DOI Heft:
February 16, 1889
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17687#0094
84 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [February 16, 1889.
BALLADS OF TO-DAY,
FURNIVAL’S INN.
(By Bouquet TFaUcere.)
In your still garden, when the bells are chiming,
When the rooks clamour, and the crocus blows,
And house-boat snails the border-bricks are sliming,
And light and shadow line the lawn in rows,
Think how, amid the roar of City traffic,
I make heart’s music to the jarring din,
And spin Alcaic, Elegiac, Sapphic,
Taking mine ease in Furnival’s Old Inn.
“ FurnivaVs Inn, and FurnivaVs outt,
Furnival 's grown a gadabout;
FurnivaVs here, and FurnivaVs there,
Thorough the crescent, athwart the square ,
FurnivaVs off, and FurnivaVs on,
Whither, ye Shepherds, has Furnival gone ? "
Rolls there a ’bus by, or careers a hansom,
Rattles the peaceful Pickford’s chariot-van,
Love still, with smiling eyes, will pay the ransom,
Still chant serene what man hath made of man.
Though on their prancing destriers the Templars
Stay not the traffic now in Fetter Lane,
The Mail-cart Knight reveres his great exemplars,
And drives his palfrey half as fast again.
Still, through a conflorescent spilth of splendour,
Yanquishing Yenice and the lim lagoon,
The heart will yearn for England’s April tender,
Singing, Go, rill, along with sober boon.
And, like some great Express to Bath or Grantham,
Gleams of your voice that day you came to tea
Mingle for ever with the old-world anthem,
Sung on May morns to Tudor minstrelsie,
“ FurnivaVs Inn, and FurnivaVs outt,
FurnivaVs grown a gadabout;
FurnivaVs here, and FurnivaVs there,
Over the crescent, and through the square ;
FurnivaVs off, and FurnivaVs on,
Whither, ye Nymphs, has the malapert gone ? ”
YACHTING FOR THE PROSTRATE.—Rare and cheery oppor-
tunity. A confirmed Naval Valetudinarian, who has recently
purchased a Penny River Steamer in an averagely good condition, is
desirous of meeting with one or two cheerful hut hopeless invalids,
who, struggling for existence, think that they might possibly derive
some benefit from the novelty and excitement consequent on joining
him in a projected cruise down the Channel. The idea of the Adver-
tiser, if the vessel prove seaworthy, would be to put in at all the
recognised Hospitals along the Coast, and endeavour to obtain advice
gratis from the Authorities. Applicants could come in their own
Bath Chairs, which they could occupy during the whole of the
voyage, being securely strapped to the bulwarks in rough and
boisterous weather. For full particulars and terms apply to ‘ ‘ Commo-
dore,” 5, Churchyard Place, Gravesend.—[Advt.],;
NECK OR NOTHING.
Her Majesty, having expressed her willingness to dispense with
the daylight display of shoulders at her Drawing Rooms, in the case
of applicants who can satisfy the Lord Chamberlain that on account
either of “ illness or infirmity or advancing years," they are entitled
to a dispensation, it is probable that that functionary will find him-
self in some difficulty when called upon to discharge the rather
delicate duty entrusted to him. However, let him take heart. He
has merely to prepare the following brief paper of questions, and
request every fair applicant to fill up as much of it as she will or can
—and the thing is done:—
1. What illness have you had ? State whether it was nettlerash,
measles, one of the five fevers, or any other contagious or infectious
disease that would necessitate your being wrapped up in its conva-
lescent stage in an East wind ?
2. Are you infirm? If so, state the nature of your “infirmity.”
Are you deaf, lame, or blind ? Do you wear a wig, false teeth, or
a glass eye, or are you able to mention any other artificiality about
you that may warrant you in claiming the exemption on the plea
of your being considered “ infirm ” ?
3. If you put forward the excuse of “ advancing years,” give your
age on your last birthday, and state, if you can, how your
“advancing years” tell on you? Do you totter and stagger as
you walk, and are you helped up the steps by the footman ? Are
you hopelessly imbecile ? Is your memory either going or gone ?
or are you merely a middle-aged frisky matron, who tries to cut
out her own daughters, who say of her, behind her hack, “Oh!
Mamma’s too dreadful!" If not this, mention one or two signs,
such as a paralytic stroke or two, indicative of the fact that you are
generally breaking up, and should therefore enjoy the privilege of
attending the Queen’s Drawing Room in a dress that will not accele-
rate the process by leaps and hounds.
OUR BOOKING-OEEICE.
My faithful “ Co.” has it all to himself this week. He apparently
has had a good time of it.
If Mr. Frederick G. Kitton’s first Number of Charles Dickens
by Pen and Pencil is a good sample of what
the whole work will he like—and there is no
reason to suppose it is not—it is likely to he a
valuable addition to the Biography of the
Author of Pickwick. In the present Number
there is a portrait of Dickens in 1835, there is
the portrait by Maclise in ’39. There are
many additional Illustrations of great interest,
and in the letter-press there is not a little
that will be new to the countless admirers
of our great Novelist. The whole work seems
to be carried out with an exactness, and the
most careful attention to minute detail, that
renders it especially valuable.
Old Chelsea, by Dr. Martin. “All my A Dip m a Book.
eye and Betty-” No! Beg pardon. “All the eyes of Dr.
Martin”—seems to have been used to the best advantage in his
“summer-day’s stroll.” If anything escaped him, he fortunately
had Mr. Joseph Pennell—he ought to be called Mr. Joseph Pencil
—with him, who has given countless graphic representatious of
“all that is good in Chelsea.” A genial gossiping book. Chelsea
is here pleasantly penetrated by pencil and by pen, and no one will
be anxious to become a Chelsea pen-shunner.
The Baron de Book Worms & Co.
Sporting Intelligence.
Yery bad for sport of all kinds nowadays. If you want to shoot,
it rains furiously ; if you wish to hunt, it freezes vindictively. It is
poor sport, after all, to stop at home. Much better to go to the
Grainery at St. George’s Hall, and hear a certain versatile enter-
tainer give a solo on the Corney ! (Ha ! ha!!) He will tell you all
about it, with wondrous bonhomie and spontaneity; with an utter
absence of the dismal horse-collaric merriment of the “ funny man,”
and with sparkling snatches of song and music. Go and hear him
sing, “ I won't go out Shooting any more ! ” “ Something to Kill,"
the pathetic “ Squire's Song," and “ The Old Banjo." In a com-
fortable, well-warmed room, you will be quite independent of our
detestable climate, and in A Day's Sport you will find an evening’s
amusement.
Epitaph for the Great Tower of Paris (if it topples over).—
“I fell!”
A Paradox.—Boulanger representing the Seine!
EOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
there will be no exception.
BALLADS OF TO-DAY,
FURNIVAL’S INN.
(By Bouquet TFaUcere.)
In your still garden, when the bells are chiming,
When the rooks clamour, and the crocus blows,
And house-boat snails the border-bricks are sliming,
And light and shadow line the lawn in rows,
Think how, amid the roar of City traffic,
I make heart’s music to the jarring din,
And spin Alcaic, Elegiac, Sapphic,
Taking mine ease in Furnival’s Old Inn.
“ FurnivaVs Inn, and FurnivaVs outt,
Furnival 's grown a gadabout;
FurnivaVs here, and FurnivaVs there,
Thorough the crescent, athwart the square ,
FurnivaVs off, and FurnivaVs on,
Whither, ye Shepherds, has Furnival gone ? "
Rolls there a ’bus by, or careers a hansom,
Rattles the peaceful Pickford’s chariot-van,
Love still, with smiling eyes, will pay the ransom,
Still chant serene what man hath made of man.
Though on their prancing destriers the Templars
Stay not the traffic now in Fetter Lane,
The Mail-cart Knight reveres his great exemplars,
And drives his palfrey half as fast again.
Still, through a conflorescent spilth of splendour,
Yanquishing Yenice and the lim lagoon,
The heart will yearn for England’s April tender,
Singing, Go, rill, along with sober boon.
And, like some great Express to Bath or Grantham,
Gleams of your voice that day you came to tea
Mingle for ever with the old-world anthem,
Sung on May morns to Tudor minstrelsie,
“ FurnivaVs Inn, and FurnivaVs outt,
FurnivaVs grown a gadabout;
FurnivaVs here, and FurnivaVs there,
Over the crescent, and through the square ;
FurnivaVs off, and FurnivaVs on,
Whither, ye Nymphs, has the malapert gone ? ”
YACHTING FOR THE PROSTRATE.—Rare and cheery oppor-
tunity. A confirmed Naval Valetudinarian, who has recently
purchased a Penny River Steamer in an averagely good condition, is
desirous of meeting with one or two cheerful hut hopeless invalids,
who, struggling for existence, think that they might possibly derive
some benefit from the novelty and excitement consequent on joining
him in a projected cruise down the Channel. The idea of the Adver-
tiser, if the vessel prove seaworthy, would be to put in at all the
recognised Hospitals along the Coast, and endeavour to obtain advice
gratis from the Authorities. Applicants could come in their own
Bath Chairs, which they could occupy during the whole of the
voyage, being securely strapped to the bulwarks in rough and
boisterous weather. For full particulars and terms apply to ‘ ‘ Commo-
dore,” 5, Churchyard Place, Gravesend.—[Advt.],;
NECK OR NOTHING.
Her Majesty, having expressed her willingness to dispense with
the daylight display of shoulders at her Drawing Rooms, in the case
of applicants who can satisfy the Lord Chamberlain that on account
either of “ illness or infirmity or advancing years," they are entitled
to a dispensation, it is probable that that functionary will find him-
self in some difficulty when called upon to discharge the rather
delicate duty entrusted to him. However, let him take heart. He
has merely to prepare the following brief paper of questions, and
request every fair applicant to fill up as much of it as she will or can
—and the thing is done:—
1. What illness have you had ? State whether it was nettlerash,
measles, one of the five fevers, or any other contagious or infectious
disease that would necessitate your being wrapped up in its conva-
lescent stage in an East wind ?
2. Are you infirm? If so, state the nature of your “infirmity.”
Are you deaf, lame, or blind ? Do you wear a wig, false teeth, or
a glass eye, or are you able to mention any other artificiality about
you that may warrant you in claiming the exemption on the plea
of your being considered “ infirm ” ?
3. If you put forward the excuse of “ advancing years,” give your
age on your last birthday, and state, if you can, how your
“advancing years” tell on you? Do you totter and stagger as
you walk, and are you helped up the steps by the footman ? Are
you hopelessly imbecile ? Is your memory either going or gone ?
or are you merely a middle-aged frisky matron, who tries to cut
out her own daughters, who say of her, behind her hack, “Oh!
Mamma’s too dreadful!" If not this, mention one or two signs,
such as a paralytic stroke or two, indicative of the fact that you are
generally breaking up, and should therefore enjoy the privilege of
attending the Queen’s Drawing Room in a dress that will not accele-
rate the process by leaps and hounds.
OUR BOOKING-OEEICE.
My faithful “ Co.” has it all to himself this week. He apparently
has had a good time of it.
If Mr. Frederick G. Kitton’s first Number of Charles Dickens
by Pen and Pencil is a good sample of what
the whole work will he like—and there is no
reason to suppose it is not—it is likely to he a
valuable addition to the Biography of the
Author of Pickwick. In the present Number
there is a portrait of Dickens in 1835, there is
the portrait by Maclise in ’39. There are
many additional Illustrations of great interest,
and in the letter-press there is not a little
that will be new to the countless admirers
of our great Novelist. The whole work seems
to be carried out with an exactness, and the
most careful attention to minute detail, that
renders it especially valuable.
Old Chelsea, by Dr. Martin. “All my A Dip m a Book.
eye and Betty-” No! Beg pardon. “All the eyes of Dr.
Martin”—seems to have been used to the best advantage in his
“summer-day’s stroll.” If anything escaped him, he fortunately
had Mr. Joseph Pennell—he ought to be called Mr. Joseph Pencil
—with him, who has given countless graphic representatious of
“all that is good in Chelsea.” A genial gossiping book. Chelsea
is here pleasantly penetrated by pencil and by pen, and no one will
be anxious to become a Chelsea pen-shunner.
The Baron de Book Worms & Co.
Sporting Intelligence.
Yery bad for sport of all kinds nowadays. If you want to shoot,
it rains furiously ; if you wish to hunt, it freezes vindictively. It is
poor sport, after all, to stop at home. Much better to go to the
Grainery at St. George’s Hall, and hear a certain versatile enter-
tainer give a solo on the Corney ! (Ha ! ha!!) He will tell you all
about it, with wondrous bonhomie and spontaneity; with an utter
absence of the dismal horse-collaric merriment of the “ funny man,”
and with sparkling snatches of song and music. Go and hear him
sing, “ I won't go out Shooting any more ! ” “ Something to Kill,"
the pathetic “ Squire's Song," and “ The Old Banjo." In a com-
fortable, well-warmed room, you will be quite independent of our
detestable climate, and in A Day's Sport you will find an evening’s
amusement.
Epitaph for the Great Tower of Paris (if it topples over).—
“I fell!”
A Paradox.—Boulanger representing the Seine!
EOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
there will be no exception.