Punch (93.1887)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

193

QUITE A LITTLE HOLIDAY.

exteaot from A GRAND OLD DlARY. MONDAY, OCT. 17.

Self, wife, and Herbert started early to escape our kind-hearted,
clear-headed admirers; so early, that I scarcely had time hefore
leaving to write thirty post-cards, seventy-six pages of notes for my
next magazine article, and to cut down half-a-dozen trees. Train

announced to leave Chester at
10'30, but got off at the hour.
This little joke (Watkin's
notion) caused much amusement.
Through opera-glasses we could
see hands of music, deputations,
&c, constantly coming to the
railway-stations to meet our train
after it had passed. Too had!
However, to prevent disappoint-
ment, and as Chamberlain has
been imitating me and vulgarised
my original idea, I knocked off
some speeches, in pencil, and
Herbert threw them out of the
window as fast as I could write
them. So far as we could make
out with a telescope, some of
them reached their destination,
and seemed to be well received.

Awfully pleased to meet Mr.
William Agnew at Manchester.
Odd coincidence of Christian
names. I shall speak of him
and allude to him as The Other
iir. .~^!!!r^„'~', , ,, William." He promised to keep

Master Willie Gladstone "really en-by nd show me all the pic-
joying, and in some measure appre- ' epem*

ciating and understanding," our um^V11 s™mS- „ .
Mr. Agncw's Lectures on Art. „ T'Other WILLIAM," said I,

Vide Times Report, Oct. 18. J™ are very good. As you
. know, I take a great and sincere

toterest in pictures and works of Art, althoush I know very little
about them." T'Other William protested. "No, T'Other William,
1 am right. You have been the means of providing me with a com-
modity most difficult of all others to procure if you do not possess it
Yourself—that is to say, you have provided me with brains."
further protests from T'Other One. " No, T'Other William, hear
me out; for you know in all cases where a judgment has had to be
Passed upon works of Art, I have been accustomed to refer a great
deal to you, and lean upon you, because you,have been constantly the
means of enabling me really to see, and really to enjoy, and in some
measure to appreciate and understand, all that you have shown to me."

I was so pleased with this little speech that I made Herbert take
1' down as I repeated it to him privately when T'Other was looking
in another direction. When I brought it out afterwards, at luncheon
111 the Palm-house, it went wonderfully. So it should, because I felt
every word of it. T'Other William is one of the kindest and most
courteous of my friends.

J- was very pleased with the Exhibition, although perhaps (1 am
n°t certain of this) I might have seen it better had not about
lour thousand visitors followed our little party everywhere, cheering
vociferously. I was consequently obliged to keep my attention most
carefully fixed upon the exhibits, as when I caught any stranger's
eye, the stranger immediately (but with an eagerness that did not
exceed the limits of good behaviour) called upon me to make a speech
wen and there upon the subject of " Home Rule." I am sure 1 should
on each and every occasion have only been too delighted, had not Sir
Andrew warned me not to in dulse too much in _ that sort of thing.
Ane crowd, however, had its decided advantage, inasmuch as we were
earned off our feet everywhere. In this luxurious fashion we were
Satted to Messrs. Docxton's Pottery Manufactory, to Mr. Jesse
fi^'w-orth's loan exhibition of Egyptian antiquities, the name
Jesse" recalled to me the poor misguided Joe's "Jesse," the
econd fiddle, hut toujours fidele, and to a great many other shows
1 almost equal interest.

• ^it of course the feature of the Exhibition was the collection of
W>tures. I was absolutely delighted. T'Other William explained
jjerytning, and amongst other portraits showed me one of myself by
^ttlAis. I imagine that everybody must have thought it very like,

?eause when they observed me inspecting it, they cheered more

jm?T0U8ly tnan ever- For m?part 1 can,t nelp feelin# tnat Sir

thiif • miSnt have done more with the collars. He has not (to my
sW although I confess I may he wrong) put quite enough

arcti m them. This is my own idea, as I did not consult T'Other
Wi?5011 the subject. Great as my reliance is upon him concerning

"r*s of Art> 1 regerye the rie;ht 0f using my own judgment in the

witi, of eoHars. Passing through the galleries I was delighted
___^everything I saw. The only drawback to my pleasure was the

vol. xcm. 8

fact that I was followed (as I have already hinted) by a cheering
crowd, who occasionally, and, no doubt, accidentally, drowned the
voice of my kind Mentor. Under other circumstances I should have
drawn the distinction between the Mentor and the Tor-mentors.
Think this, but don't say it. for instance, when we were standing
in front of " Ramsgate Sands," this is what reached my ears eager
for instruction:—

" ' Ramsgate Sands,'1 by Frith— ('Hooray .n)—who, as you know,
has just written—{'Speech! Speech!' 'Home Rule." 'Three
cheers for Mobley !')—full of anecdotes of all sorts of interesting

people. If you went to Ramsgate now, you would find-(' We

are going to give you another carpet, old man ! ' ' Hooray, hooray,
hooray!' ' Three Cheers for Home Rule !—An extra one for
Manchester !')—and practically the sand-frequenters we are care-
fully examining in this picture are of thirty years ago. (' Speech !
Speech !') You must know-(' Hooray, hooray, hooray.")" ^

And at this period my dear friend was silenced by our being
carried away in an irresistible stream to the Palm-house, where we
took part in an excellent luncheon. Here I delivered my speech,
which I pride myself was first-rate. I called Manchester the
Modern Athens, explaining, however, that no offence was intended
to the capital of Midlothian. Take it all round, then, in spite of the
" exuberant interest" shown in me by my fellow-citizens, I have
had a very pleasant day, thanks chiefly to T'Other William.

A PROGRESSIVE PROGRAMME.

October 25.—Lecture hy amiable Police Magistrate to six hulking
rowdies, who have been assaulting the Police, on the duty of " bear-
ing distress patiently." Tells them " not to do it again," and dis-
misses them with aid from the Poor Box and his blessing. Surprise
of rowdies.

October 26.— Unemployed employ themselves kfsacking portion of
Bond Street, during temporary withdrawal of Police for a little rest.

October 27.—Sitting Alderman at Mansion House gives a Socialist
Deputation some sympathetic and fatherly advice, and recommends
them to "study laws of supply and demand." Invites them to
Lord Mayor's Banquet. Deputation accepts invitation readily, and,
on emerging into street, is chivied down Cheapside by infuriated
moo of other Socialists, who have not received invitations.

October 28.-—New Leaders of Mob (vice Deputation, resigned)
denounce sympathetic Alderman as a " bloated exploiter." Nelson
Monument pulled down. Ten leading tradesmen, in neighbourhood
of Trafalgar Square, unable to do any business, owing to streets
being blocked with rioters, go into bankruptcy.

October 29.—Gathering of " Unemployed " in Westminster Abhey.
Unemployed complain bitterly because chairs have no cushions. The
Dean, conducted to pulpit under strong police escort, preaches very
conciliatory sermon on duty of Upper Classes, all, except Deans, to
give most of what they possess to poor ; advises poor to wait
patiently till they get it. Retires under heavy shower of hymn-
books. Unemployed "remain to prey."

October 30.—Westminster Abbey sacked, in consequence of Dean's
conciliatory sermon. The Canons go off.

November 1.—Mansion House Relief Fund started. Fifty thou-
sand pounds subscribed the first day by leading philanthropists who
have had all their windows broken. Trade paralysed, and numbers
of Unemployed consequently increasing. Speech by celebrated
Statesman, contrasting disorder and lawlessness in Ireland with uni-
versal contentment and order existing in England.

November 2.—Mob helps itself to chief pictures m National
Gallery, on ground that they " belong to the people." Raffle organised
for the Raffaelles. Fifteen policemen have their ribs broken.

November 3.—Whole Police Force disabled by angry mob armed
with bludgeons and revolvers. Sympathetic Alderman at Mansion
House ventures to ask Government if " matters are not really going
a little too far," and is ducked in Thames. All the West-End
shops in-wested by looters. _

November 4.—Prime Minister declares that much as he regrets
the depression of trade and want of employment, yet he thinks that
on the whole, recent proceedings have not been quite creditable to
Capital City of Empire." Military called out, and streets cleared in
no time. Ringleaders of mob arrested, and given a year's imprison-
ment with hard labour. Trafalgar Square railed round and planted
with prickly cactus. Business resumed and confidence restored.
Government begins to think of a Bill to deal with real London
grievances—such as rack-rents, slum-dwellings, and foreign pauper
labour.___[And high time too !

A Cloud of Yachts.—The account of the British owner published
last week, confirms the notion that the much-talked-of superiority
of the Thistle over the Volunteer was mere vapouring. This is not
surprising. All that could he appropriate ly expected from such a
weed was smoke!