Punch (93.1887)

July 23, 1887.]

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI.

25

MR. PUNCH'S MANUAL FOR YOUNG RECITERS.

■No Amateur Reciter can consider himself fully equipped for the Drawing-
TArm °r ^at*'orm nnles3 he is furnished with at least one poem in dialect, and
Air. Punch has accordingly commissioned from his Poet a recitation, couched in
the well-known vernacular of Loompshire. Loompshire, it need "hardly be
explained, is the county where most of the stage-rustics come from. The author
°i this little poem ventures to hope that philologists will find much deserving
oi careful study in some of the local expressions and provincialisms, while
™ can guarantee their entire authenticity, as they are mostly of his own
invention. The phraseology is strictly copyright and must not be infringed,
except by a dignitary of archiepiscopal rank for a charitable purpose. As for
we piece itself, it is founded on a little anecdote related to the poet, which he
Believes has not hitherto seen the light in a metrical form. It has a good old-
lashioned double title, viz :—

Michaelmas Day ; oe, How Tammas Pattle veey nearly Cooked his Goose.

Begin by explaining the situation, thus:—" This is supposed to be spoken by
a-LjOpmpshire cottager, who overhears a stranger admiring the goodly proportions
°* his goose,"—then startwith as broad a drawl as you can assume. Remember
"tot to be effective you must be unintelligible.

"Bewty," I 'ears ya carl her p—aye, ya niver spooke truth-
fuller wurred!

Rammack t' coontry side oner, an ya weant see no foiner
burred!

Passon he axed ma to sell her—but I towld him, " Beiint o'
naw use—

She's as mooch of a Chris'en as moast," I sez, "if

she's nobbut a guse! "
Coom, then! (This coaxingly, to an imaginary bird
—be careful not to seem to make any invidious
distinctions among your audience.) . . . Naay.
but she wunna 1 she's gotten a wull of her oan!
Loook at the heye of her,—pink an' gree'y, loike

t'fire in a hopal stoiin!
Howsiver she sims sa hinnercent-loike, she's a fol-

lerin' arl I saay;
An' I boart 'er at Kettleby Fear, I did, two iyear

coom Cannelmas Daay.
Araminta her neame is—but I carls 'er " Minty,"
fur shoart,

ne weant naw moor nor a goslin' o' coorse, what tai'me she wur boart:
An't knawed she 'd tnrn °°t a rare 'un> to jedge by her weeight an' feal,
jtt J- reckoned to fat her by Michaelmas Eve, ef I buzzled 'er oop wi meal,
Wn + ^en ya'^ ar^ly behave ma—but she unnerstood fra' the fust,

"hat wur hexpected of 'er, {with a senile chuckle,) I thowt that burr'd 'ud ha'

Cr i?ust!

p atn her, a' did! but she swuckered it doon, wi' niver a weasted drop,
An' v?6 *n&t ^interest in it as she'd ruther ha' choaked nor stop !
ct? she'd foiler wheeriver a went—till I hedn't naw peace fur t' foak,
An' T6'j 6 1'AitMT l°ng °f his sweetart! " wur hallus the village joak!

^d saay: " 'Tis ma Michaelmas denner Pm squirin' aboot, owd ohap ! "
Djj ^inty she'd stan' up a' tiptoe, an' fluther her neck, an' flap 1
Ijj r aPPen to gaw of a hevenin, to loook at ma hinion patch p
Cook? v coom ^ ^od-S o' mea, an' rarstle aboot, an' scratch,
''WuiV+£er ^e^e a^ ^e bed °' saa£e> w^n a kink as mooch as to saiiy:
Or 8rr) j ?aage an' th' hinions be ready fur mea, by toime I be ready for thee'y p"
X^n JL d snifter at arl the windfalls as ligged i' the horchard graiiss,
An.' T vf w/tot she wur erfter, a did—she wur piokin' 'em oot for the saass 1
(Tenj i °?, ma ands fur to see her a ploddlin' across th' roard,
Maain >"I Thee'U mak'a denaer-ma Pratty," I 'dsaiiy to her, " fit fur a loard!"

Her mU .00°lky she wur as Michaelmas week coom nigh,
I knaVed 1,V6r n°fc ^ulge naw biff£er'"-1 8(5Z' " an Blle art fur to die ! "

»a T f -~ wur aoiuin soomwneer oy me pasture uuuer v muur,
An' j v?i ^e chopper an' fettled 'im oop—an' I went fur to do 'er! (Grimly.)
" Seeal, PPeo- to Araminty, an' oop she rins with a clack,
But I ] u Te gotten to show 'ee," I sez, (wi' the chopper behind ma back)
An' sn 2. Sa s*'raange arl callow, she knawed I wur meanin' 'er ill,
Then I - ja sidlin' a&' edgin' awaay, an' a gaapin' wi' hopen bill!
"Wbepi ?aaa-e a grab at her sooden—an' she skirtled off to a feald,
CloPpitv9'mre been di?£in' fur nreelaay—eh, but she yellocked an' healed !
An' flin^i0^16 1 chaased h er, sa well as I cud, bein' laame,
(The jP^y-nopper she kep' on ahead—an' a' squawked out " Sbaame! "

the iW • hotter should find little difficulty here in suggesting something of
1 wur ha fna^°W °f a frightened goose: Pause—then continue apologetically.)
(Renin-..} aeheamed o' mysen' I wur, afoor I coom to the hend,

"Ye owd ongreatful guzzard," I thowt, "to gaw killin' ya
Butrnafa?lyJfrielld!"

(More rln WaT a Michaelmas denner tew as I hedn't naw art to refuse!

™orsefully.) An' it maade me seea what a gowk I'd beean to ha' gotten
Sa I daL^i^ with a gnse !

" ^aait till t1 as ^ slummocked on, as ard as ma legs cud stoomp,
r~An I Jr1 gets tha, ma laady! " I sez,—when, arl on a sooden . . . Boomp!
But furT' sPrawlin' an' floppin' in wan of the owd Squire's pits,
■-__J^aayatt' bottom an' that, I mout ha bin brokken to bits !

vol. xcm. 2

An',1 roared fur.'elp.'fur I cudn't git up, an' the watter
wur oop to my chin. [wur in!

But nobbudy eerd ma a' bealin', nor thowt on the hole I
They 'd niver find nawthin but boans, I knawed, if they'd
J~; iver the gumption to dredge,

Then I groaned (impressively)—fur I eerd Aiaminty a

tooklin' 'oop by the edge !
(Sulky sarcasm.) "Wunnerful funny, beiint it?" I sez,

(I wur fealin' fit for to choiik, [the joak!)

To be catehed loike a bee in a bottle—an' see her enjyin'
(Indignantly.) " Hevn't ya naw moor manners," I sez,

11 ya great fat himpident thing ! "
(Pathetically.) Pur I'd bred her oop from a goslin', I

had—and theer wur the sting ! [hoape—
Well, she left ma aloan at laast, an' I hedn't a mossel o'
When by coom Haeey the hedger, an a' hoickt ma oop

with a roape!

" Shudn't ha' heerd 'ee, Tammas," he sez, or knawed

as owt wur t' matter—
Ef it hedn't ha bin fur yon guse o' thine, as coom an

raaised sech a clatter. [hopen shaaft! "

An' drawed ma hon in spite o' mysen—till I moinded the
(Catch your breath, then brokenly.) Aye, Minty wur

sa'avin ma life oop theer—when I wur a thinkin' she

laaft!

Then I rooshed fur to catch her to coodle and gie her a

greatful kiss—
Eh, but I right down bloobered (with pained surprise)—

fur she scatted awaay with a hiss!
" Wean't niver 'urt 'ee agean! " I sez, " if thee'll hoanly

forgit what's past! "
She wur raare an' stiff fur a bit, she wur—but (with a

doddering complacency) I maade her coom round at

last!

An' I had ma Michaelmas denner the saame—an' a arty
good denner he wur ! [her !

Sat down coompany. tew—fur I oudn't ha' done without

What did we maake a meal on? [Shamefaced con-
fusion here, expressed by scratching the head.) Well,
—happen thee '11 think me a haass—

But I '11 t.pll 'ee: (with candour) I dined wi Minty on the
stooffin' an happle saass !

(Retire without ostentation, to have your jaw set at the
nearest Surgeon's.)

Scaecely Wokttt Wijile.—For some personal remarks
on the Prince of Wales, utterly gratuitous and in the
worst possible taste, the P. M. G., as we hear, has been
dropped by the Service Clubs, and subsequently by the
Turf. As a mark of strong disapprobation this was right
enouffh. but if it was intended as a punishment which
would inflict loss, we are inclined to think such boy-
cotting may have had exactly the contrary fffect. How
happy was Thackebay's title " The Pall Mall Gazette
written by gentlemen for gentlemen! " If it is not so
now, what have we got in-stead p

Philosophy at the Popping Crease.

" The glorious uncertainty ? " why, to be sure

That it must be the slowest should see at a glance,
For Cricket, as long as the sport shall endure,

Must be in its nature a mere game of chance.
" 'Tis all pitch and toss ; " one can show it is so ;—

'Tisn't science or strength rules its losses or winnings.
Half depends on the "pitch"—of the wickets, you know,

The rest on the " toss "—for first innings.

" Good Business."—An advertiser in the Daily Chro-
nicle of the 12th inst., has not a bad idea of a fair profit:—

BABY-CARRIAGE Bassinette, unsoiled; 4 rubber-wheels
carriage-springs, reversible hood, handsome ru°- comnletn'
£27 ; cost £i 10s., last month. Mrs. W. "^«e,

If "Mrs. W." has not already obtained her price we
sincerely wish she may get it. She deserves it. '

"The Banceopt School "-On Saturday last Prince
Albeet Yictoe laid the foundation-stone of the new
buildings at Woodford. This sounds promising for the
Theatrical Profession Of course Mr. Bancroft will take
the male pupils, and Mrs. Banceopi will instruct "the
Spindle side."

Saeah B. at the Lyceum, under the management of
M. Mayee. May 'er season be successful!