Punch (94.1888)

June 2, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 253

BAROMETRE POLITIQUE.

TO W. G.

{By an Old Admirer.)

[Mr. W. G. Grace, playing at Brighton last week, mado a
score of 215 runs.]

On, W. G., tireless W. Gh,

More power to your elbow! although one can see

Your foes hardly wished that at Brighton.
How many—at forty—could pile such a score ?
But you,—may you do it a hundred times more,

My black-bearded cricketing Titan !
Two hundred and fifteen! Some thundering thumps
The ball must have had whilst you Btood at the stumps

Till the trundlers despaired of your wicket.
No wonder they call you, in j ubilant glee,
And affer another great W. G.,

The very " Grand Old Man " of Cricket! [error I
Well, William, there's work for you, friend, and no
There's Ferris, the Fiend, and there's Tup.ner, the
_ Are licking our Counties like winking. [Terror,
Their pitch, and their pace, and their break seem to
flurry

The best of our batsmen from Yorkshire or Surrey;

That's soarce to your taste I am thinking.
I'm sure, my dear W. G., you're a yearner
To " collar " smart Ferris, and score off of Turner,

And thump for three figures the pair of 'em..
Well, when you next meet may you flog 'em like fun,
For it's time my swart Titan that something was done

To lessen the funk and the scare of 'em.
The Cornstalks are rattlers, my William, all round;
As howlers they 're smart and as batsman they 're sound,

As good as they make 'em, or pick 'em.
jout, William, my champion, although we may feel
Ihey 're brothers in breed, f'oemen worthy our steel,

Our duty's to love, laud— and lick 'em!

THE DIAEY OP A NOBODY.

April 9.—Commenced the morning badly. The butcher whom we decided
not to arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most uncalled-for
manner. He began by abusing me, and saying he did not want my custom. I
simply said, " Then what are you making all this fuss about it for?" and he
shouted out at the top of his voice so that all the neighbours could hear, "Pah,
go along; ugh! I could buy up ' things' like you by the dozen I" I shut the
door, and was giving Carrie to understand that this disgraceful scene was
entirely her fault, when there was a violent kicking at the door, enough to
break the panels. It was the blackguard butcher again, who said he had cut
his foot over the scraper, and would immediately bring an action against me.
Called at Farmerson's, the ironmonger, on my way to town, and gave him the
job of moving the scraper, thinking it scarcely worth while to trouble the land-
lord with such a trifling matter. Arrived home tired and worried. Planted
some mustard and cress and radishes, and wont to bed at nine.

April 10.—Farmerson came round to attend to the scraper himself. He
seems a very civil fellow. He says he does not usually conduct such Bmall
jobs personally, but for me he would do so. I thanked him and went to town.
Tt is disgraceful how late some of the young clerks are at arriving. I told
three of them that if Mr. Perkupp, the principal, heard of it, they might be
discharged. Pitt, a monkey of seventeen who has only been with us six weeks,
told me "to keep my hair on!" I informed him I had had the honour of
being in the firm twenty years, to which he insolentlv replied that I " looked
it." I gave him an indignant look and said, " I demand from yon some
respect, _ Sir." He replied, "All right, go on demanding." I would not
argue with him any further; you cannot argue with people like that. In the
evening Gowing called and repeated his oomplaint about the smell of paint.
Gowing is sometimes very tedious with his remarks, and not always cautious ;
and Carrie once very properly reminded him that she was present.

April 11.—Mustard and cress and radishes not come up yet. To-day was
a day of annoyances. I missed the quarter-to-nine 'bus to the City, through
having words with the grocer's boy. who for the second time had the imper-
tinence to bring his basket to the hall-door, and leaving the marks of his dirty
boots on the f resh-eleaned door-steps. He said he had knocked at the side
door with his knuckles for a quarter of an hour. I knew Sarah, our servant,
could not hear this as she was upstairs doing the bedrooms, and asked the boy
why he did not ring the bell ? He replied that he did pull the hell, but the
handle came off in his hand. I was half an hour late at the office, a thing that
has never, happened to me before. There has recently been much irregularity
in the attendance of the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp, our principal, unfortunately
chose this very morning to pounce down upon us early. Someone had given
the tip to the others; the result was that I was the only one late of the lot.
Buckling, one of the senior clerks, was a brick, and I was saved by his inter-
vention. As I passed by Put's desk, I heard him remark to his neighbour,
" How disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive." This was of course
meant for me. I treated the observation with silence, simply giving him a look
which unfortunately had the effect of making both of the clerks laugh.
Thought afterwards it would have been more dignified if I had pretended not to
have heard him at all. Cummings called in evening, and we played dominoes.

April 12.—Mustard and cress and radishes not come up yet. Left Fabmerson
repairing the scraper, but when I came home found three men working. I ask the
meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in making a fresh hole he had penetrated
the gas-pipe. He said it was a most ridiculous place to put the gas-pipe, and the
man who did it evidently knew nothing about his business. 1 felt his excuse
was no consolation for the expense I shall be put to; In the evening, after
tea, Gowtng dropped in, and we had a smoke together m the breakfast parlour.
Carrie joined us later, hut did not stay long, saying the smoke was too much
for her. It was also rather too much for me, for Gowtng had given me what he
called a green cigar, one that his friend Shoemach had just brought over from
4merica. The ciear didn't look green, but I fancy I must have done so, for when
I had smoked a little more than half, I was obliged to retire on the pretext of
telling Sarah to bring in the glasses. I took a walk round the garden three or
four times, feeling the need of fresh air. On returning Gowing noticed I was
not smoking : offered me another cigar, which I(politely declined. Gowing began
his usual sniffing, so, anticipating him, I said, You _ re not going to complain of
the smell of paint again ? " He said. No, not this time; but I '11 tell yon what
—I distinctly smell dry rot." I don t often make jokes, but I replied, " You're
talking a lot of dry rot yourself." I could not help roaring at this, and Carrie
said her sides quite ached with laughter. 1 never was so immensely tickled by
anything I have ever said before. I actually woke up twioe during the night and
laughed till the bed shook.

Bad Style.—" If there is one thing more than another irrigates me," says
Mrs. Ram, "it's to see people mixing their tongues." She instances the
familiar quotation, " Chacun a son gout. " Why not put it all in French, or
all in English ? Or, if this medleyof languages must be used, why not say,
' Chacun a son rheumatism, or Chacun a son neuralgia' P " These com-
plaints, Mrs. R. affirms, are quite as common as gout.

Propositions and Eiders.—Why not make a few rides under the shady trees
through Kensington Gardens, and connect Kensington with Bayswater ? Who
objects ? Whv not more Rotten Rows across Park, from Park Lane side to
Bayswater? Who can cut these Gordian Why-Nots ? " George Ranger " ?

vol. xciv.