old Man" is December.—Father Christma*