Punch (94.1888)

286

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.

[June 16, 1888.

A NASTY ONE.

Snarlcy. '' I see you 're spending a Lot op Monet on that little Place or Yours in
Surrey! "

Snobley. " Yes, I want to make the Place—a—thoroughly fit foe a Gentleman,
don'tcherknow I "

Snarley. '' Oh, I suppose you mean to Let it ? "

OUB ONLY EVERYTHING.

" Lord 'Wolseley is evidently delivering a
series of Lectures on the Whole Duty of Man."—
Daily News.

Yes, Genius is a Great Gift!

Omniscience has its advantages I
A Man who can lecture on Thrift

In a way which to match one would want
ages;

Party Politics then give a turn,
"Wallop negligent Whigs and slate cracked
Tories,

Then tell us we've yet much to learn _

About people who toil in our factories:
Who knows all about Man and his faults,

Likewise about Woman and her vices,
And makes most tremendous assaults

Upon every one of the Services ;
Who knows more about cannon than Krupp,

And more about tactics than Salisbury ;
Who could make Mr. Gladstone sit up,

And teach Law and politeness to Hals-
bury ;

Who concerning Statistics is pert,
And about Lord Geobge Hamilton quiz-
zical;

Who can measure exactly our hurt

From a lack of the training that's physical;
Who knows why we 're running to seed,

And what mollycoddling has made us all;
Who's certain 'tis easy indeed

For Germans and French to invade us all;
Who knows—but to tell half he knows

About all things from Mayfair to Media,
Would take us from now to Time's close,

And fill up a whole Cyclopaedia.
He, doubtless, the circle could square,

He could, probably, scull the new
Coracle; [despair,
He's a chap who'd make Crichtoit

A genuine Pocket (Book) Oracle 1
What then ? Since perfection pervades

His physical, moral, and mental man,
Since he's the true Jack of All Trades,

A Soldier, a Sage, and a Gentleman,
Our one Only General (that's clear),

Also our one only Particular;
If England in safety would steer,

And John Bull remain perpendicular,
There is only one thing we've to do—

Perch him on pre-eminence lonely,
Dictator! We can't go askew

If we '11 only be ruled by The Only 1

MOVEMENTS OF MR. WILLIAM SIKES.

From the Cracksman's Circular.

Mr. William Sikes arrived in London this morning by the 10 a.m.
train from Portland, having murdered a warder or two and left early.
There were a number of friends to meet him. After making them
a short speech, he adjourned with a select few to the Burglar's Arms
Hotel, where a recherche dejeuner was served. He left in a private
Hansom for the residence of. a friend en route for Paris. During his
short stay Mr. William Sikes visited the houses of several wealthy
merchants in the suburbs, and removed a considerable amount of
superfluous silver, gold, and valuable jewellery. The lot will be sold
in a few days' time at Melter Moss's Lost Property Auction, of which
due notice will be given in this journal and in the Police Gazette.

At the request of his admirers, Mr. William sat for his photo-
graph. One specimen copy he subsequently sent by Special Messenger,
as a present, to Sir Charles Warren, and another he left personally
on the Chief of the Police Intelligence Department, Whitehall. Mr.
W. Sikes conversed pleasantly for several minutes with some of the
chief constables on duty, and bidding them farewell, drove back
to the house of the friend with whom he was staying.

In the evening of next day the first burglary of the season (in
this neighbourhood) took place at the house of Mr. Snobbington,
whose gold plate was left out on the side-board on the occasion of
the reception given by Mrs. Snobbington to the Half-Crown Prince
of Saxe-Hapense. Mr. William Sikes, who is a great collector of
old jewellery and gold and silver plate, was naturally attracted by
the display, and was not contented until he had become the happy
possessor of some of the moBt splendid pieoes in the set.

Friday.—A man said to be uncommonly like Mr. William Sxsss
has been arrested, and is now in the custody of the police. The pro-
ceedings are necessarily seoret. ,

Saturday.—Another man more like Mr. William Sikes than tne
other has been arrested. The other one has been cautioned ana
discharged. He promised not to look so like W. Sikes again, ana
thanked the police for the care they had taken of him. _

Sunday.—The man arrested yesterday has been discharged.
being confronted with the photograph it was ascertained that he wasn1
like Mr. Sikes at all. He was immediately dismissed with a caution.
A wire from Paris brings the intelligence that Mr. W. Sikes was
present at the Grand Prix, when several distinguished French gentle-
men, residing in the neighbourhood, lost considerable sums of money-
Unfortunately the new3 arrived too late for anv member of the Intel-
ligence Department to avail himself of it. * * * Mr. Sikes having
unexpectedly returned has been arrested in consequence, it is sup-
posed, of his resemblance to somebody else.

Mrs. Ram went to see one of her little nephews at Eton on th?
4th of Jane. "A pretty sight," she said. " I hope Mr. Irving w*»
there, as the fireworks quite reminded me of that wonderful scene
the Brocas,—in Faust, you know."

An Honorary Academical distinction wa3 conferred on Mr. J- k
Toole as The Bon last week. He is now a Fellow of—innm
Humour. Sunday Times, please copy.

A very "Big Big D-."—The Duke of Mecklenbub0'

sohwerin (.' /) ____