Punch (94.1888)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

181

"'THE WIFE'S SECRET."

** The Lessees, in answer to numerous inquiries, beg to state that "The
Wife's Secret" will be strictly kept at the St. James's, and they
cannot consent to " let it out'' even for one night.

ACT I. The Old " Bower Saloon."
Enter La.dy Evelyn, looking perfectly charming.
Lady Ev. Joy I I expect my husband, Sir "Walter Idyott,

the Puritan Cap-
tain, home every
minute. Oh joy I
(Music. Enter
Lord Arden by
window.) Ah 1
my brother!!

Lord Arden
(gaily). Let the
audience know
clearly that I am
—your Brother!
Good. Now, look
here. A price is
set on my wig, I
mean on my head.
My wig may be
\ brought to the
S block. I must
stay here.
Lady Ev. (joy-
~ly hx

ously). My hus-
| band will be
' delighted.

Lord Arden
{with stern gai-
ety). No, he won't.
I am a gay Cava-
lier. He is a
stern Puritan. _ I
must emphasise
j. this, as, when he

'tle Lord Kendal Fauntleroy's delight at feeing a oomes on, he has
i'unch and Judy Show for the finst time in hie life. suoh a startlingly
nlliant costume, that the audience will make a mistake.

Yd% £v. (hesitatingly). Oh—no-

a -rord Arden (a trifle irritated by contradiction). They will. He s
"ern Puritan. I'm a gay Cavalier. He '11 have me shot.
yadvr Ev. (tenderly, but without conviction). Not if I ask him not to.
ii?7 Arden (more annoyed than ever). Yes, he will. He's a

Ev. (sadly). Ton are—an 'Arden.
Tj -Arden. Take your oath not to tell him I'm here.
te£ry 1 'd rather not-but I will. There ! (Takes her oath.
he is f" it ouU without, " Welcome to Sir Walter Ldyott J ") Here
r„„j\J"yously rushing to window.) Oh, what fun 1
Lad,, Where shall I hide ?

Com' nl Hide ? °h, I'd quite forgotten aU about you !
Hide ? -^ram°ermaid (who has witnessed all the previous Scene)
Lord 7je ? Why, as usual, behind the curtain.
LadvT? , (superciliouslv). Oh, that's been done so often.
Com,,,%sstruck by an original idea). "Why not in the chimney (
ohimnev j (decidedly). No; only Low Comedians hide up the

Lord j 7 *hen come down with their faces all over soot.
Wet vo > Resignedly). Well then, behind the tapestry. Don t
r/v,U Ve taken your oath. , .

L "r^Pears behind curtain. Music, suggestive of hiding behind
tapestry, changing to something joyous. Shouts outside.
«; tj7- , ^ter Sir Waiter Idyott, bravely attired.

Sir Wn ■Uear husband I
the battwfZ' ?ear wife! When in the camp, &c, &c, when on
or «Z \Z-eld- &0- &o., the thought of thy sweet face {and so forth

cZt ni^'^eit). You look ill P
this rn,! r , (promptly). Missus wants change of air, and the sooner

«,vS * shut up and the key lost, the better for the piece.
[Thalter; Go°dl

L-t ney adopt Comic Chambermaid's advice. Exeunt Sir Waiter
and Lady Evelyn, lovingly. Comic Chambermaid shows
key to Lord Arden, who comes gaily out from behind
curtain. End of Act.

T ACT II. Scene 1. " Outside."

Ibyot^ %Ted' 1 am a wioked Puritan. Also I am Sir Walter
conk<^ 8 Reward. I hate My Lady because she has locked up my
it if i acc°unts in the Bower Saloon. I must obtain them. How P
locked. Ha I the window. [-&"'<•

Scene 2.' Bower Saloon as before.
Gay Cavalier (to'Comic Chambermaid). Being a gay Cavalier I
must, of course, snatch a kiss from the Comic Chambermaid.

[About to embrace her. Wicked Puritan Steward's head'
appears at window. She screams. Wicked Puritan
otewara s head disappears.
Comic Ch. It was a man. (Opens window.) No it wasn't I'll
go and see. [Exit. End of'Scene.

ACT III. View of Bower Saloon window. Night.
Sir Walter Ldyott (to Jabez Sneed, who has been telling him that
there is a man locked up in the Bower Saloon). Yillain—ha!

t 7 e. ir- v t , . ™ \-LTalf strangles him.

Jabez Sneed (tn a corner). Look there I Who's right now f

[Points to Bower Saloon window. Sir Idyott's Wife enters with
candle. Lord Arden ardently embraces her.
Sir Walter Ldyott (wildly). Ah!
[Guggle, guggle—whack ; and he tumbles down, being literally
"utterly knocked over" by the discovery. Wicked Puritan
Steward gives a half-strangled chuckle. Curtain.

ACT IV. The Poetic Justice Boom.
Sir Walter Ldyott (to himself). I didn't break into the room. I
didn't go and collar my wife's lover. No. I only went indoors, and
put on a different costume. That's all. Both costuftnes suit me
uncommonly well, but in this I am told I look like Little Lord
Fauntleroy.

Lady Ev. {aside). My husband doesn't know anything about my
brother being in the Bower Saloon.

Sir Walter Ldyott (aside). I won't tell her what I saw. If I do-
there 's an end of the play. [Long scene between them about nothing.

Comic Chambermaid (entering). The house is surrounded!
Enter Soldiers and Rude Officer. Another long scene about nothing.

Sir Walter (expressing the general opinion). We're all getting
tired of this. (To Rude Offioer.) Read this paper. I can do what
I like with anybody.
Rude Officer (after reading the paper). You can.
Sir Walter. Then you get out.

Bude Officer. I will. (Scowling.) But a time will come!

[Exit Rude Officer, with Soldiers.
Sir Walter (to his Wife and the Comic Chambermaid). Leave me!
—for ever I . \.

Lady Ev. and Comic Chambermaid (surprised). For ever!
Lady Ev. Just as we were getting along so nicely too.
Sir Walter (writing). Here is a pass for two—for the front.
Lady Ev. (examining it). You haven't signed it.
Sir Walter (with a sickly smile). Always clear-headed. (Signs and
gives it to her.) How.'s that for HttyP—I am alluding to the Aeting
Manager. It admits two.

Lady Ev. Good! (Aside to Comic Chambermaid.) Give this to
my brother. You can go together.

[Exit Comic Chambermaid. Shouts. Noise generally.
Lady Ev. Ha! There he is——
Sir Walter. Who? I didn't mean it for him. (Re shouts to
somebody from window). Stop thief! \Bang—bang ! heard without.
Lady Ev. Ah 1 (Enter Servants with Lord Arden.) Alive !

[Staggers about anyhow.
Sir Walter (pleasantly astonished). Lord Arden! !
Lord Arden (sprightly as ever). Yes; some fool fired—off went the
horse—off I went—and here I am! Quite the gay Cavalier !

Sir Walter. It was only her brother, after all. (To his Wife,
reproachfully.) Why didn't you say so before ?
Lady Ev. (deprecatmgly). JNot my fault—the author's.
Sir Walter. True. (To Lord Arden). Your hand. And now
(turning to his Wife) I will ask you—

Lady Ev. And you (to audience) will ask me too—why I induced
the Managers, Messrs. Hare and Kendal, to produce this piece ?
Well— (all listen intently)—well—the reason why I did so, to our
kind friends in front, and even to my husband, and our rightful
Hare, will ever remain—The Wipes Secret !

Curtain.

New Heading for Next Time.
Shodxd anything further happen to the ceiling in the Queen's
Bench Division when the Last of the Barons is sitting, the scene,
now thoroughly rehearsed, will be thus enacted:—

Last of the Barons. "En iterum Crispinus."' * Gentlemen, I
will restate the old quotation thus, giving my own translation:
Buat Justitia "—let every one engaged in the case get out as quick
as possible—"fiat cesium"—let the ceiling be mended; and, to
avoid having to send for Court Plaster to mend broken heads, let us
send at once for the Law Court Plasterer. Ruamus !

[Exeunt omnes.

* Here the name of any leading Barrister -will be substituted. b. s.