Punch (93.1887)

December 24, 1887.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

289

THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.

Feom Old Morality.

'' Here comes a young fellow of excellent pith,
Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith."

Henley, Saturday.

ear ToBY, AHOY I

Whebe are you bound?
Haul on the bowline; brace up
amidships; sling your ham-
mock ; belay all hands and
stand by ready to pounce.

Excuse this little outburst.
The fact is, I am about to cut
for awhile landlubber associa-
tions, and am going cruising
in my Pandora's box, or
rather berth. My sea lingo is
getting a little rusty, so I
practise it wherever I have an
opportunity, and thought you
wouldn't mind my making
one with you. I am going off
to spend Christmas and New
Year's time at Pau. You've
heard of Pau, of course? I
was first attracted to the
place by coming across the beautiful line from Goldsmith—or was it Bacon ?

" Or by the lazy Scheldt or wandering Pau."
I'm not at all drawn towards the Scheldt. I never was lazy myself, and have
no sympathy with laziness in others. But it is different with Pau, don't you
know. I have been tied to the desk too long. I had a heavy time of it during
the Parliamentary Session. They used to chaff me about being ' on the pounce.
It is all very well, but the attitude is one which, preserved through successive
nights, becomes exhausting. I have had enough of it, and feel a strong desire
to wander. The Pau is wandering. Why should we not wander together, arm
in arm as it were ? Anyhow, I mean to try. So bear a hand with your lee-
scuppers ; haul round the mainmast, up with your hatches, and keep the helm
hard down on the South-"West-by-East-Half-East. I have pounced enough
on the Parnellites. Now I shall pounce on Pau. ,

I feel the necessity for taking a good rest, for I know we are going to have it
Pretty stiff next Session. B-if-b, who is getting more cocky than ever, goes
about comforting us with assurances that he will make matters smooth. Is
there anyone particular you can't abear?" he said to me only yesterday, with
an annoying air of patronage. "Is there anyone of the Irish Members you
would like put out of the way for the earliest and freshest months of the
Session ? If so, name your man, and I '11 oblige you. I have got six of em
lagged now, and there's a clear six weeks before Parliament meets. It s
amazing how we can Bmooth the way by then."

I don't altogether like this solicitude on the part of B-lf-e for making
smooth water in the House next Session. There is a persistent rumour about
that he thinks he can lead the House better than anyone else, and that the
Markiss is inclined to humour him. He has never said this in private conver-
sation with me, though he has not made any attempt to disguise his conviction
that he could take charge of the Army, the Navy, the Home Office, the Board
°f Trade, or even the Exchequer. Now 1 come to think of it, he may, in talking
to G-sch-n, leave out reference to the Exchequer, and substitute the Leadership
of the House of Commons, and so with the others. I should certainly like to see
him. in my place for a week, with Gb-nd-lph on the corner of the bench behind.
It is true that of late Gb-nd-lph has considerably flattened down. Having found
that impudence and caprice don't pay, he is going in for dulness and respectability.
-°nt I fancy the sight of Abth-e B-if-e leading the House, and trying to lead

him, would be too much. The swept and garnished place
would be reoecupied, and his last state would be worse
than his first. B-lf-e can't very well send him to a
plank bed, and will have to make the best of him.

I rather fancy Gr-nd-lph must know, or think he
knows, something about this little plot for promoting
the nephew, which accounts for his latest impertinence.
" And what title do you mean to take when you go to
the House of Lords, H. W. ?" he asked me the other
day. (He always calls me " H. W." which he thinks is
an improvement upon Dizzy's hesitation as to the
sequence of the initials.) " How would Baron Bookstaix
suit?" he added, trying to look harmless. That only
shows the inherent vulgarity which underlies the thin
veneer of his sometime courtly manner. I never forget
what the Markiss once said about him. " Scratch
R-nd-lph Ch-bch-ll," said he, "and you'll find Tim
H-ly," which I thought at the time was a little hard
on T-m.

You will not, I trust, dear Toby, take it for granted
that I am contemplating a near removal to the House of
Lords, if I confess that I have sometimes thought over
the title I should assume if my duty to my country led
me to change my state. I belong, as you know, to one
of the oldest families among mankind. It's all very
well for Be-ss-y to talk about coming over with the
Conqueror. "We came in with the Flood, or shortly after.
Tubal Cain, the founder of our family, was a century
or two before Bois de Gtjixbeet, Fbont-de-Bceuf, or
even the Sieur de Beesci. What do you think of
Lord Tubal-Cain ? Would you recognise in that stately
and ermined peer, Tubax-Cain, of Henley, your old
friend of 217, Strand ? I wis not. But that, as
Gl-dst-ne says, belongs to the dim and distant future.
I beg to move that the question be now put. Oars!
Steady, there! Pull away!

Yours, sheer off, W. H. Sm-th.

ROSES IN DECEMBER.

Sie,—Strange as it may appear to you, Sir, as a
London playgoer, I had never seen The Two Hoses till
last night. How this " celebrated comedy " ever acquired
its celebrity is, I confess, beyond me, for the plot is poor,
and in the dialogue there is nothing quotable, though
the phrase, "a little cheque," forces itself on one's
memory by frequent iteration. You, Sir, saw it with its
original cast, and I take it that a play of this sort requires
certain surroundings to insure its immediate success, just
as a rich joke, when deprived of its original accidental
accessories, is found to be a very poor joke, or no joke at
all. This play by Mr. Albeey I should have thought
would have been, as Dr. Samuel Johnson might have
said, Al-bery ]d and forgotten long ago. Yet it lives,—
at all events, it has been revived.

A Manager does not revive a piece which was not
originally produced at his theatre without some pretty
good reason for so doing. He must, at least, be fairly
confident of its attractive powers as, at all events, a remu-
nerative stop-gap; and I am informed that this piece has
been revived,_once before, by Mr. Henry Irving at the
Lyceum. This is ancient history to you, Sir. After the
revival, and the unwonted exercise of a long run (did it
have a long run ?), I should have supposed that there
could not have been much life left in it. Yet apparently
there is. The acting is, on the whole, good, and some of
it very good. William Fareen, one of the best of
English players, makes all that is to be made (as it seems
to me, who did not see Mr. Irving) out of Digby Grand.
Mr. Giddens is an excellent blind Caleb (a very clever
actor must be Mr. Giddens), and Mr. David James simply
is " Our Mr. Jenkins." Maude Millett is pretty and
graceful, and the whole entertainment entertaining. But

still, how it ever became a celebrated comedy_

" Well, that I cannot tell," said he
" But t'was a famous Comedy." '

And by crammed houses it is, I hear, being fully appre-
ciated. Indeed, I should only say, judging by this
Criterion on the night I was present, it is in for another
long run. Yours, Little Petebkin.

Shakspeaee Up Again.—A Baconian writes to ask
if there isn't sufficient proof of Shakspeabe's affinity
to Bacon in Ham let alone ?

vol. xcm, c c