Punch (96.1889)

204

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [April 27, 1889.

“ Here’s Howard Yincent.”
and robbing tbe Brewers.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday Night, April 15. Man a curious
mixture. Here’s Howard Vincent, who goes in for Protection
wherever British goods are concerned, dead
against Protection when London thorough-
fares are in question. Before County Council
was, Howard Vincent started agitation
against relics of feudalism in form of chains,
gates, and watch-towers in so-called private
thoroughfares situate in heart of Metropolis.
Up to-night with question about Birdcage
Walk. Why should this broad convenient
thoroughfare, made with public money, be
closed to bulk of traffic, driving it into
already overcrowded Victoria Street?

Plunket protests arrangement cannot be
altered. Suppose road were thrown open,
what is to become of Beadle in uniform, in
little box at Queen Anne’s Gate, who pops
out and stops vehicles whose colour he
doesn’t like, or whose horse doesn’t meet
with his approval ? Spirit of revolu-
tion abroad ; must be stopped some-
where ; Birdcage Walk good place to
make a stand; so Plunket folds his
arms and warns off Howard Vincent.

Jemmy Lowther much pleased.
“Glad to see there’s some pluck left
in this Ministry, after all. They
swamp us with Local Government Bill,
and to-night Goschen fetches in Radi-
cal Budget, raiding on landed property,
If they had given up Birdcage Walk,
Constitution Hill would have gone next, and there would be hardly
any barrier left between East and West.”

Goschen’s Budget suspiciously cheered from Opposition Benches.
Conservatives sat glum, only Truthful James opening his lips to
point moral of the approval. A small House, Members making
holiday before the sun shone. Gladstone set example by posting
off to Hawarden. Another Grand Old Man in Peers’ Gallery listen-
ing to his sixty-third Budget Speech.

“Going already?” I asked him, as he passed out after Goschen
had been under weigh an hour.

“Yes,” said Lord Cottesloe, “ think this will do me to be going
on with. Getting up in years, you know; ninety-two this year—
Gladstone a mere chicken.”

“But you ’re looking pretty well. How do you manage it ? ”

“Budgets, Tody, dear boy, Budgets,” he whispered in my ear.
“Man and boy, I’ve lived on ’em for sixty year. Tell you the
infallible secret of life : begin early on Budgets ; always be in your
place in Commons when Budget comes on ; stands to reason that if
you do this for sixty-three years in succession you ’re bound to live
to pretty old age. Medical nostrums all very well, but the elixir of
life is a Budget Speech.” Business done.—Budget explained.

Tuesday.—House met to-day to adjourn for Easter Recess. Sage
of Queen Anne’s Gate, who manages these things, got us two extra
days’ holiday. Last Thursday, —

in interview with Akers-
Douglas, undertook that if
holidays were extended to 29th
inst., votes in Class I. of Civil
Service Estimates should be
agreed to. Aeers - Douglas
mentioned matter to Old Mo-
rality. Old Morality
showed disposition to bargain ;

Said two or three votes in
Class II. should be thrown in.

Sage shook his head; couldn’t
be done ; Arotes very scarce to-
day • had really offered as
much as could be fairly ex-
pected. Old Morality at last
gave way; _ votes in Class I.
agreed to right off, and an-
nouncement made that holi-
days would be extended.

That’s the way we do business “ I think I ’ll go home ! ”

in House of Commons. Find nothing about this in Parliamentary
Reports ; but it’s literally true.

Might fancy hoys be in'high spirits on eve of holiday. But never
know where you have them. Here’s Wilfrid Lawson with his
knuckles in his eyes trying to squeeze out tear.

“Please, Sir,” he whimpers, “can’t we see the battering-ram
during the holidays ? ”

Speaeer looks at Balfour. Balfour not sure. Wouldn’t like
to answer important question like that off hand. So at six o’clock,
when still full hour to work at Votes in Supply, progress is moved,
the battering-ram brought in, and the boys joyfully swarmed round
it. Time for talk strictly limited; but Windbag Sexton bags
three-fifths of it. Towards close of oration discovers Chief Secretary
yawning; terribly angry; fumes and frets, holds him up to execra-
tion of mankind.

“ If a man mayn’t yawn when Windbag Sexton comes up to
occupy very last moments of a sitting,” said C. P. Villiers, “ free-
dom is a mockery. I think I’ll go home.” He went; and so, at
seven o’clock, did all of us.

Business done.—House adjourned till 29th April.

POSTERITY OH THE PIPES.

{By Our Anti-Scotch Seer.)

[It is said that the strains of the bagpipe are being preserved by the
phonograph for the benefit of posterity.]

Tom, Tom, the piper’s son,

Preserved the “drone ”—what fiendish fun !—

In that foe of music, the phonograph,

That Posterity, pleased, might listen and laugh.

Posterity came, m its time, and heard

The gruesome row as it groaned and ghir-r-r-ed ;

And it rose in wrath, and it fiercely smote
That phonograph, that never a note
Could come from the box, or little or big ;

For Posterity, said, “ ’Tis the squeak of the Pig
That Tom the Piper’s son stole in his time,

As told in the ancient nursery rhyme.

Tom was whipt for the theft, and it served him right;

But our verdict is that the sin was slight
Of stealing that pig with the curly tail,

Compared with the crime of preserving his wail!

“ A DREAM OE EAIR WOMEN.”

1890. —Admission of Spinsters and Widows to the London County
Council. Large grants of money made to Curates and Junior Physi-
cians. Establishment of a College for Cats, Canaries, and Pug Dogs.
Scheme of Metropolitan Improvements providing reservoirs of perfume
for fountains in Trafalgar Square, and gratuitous distribution of
sunshades on the Thames Embankment, carried by a large female
majority. Five-o’clock Tea introduced at the Meetings of the Council.

1891. —Admission of Spinsters and Widows into Parliament.
Heavy tax imposed on latchkeys and cigars. Bill introduced for
closing all Clubs at 9‘30 p.m., and prohibiting smoking therein.
General Election—Return of immense majority of female Candidates.
First female Ministry.

1892. —Queen’s Speech promises admission of females into Army,
Navy, and Bar. Measure embodying above proposals carried by
substantial majorities. Lady Chancellor introduces Bill for Abolition
of Male Judges, and the substitution of Judgesses, which passes
through all its stages with immense enthusiasm. Collapse of the
Judicial System and. Emigration of the entire (male) Legal Profession
to China and the more remote colonies. A difficulty having been
found in obtaining female sailors, abolition of the Navy. The Army
Estimates are introduced, and provide only for lady orchestras.
Swords, cannon, and rifles, are ordered to be sold to the North
American Indians and other savage races.

1893. —Treaty with France to regard England as the most favoured
nation so far as the Paris Fashions are concerned. Measures passed
for the extermination of mice, black-beetles, and barking dogs.
Male M.P.’s abolished. Overthrow of the Ministry on the question
of giving a Fancy Dress Ball in the House of Commons. General
Election, when the Blue-Stocking Party is returned with a large
majority. Lessons in dancing prohibited, and the universal wearing
of spectacles rendered compulsory.

1894. —Men expelled from the Empire. Marriage declared a
felony, and Single Blessedness proclaimed the first Law of Women.

1950.—Death of the surviving inhabitant of London, and final
collapse of the British Empire.

Fronde’s Novel.

’Bout Froude there is no mystery I His fiction’s full of history,
He writes without restriction, | His history full of fiction.

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