Punch (94.1888)

262

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[June 2, 1888.

A STRAIGHT TIP.

Visitor (to Sporting Character, who has got hold of his Watch-guard), " Ameeican Ticker—

Gekm' Silver Chain-"

Sporting Character. "Oh—thanks! Bes pakd'n I " [Lets go !

Corbectio.—Carissime Panche,—Legi in tua impressione Epistolam Petei Pusnacis de
pugnis puerorum. Sed f acit parvum errorem dicendo quod Tommius Bbownt/s pugnavit
cum Flashmanno. Hoc non ita fuit.

Flashmanno erat egregius bullius in scholse domo (onjus Peteb nuno est et ego olim
fui ainmnus), et una nocte Tommit/s Brownt/s (is qui nunc est suns Honor Judex Hushes),
et Henbictts sive Habbius Obiens, adhuc parvuli pueri, pugnayerunt cum eo in aula,—
adjuvante quodam (si recte memini) Dobbs, siye Disss, qui vidit asquum ludum—et vice-
runt. Sed pugna ilia Tommii celeberrima fuit cum quodam Williams, oognomine Slosseb,
et orta est ut sequitur:—Uno die Magister quidam juvenis (scilicet ut audivi, Cottontus, is
qui postea fuit caput magister Marlburise et episcopus Calcutta), capiebat classem alii
Magistri, cujus Abthubus (id est, Stanleius, posthoc preeelarus Decanus Westmonasteriensis)
erat caput. Legendo Homerum Abthtjbus lacrimis solvitur. Turn Magister ponit super
Slosseb, qui non bene paratus venit ad dolorem construendo, et descendit ad f undum classis,
cumimpositione. Slosseb iracundus minatur punchere (non intendo jocum) caput Abthubi
post scholam. Tommius hoo audiens intervenit, et pugna sequitur, in prsesentia juvenis
Brookii (prsepostoris) et totius scholte, exceptis lllis, qui in aula, manentes furando aliorum
cibos sibi unctum parant. Hsec est vera historia quam potes, si vis, legere in Tommii
Bbowni libro immortali. Tuus vere, Oltm Rugb-EENsis.

Hand and Glove at a New Spa.—At a meeting of a Syndioate for the exploitation of
the bromo-iodine Spa at "Woodhall, Lincolnshire, Dr. Bubney Yeo (our Only Nautical Doctor,
"Yeo, my boys, yeo ho!") hitched up his main braces, and observed that there was a
growing desire " to encourage English Spas." We hope so. Boxing has once again come
into fashion, so has glove-fighting, and what more does anyone want in the way of an
English Spar ? Sir Spenceb Wells was also present on this interesting occasion. What
would any watering-place be without Wells ? We did not see the name of Dr. Eobson
Boose among the professional visitors to the Woodhall Pump-Room, which is odd. seeing
that in his latest book, The Treatment of Gout in Toto, he strongly reoommends Woodhall
Spa, and draws such a pleasant picture of the place as to make the realisation of it quite a
Roose-o's Bream. In fact we thought he was the first discoverer of the place—a sort of
Dr. Robinson Roose-o. Why go abroad for our regular Homburg, when we can get it at
home ? Plenty of Flats to let in Lincolnshire. " Better to bear (i.e., support) the 'Wells'
we have, than fly to others that we know not of."

STANLEY.

( With Apologies to Mr. Browning's " Waring.")
I.-i.

What's become of Stanley
Since he gave us all the slip,
Started off, as gay as can be,
On his Equatorial trip,
Sworn on his returning track
To bring fame—and Emin—back ?

n.

Ichabod, Ichabod 1

To Emin he's departed.

Does he travel up the Congo ?

Or hobnobs he with some Pongo

Of a native Afric chief,

Some slave-dealing royal thief,

Whom he marvellously teaches

To be honest and wear breeohes ?

Who has heard a rumour swell

Of a white man just upstarted

In the Bhar Gazelle ?

How he tames the cruel-hearted

Millions there, who now revere

Colt's revolvers, home-brewed beer ?

Haply through that torrid zone

To their goal he's brought his band,

And—just as 'twere Livingstone—

Lifts his hat, holds out his hand,—

" Emin Pasha, I believe ? "

Do such flattering thoughts deceive'.?

Shall we greet his well-known face

Once more in the market-place ?

II—i.

" When I last saw Stanley-"

How all turned to him who spoke!
You saw Stanley I Truth or joke ?
Stark mad must the man be!

n.

" Near Uganda we were hunting,
When one of us espied
Shoreward borne a bit of hunting
To a topmast tied.
Out there stepped a bearded man,
Eye like vulture, head like lion,
Skin all browned and bronzed like tan ;
Not the sort of man to try on
Playful jests with, one perceives,
Nor to bore with make-believes.
It was Stanley "—(how the speaker
Was surrounded I How we drank
All his words !)—" the EMXN-seeker,
Stood there, on that bank.
' Tell them—tell friends far away,'
Stanley said, ' I'm here with Emin.
Failed to reach him ? That's a dream in
Dotards' heads! But here we stay.
Some day, haply, from the gloom
We '11 emerge, and, past Khartoum,
Past the shrieking GoaDON-slayers,
Down to Berber we shall win,
Till our strange-built dahabeahs
Make the Cairo gossips grin I'

in.

" Then he paused—turned on his heel—
Would have vanished past appeal;
But, as though our voiceless wish
Stayed him, he turned baok, and said,
' Have you some Cut Cavendish,
Snuff, or any decent bread ?
Thanks I My men expect me now.'
So he stepped on board his prow."

rv.

Ah! We hope that tale is true 1
That the traveller, over-due,
May do that for which he went,
And beoome more Emin-ent!
Down the White Nile gleams his van ?
What's the news in Kordofan ?

New Piece at Mbs. Jom* Wood's Theatre
(when it opens in October).—Les Surprises du
Divorce; or, What will Mistsr Grundy say"!