Punch (94.1888)

228

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[May 12, 1888.

place. When I come to think of it, never is here when King-Harman
Salary Bill on. Business done.—Salary Bill and Land Commission
Bill read a Second Time.

Tuesday.—Quite a curious thing happened to-day. Dr. Clabk
had on paper question respecting condition of Scotch Crofters. Lord
Advocate answered in usual crusty manner.
When questions were over, Clabk rose;
asked leave to move Adjournment. Ex-
pressed regret at interference with ordered
Debate, hut explained that he would not
have taken the course hut for unsatisfactory
answer of Lord Advocate. Here's where
the happy accident intervened. Clabk, put-
ting hand into pocket in meditative mood,
thinking how he should begin oration thus
suddenly and unexpectedly called for,
found voluminous notes of speech
already prepared ! Eagerly seized
bundle. With its assistance talked
for three-quarters of an hour. Of
course, wouldn't do for average Mem-
ber to expect similar luck on ordinary
occasions. A pure accident, upon
which Cunlifee Beooks, stepping out
of his portrait-frame at the Royal
Academy, begged heartily to congra-
tulate him.

Rather a dreary Debate, save for
one of those flashes of pellucid speech
with which Chambeblain occasion-
ally varies proceedings. Lord Advo-
cate very petulant. As Wilfbid
Lawson says, has of late made not
Congratulatory Cunliffe. unsuccessful attempt to graft Bal-
foub's airy manner on the crabbed
stock of a Scotch Dominie. Wants Smith to let him bring down a
ferrule. Says he would feel more at home if he had it in his hand
whilst lecturing Scotch Members. Smith says there's no precedent
for it; Lord Advocate must imagine ferrule.

Scotch Crofters summarily disposed of, Bbadlaugh brought on
subject of Waste Lands. The reverberating Colomb green with
envy as he sat and heard Bbadlaugh shout. Bradlaugh always
dominated by sense of fitness of things. Waste places being subject
of his screed, imagined himself in centre of Salisbury Plain, with
audience scattered about the marge. Always a pretty strident voice.
But in these circumstances Niajara nowhere, and the reverberating
Colomb a puny whisperer. Effect presently seen. Bbadlaugh
Bhouted place clear of Members, and at a quarter to nine House
Counted Oat. Business done.—None.

Wednesday.—It was Maple Blundell's speech that killed John
Lubbock's Bill. No doubt about that. One single passage in oration

rung the knell. Lubbock, tryiDg to
conciliate Opposition, had exempted
vendors of certain hot provisions
from operation of Bill. It was this
touched Maple most deeply.
Wrought him up to height of pas-
sionate oratory.

" You may," he said, holding Bill
between finger and thumb, as if it
had been the next article asked for,
and really, 'pon his credit, couldn't
recommend it; "you may have a
glass of 'ot lemonade, but if you
want a glass of cold lemonade. Sir
John steps in and says, ' No.' You
may have a 'ot tart, but not a cold
tart; and, Sir," here voice sank to
lowest unutterable depths of pained
indignation, "if you want a 'ot
sausage, you may have it, but not
a cold peelony."

That settled the thing. Even the
Speakee, who, after all, is (to a cer-
tain extent) human, gravely shook
his head. As for Geobge Higginson
Allsopp, he felt a crisis had been
reached in long struggle for freedom

The State in Danger. 0t 8%°?}?-

It," as he said to his brother
Samuel Chables. whom;he met in Lords' corridor, " a gentleman
dropping in after Eight o Clock for a pale ale can't ohoose between
a hot sausage and a cold polony, what are we coming to ? "

Business done.—Sn John Lubbock's Early Closing Bill thrown out
by 278 votes against 95.

X" Thursday.— Gaiety of House eclipsed'to-night by news that
Speakee is ill in bed. It is said the rapid progress of business has
taken his breath away. Whatever be the cause, everyone un-
affectedly sorry. We are all proud of our Speakee.

In his absence Coubtney took Chair, Gobst sitting later in Chair
of Committees. One startling effect of this novelty is to bring out
Geobge Campbell as a humorist. Wants to know what is going
to be done with vacant space on arch by Hyde Park Corner formerly
occupied by revered statue of Duke of Wellington ? If they have
nothing else to put there, will they bring the statue back ? Plunket
rather thkks not. Spent £3000 in getting it down to Aldershot. _ A
considerable sum, but the deliverance worth it. Strictest discipline
preserved at Aldershot. Corporal's guard always told off to arrest
privates speaking disrespectfully of the statue. Not at all likely to
disturb this happy arrangement by fetching statue back in
triumph. All very well for Napoleon to be from time to time
chasse from Paris and then brought back amid frantic shouts of
" Vive VEmpereur ! " Duke quite another person. His statue to
be left to adorn Aldershot.

It was then Campbell made his joke. Said he would " call atten-
tion to the distressing results which have followed the rash removal
of a landmark dear to the inhabitants of London."

Wxlfbid Lawson a little critical; says Campbell joking reminds
him of what Dr. Johnson said about the dog walking on_ its hind
legs: "Not marvellous, though it was well done; strange it should
be done it all." Goschen snapped angrily at this incursion on his
new preserves. If this was result of Speakee's absence,.sooner he was
back the better. But House, led off by Addison, laughed consumedly,
and for hours after Geobge Campbell, ecstatically nursing his right
knee, indulged in silent chuckle. Business done.—Geobge Campbell
made a joke. Budget Bill passed through Committee.

Friday.—Ashboubne back in the Lords to-night. Says he's
come over to see Pictures at Academy, and incidentally to introduce
a Bill on Irish Bankruptcy. O'Hanlon thinks that's all a blind.
Suspects Loed Chancelloe of black designs.

Doesn't come to London for nothing," O'Hanlon says, gloomily.

"No, indeed," says Ashbourne, in his cheery way. "Costs
me £4 5s., not to mention cab fares."

Being here, sets Lords by the ears. Throws in innocent remark in
discussion on Boycotting, which brings up Geanville, Spenceb, and
the cumbrous Kimbebley. Markiss marches in. For some minutes,
quite a pleasant rumpus. Business done.—Commons Counted Oat.

Thobough.—" If you want a thing done well, do it yourself," is
the motto of action for the Earl of Onslow and Lord Clinton, who
have lately been inspecting for themselves the sweating dens of
Whiteohapel—or rather Blackchapel. When a Select Committee
wants to get on fast, let them get Onslow. He is like the celebrated
Gbiffiths, a safe man, and his title should he, Earl of Onslow-and-
Suee. Success to both their Lordships in their praiseworthy
endeavours to get the whole truth out about the " sweating system."
They must have experienced some melting moments in Whitechapel.

HOW OUR GREENGROCER PROPOSED TO EVADE THE TAX.

" "Wheels ? Lor' bless ye ! I ain't got no wheels! This 'ere's my
garden-roller, this is!",

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