Punch (94.1888)

iy_PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVABI._[June 30, 1888.

Defence of the Thames is a very essential part of it. An enemy's iron-clads in the Pool would be as little to your mind as
torpedo-fishing at Pangbourne ; eh, mine Aquatic Ancient ? "

" Precisely, my Punchius ! How long then would it be before Tobi there floated, paws upwards, off the Temple
Gardens, whilst his Mighty Master mourned in a Tower dungeon ? "

" Sursum corda, Sire ! " responded the cute but ever-cheery Oracle of Fleet Street. " 'Tis a far cry to Traitor's Gate.
To adapt the Wizard once more:—

" Our "Wimbledon has marksmen good, " And many a ship shall be shot-torn,

(Though Dukes be dour and snubs be rude,) And many a man to earth be borne,

Cockneys are chaps of loyal mood; And many a hulk go up in flames,

On Surrey hills live stalwart men, Ere foreign foe shall sweep the Thames."

On Kentish cliff, in Berkshire glen; * # * ♦

Father Thames gave an exultant whoop that set the Dog of Dogs yapping in joyous sympathy, and startled the distant
punt-angler so that he lost the first big 'un he had hooked that afternoon.

" Natheless, my Grand Old Man of Rivers," pursued Mr. Punch, " we must look well after you. As I said, you look
splendid in flannels, but we can rig you out in armour-plate at need. Neither you nor Bbitannia herself must remain
Unprotected. Whilst Scribes scribble, and Optimists orate, and Pessimists perorate, and Officials glose, and ex-Officials
growl, I Punch, mark, and meditate, and presently shall put my foot down. You know what that means !

" My eye, descending from my Den, surveys

Where Thames, gay-decked, but undefended, strays;

Thames, the best-loved of all our Ocean's sons.

They'd better watch it, our Unknowing Ones I

If they leave you unsafe from source to sea,

They '11 have to reckon, dawdling dolts, with Me 1
*****

Oh, could they flow like thee, and make thy flood
Their great example ; clear their minds from mud,
When quiet, be not quite so deadly dull,
Nor, when they move, so prompt to make a Mull!

" Shade of Denham, forgive me ! What's that you've got tucked up there, Father Thames ? "
" Well—ahem !—it's—hum !—in point of fact it's a Blue Book on National Defence ! "
" The dickens it is ! Find it cheer your course, and solace your solitude ? "

"On the contrary!" cried Father Thames, with emphasis. "Fancied it might be nice reading for bad weather,
-when my patriotic heart aches, and there are no pretty girls about to turn the dull pain into a pleasing flutter. But, as far
as I can make out, there's neither point nor patriotism in it, and I'd put it aside for pipe-lights."

" Point ? Patriotism ! Be these your desiderata, dear old boy ? " cried Punchius. " Then I think I can put you up
to a good thing. Pitch those ponderous pages to limbo. Here's something worth both your P's, and any number of others
into the bargain : such as Pregnancy (of wisdom and wit), Pungency, Polish, Practicality, Pellucidity,—a very peck of P's
summed up in one Big Big P—which is PUNCH !! ! As to Defence, dear boy, it will arm you (against Dulness and other
dangers) better than iron-clads in your estuary, or towers along your sleeps. Take it—with my blessing ! " \

And Mr. Punch handed to Father Thames his