Punch: Punch (96.1889)

May 4, 1889.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

205

TALES OF A TRAVELLER.

Obedient to your orders, I interviewed Ms
LordsMp. Tn reply to. my first question, “Where
have you been all this long time?” the distin-
guished traveller replied, “Everywhere. South
Pole, North Pole, East and West pole. In leaving
the North Foreland — I mean the Dorogovki
Straits, first turning to the left after leaving
Pubb’s Island,—I steered a straight course in my
caravan, which for convenience I had fitted up
so as to use it as a sailing boat, rowing, or steam-
boat, or in fact, anything. It was intensely cold
at midday and we registered (I
had a registrar with me for births,
deaths, and marriages) sixty-four
degrees below zero, which was
good for the Bank, but bad for
the players who had gone the
maximum en plein. At night it
was lower again, and they all got
so low that most of my party re-
fused to play any more. Along
the road we counted five thousand
dead Indians, who had, I suppose,
committed suicide, in consequence
of zero turning up so often.

Otherwise, I can’t account for it.”

I asked him, ‘ ‘ Did he feel warm
himself ? ”

His LordsMp replied, “ Never
better. Had a high old time of
it. We left Jamrackia hurriedly,
being pursued by raving - mad
wild beasts; and, to save our lives,
we had to swim across a river,
the water of which, strange as it
may sound, had risen so much
during the recent floods, that it
rose considerably higher than
Niagara, and we had to swim up
with the tide, as it came with a
mighty impetus below to reach its
own level, which was now just
two miles and a-half above.”

I could not help remarking that
this must have given him consider-
able trouble.

“Indeed it did,” he replied,

with a smile. “ What'with holding" my bag in one hand,
my gun in the other, my knife in my mouth, and having
to keep my pockets closed for fear anything should drop
out, I had enough to do, I can tell you ; and I may add, I
really should not care about going through the performance
again. However, when we had arrived safely on shore,
the climate of the hitherto undiscovered country was per-
fect, we were soon dry and chattering with the natives,
many of whose faces I was almost certain I recognised as
having seen frequently in London.”

“ Beally ! ” I exclaimed.

“Yes,” said his Lordship rising, “I have made the
grand discovery of the age. The North Pole is as easy of
access to a Londoner as is London
to a Northpoler. They have pos-
sessed the secret of the passage
for years past, and they are often
over here and among us. They
are acquainted with everything
that is going on in London, speak
our language perfectly, and
indeed no other. They have no
leading man of energy among
them to work a company and
make the intercommunication as
simple and as big a commercial
success as the Club Train ought to
be wMch starts at 4'30 from
Victoria and lands its passengers
at 11 p.m. in Paris, the baggage
being examined, and the dinner
eaten en route. Will you put
your name down for 100 shares in
the London and North Pole Club
Train ? ”

But while his Lordship was
finding the prospectus, I suddenly
remembered that I was due at
your office within five minutes,
and so I left without disturbing
his Lordship, who, I hear, is going
to add to his title and appear as
Earl of Longtale and Munchausen.

CERTIFIED ENGLISH LADY EIFFEL TOURIST GUIDES TO
PARIS DURING THE EXHIBITION,

Decay oe Art.—The pictures
of the National Portrait Gallery
are spoiling at Bethnal Green.
Certainly, as Macbeth says:—
“ This is a sorry site.”

H.M.S. “ CALLIOPE.”

A Dithyrambic to the “ Deus ex Machina” of
to-day.

“ A remarkable incident of the hurricane at
Samoa is related this week. Captain Kane, com-
manding the Calliope, finding his vessel in danger,
turned her head to the storm, and endeavoured to
steam out of the harbour of Apia in the teeth of the
hurricane. For a few minutes it seemed as if Nature
must win, but the engines were good, and the
engineers daring, and inch by inch the Calliope
made way. As she passed the great American cor-
vette Trenton, her crew of four hundred, who knew
their vessel was drifting on the reef, and were
momentarily expecting death, recognised Captain
Kane’s daring seamanship, and with true profes-
sional, and, we may add, American feeling, gave
the Calliope a vigorous cheer. Enough has not been
said of the Calliope’s engines. It was their quality
and condition which enabled the commander of the
Calliope to adopt a plan from which both German
and American, with older engines, necessarily
shrank.”—The Spectator.

Who flouts our “mechanical age,” and with
pessimist babble declares
That machinery masters our manhood, and
dulls down the spirit that dares ?

Let him turn to the tale of Samoa, the story of
stout Captain Kane,

And that fight with the storm of the Engines
he trusted—nor trusted in vain.

A new subject for song, and a strange one, the
languid lute-tMuimmers may sneer.
Fancy seeking a bard’s inspiration in Engine,
and Boiler, and Gear!

Fancy Pindar be-praising a Piston, Catullus
be-chanting a Crank !

Well, why not a battle-sMp’s “screw,” Sir,
as well as a battle-steed’s shank?

He who rhymed of the “ Good News from
Ghent." he who sang “ The Black War-
rigal Morse, "

Might thrill English'hearts with the tale of
the gallant Calliope's course.

In the teeth of that terrible gale, when the
best that the brave and the bold

Could do were of little avail should those
Engines perchance fail to hold !

But the Engines were big, Rennie’s best, firm
to stand the fierce shock and the
strain

Of the thundering Typhoon’s assaults, and he
knew it, that stout Captain Kane ;

And just as a well-mounted rider will set his
good steed at a leap,

Which a man on a cripple must shirk, whence
a man on a cocktail will creep,

So Kane set his ship) in the face of the storm,
slipped his cables, and stood

For the broad open sea he might reach—yes,
if Rennie’s great Engines proved
good.

And now was the time for such test as the
measured-mile trials knew not,

Such strain as will find the least flaw, and such
pressure as proves the weak spot.

Bad now if a draughtsman has bungled, bad
now if a workman has scamped f

Picture now that swart first Engineer, as they
circled, and thudded, and champed,

Those shafts, and those rods, and those wheels,
which he knows to a nut and a tooth.

If those Titan-arm “throws” are forged fair, if
those slides run with smoothness and
truth,

Who knows ? They may ride out the gale,
though the Gra?it and the Nipsic ashore
Lie wrecked on a reef, and the Trenton scarce
faces the hurricane’s roar.

“ Huzza ! ” That’s a cheer from the Trenton ;

brave hearts have those Yankees who hail,
The Calliope's plucky attempt, from the midst
of a peril to pale

The cheeks of Columbus himself, “Hail
Columbia! ” the sound of that cheer
Will follow us, gallant four hundred, this
many and many a year.

The loud-throbbing engines toil on through
the fierce billow-scourging wild blast,
And—hurrah! thanks to Kane and to Rennie,
they ’re out of the sea-gate at last!

The reef’s in their rear, and sore pressed by
the gale, but to battle it free,

With machinery firm and unflawed, the
Calliope stands out to sea.

If a jockey has joy in his mount, if a sailor
exults in Ms yacht,

If Ormonde gets kudos all round, and the
Volunteer’s held a big pot,

Pray why should not Captain and Maker be
proud of such Engines as these ?

So in drinking Kane’s jolly good health,
Punch will drink Rennie’s too, if you
please.

VOL. xcvi.

T