Punch (93.1887)

July 30, 1887.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

37

MR. PUNCH'S MANUAL FOE, YOUNG RECITERS.

A natural anxiety that his pupils should be furnished with as
complete a repertory as possible, has prompted Mr. Punch to

command one of his spare Poets
// I to knock off a little dramatic

piece founded (at a respectful
distance) upon a famous Trans-
atlantic model. The spare Poet
in question—all reluctant as he
felt even to appear to be com-
peting with the inimitable—had,
as the minion of Punch the
Peremptory, no option but to
. obey to the best of his powers.
j/ The special merit of the present
production will be found in the
care with which it has been
watered down to suit the capacity
of amateurs for whom the original
would offer difficulties well-nigh
insuperable. This poem is par-
ticularly recommended to diffi-
dent young ladies with a sup-
pressed talent for recitation.
' Some on reading it may imagine
that its rough but genuine pathos is scarcely adapted to feminine
treatment—but wait until you hear some young lady recite it!
Mr. Punch, for his part, is content to wait for almost any length of
time. The Author calls it :—

Hasdrtjbal Jopp.

The Reciter is supposed to be in the Strand, facing the audience. As
you come on, the idea is that you are suddenly attracted by an
advertisement borne by the last of a string of Sandwich-men.
You stop him, and begin as follows. Py the way, as you are
enacting an American, you will of course be careful to speak
through your nose, whenever it occurs to you. Now then:—■

H'yur, you ! bossing them boards—Jess you fetch up a spell!

t [Rough goad-nature expressed by forefinger.

fJon't go twitching your cords ! {Impatiently.) Lemme look at ye
, well:

y^enial amusement.) "Why, I'm derned ef ye don't look as skeered

as a tortoise growed out of his shell!
What's the style of your show ? This yer pictur looks gay:
"hy, ye don't tell me so ! {Homely gratification.) It's a Murrican

A ] play!

■^d you mosey along with the posters—wa'al, now, do ye find the job

\ With a kindly curiosity.) Say, what was it—drink ? As has led

-rp. , to it. . . . Stop!

Iv a al, on'y to think—Ef it isn't his shop!

1118 identical theater as hires ye. Hev ye heerd on him ?—Has-
„ drubal Jopp !

5°Te hev, I declar ! Oh, it's likely the same,

'Vrueb. I knew him out thar {indicate the United States by a vague
If ,Jerk of your thumb), And I reckon it's Fame,
1 a broken-down blizzard like you—(No offence!)-kin look so at
his name!

(By the word " so " you should suggest a movement of pleased
P , surprise on the part of the Sandivich-man.)

^an t ye stay for awhile—Till I 've opened my head ?
|° he s bin an' struck ile ? Which the same's what J said—

mee in Fish outer Water, and sez I {sententiously), "A
y Tragedian bred!"

W allays allowed, As he must make a hit;
Jea at a11 Proud—No, Sir—all on him grit! {Affectionately.)
88 you wait till he hears I'm around, and you mark the reception

Fn glt!

Loa tsl-u0wer®snoacaumB Asyedon'toftennncl-

• the way it all comes Scrouging in on my mind !—
oruptly.) This dern sun is that pesky an' strong, it's enough for

(JT . strlke a man blind!

e,'e you should convey the idea that this is a mere excuse for a not
unmanly emotion ; this is generally done by wiping the eye sur-

A f rePtUt°usly on the coat-sleeve.)

Wvt? , ?der CUS8 Never stepped on a street.

T » ij , Taise sucn a fuss. When we happened to meet—

* wild see he'd be hurt in his feelins ef he warn't not allowed to

c, , stand treat!

°o be s managed to climb To the top of the tree!
TW Tin-1! i \_Homely, unselfish satisfaction.

1 U bet every time—Big a boss as he be—
1? ! 6rS ^ Pardner ^ Frisco—Tes, he don't forgit little old
• [This proudly, but tenderly.

{Sere the Sandxvich-man is supposed to make some sort of assent.
You turn upon him savagely, with an irritation assumed to
conceal deep feeling.)
What on airth do you mean ? By a' sayin' " You Ve sure
Of it." {With half recognition.) Seems like I've seen Those yer
featurs afore! [Hand to chin, dubiously.

A mistake ? {Roughly.) Well then, you hold yer bosses, and don't

interrup' me no more !
{The Sandwich-man here makes another attempt to escape ; you put

out two detaining fingers.)
Come, you ain't going yet ? {Heartily.) H'yur, you lem me run on!
Why, we've on'y jest met—And you want to be gone!
I must hev some critter, I tell ye, to practise chin-music upon!
No, theer don't seem a doubt—He is cock of the school;
And the stuffing's knocked out Of your Irving and Toole !

[Outburst of rapturous exultation.
Jest, to think o' Jopp busting up Barrett !—thar, call me a soft-
hearted fool!

{Second emotional display; half turn, and use your handkerchief
with ostentation; the Sandwich-man is also affected, which you
observe with some surprise.)

Why, you air lookin' queer! Derned ef J kin see why!

Sho! you thought 'twas a tear As I've got in my eye ?

[Rough shame at your own weakness.

No, I don't take no stock in hydraulics—it's on'y a dod-gasted fly!

[Resume with a proud anticipation.

He '11 be chipper an' smart.—But, fur all he has riz,

He will open his heart And a bottle of fizz

Right away when he sees me! (Here you seem to detect a lurking
doubt in the Sandwich-man's eye.) Hightoned, Sir? You'd
better believe that he is !
I ain't feared o' no change: Jopp '11 be jest as true !

[Stop abruptly, and stare glassily.
{In a husky whisper.) Blame my cats—but it's strange! (Take a
step backwards.) What in thunder! . . . Jopp it's—YOU !!!

[ With a shout.

(Crestfallen tone.) So ye're not on the boards, but between'em!
(Change to hasty and somewhat confused apology.) . . . Ye'11
excuse me—I've suthin' to do !
[ Go off hurriedly, with air of a man recollecting an appointment.

It is hardly necessary to advise you that the effect you should aim
at is the securing of your audience's sympathy for yourself— as the
victim of such an unfortunate mistake — don't let them trouble
themselves about the unseen Sandwich-man.

tanner s reconctliatory couplet.
This the burden of my song-
Love me little, love me, Long !

DUMB CRAMBO'S SCHOOL-BOOK REVIEW.

The following book, advertised in Messrs. Rivington's list, has
attracted the attention of our Mr. D. C.:—

ASCHOOL FLORA. For the use of Elementary Botanical Classes. By
"VV. Marshall "Watts, D. So. (Lond.), B. Sc. (Vict.)., Physical Science
Master in the Giggleswick Grammar School.

A School Flora (illustrated).

The Knock-down Blow. The Birch.

(One specimen.) (Second Specimen.)

"The Master of Physical Science." Giggles-wick Grammar School.