DOI Heft:
June 1, 1889
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17687#0266
June i, 1889.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 257
ON COMMISSION.
May 21, 22, 23, and 24.—This may he called the Great O’Brien
week, as the distinguished Irish journalist to whom I have referred
has occupied the witness-box for nearly the whole period. And here
let me say, that if my language has become a little more flowery than
gA usual, it is due to the necessity, the desperate
/fw. n. necessity, of having had to listen to the talented
.A editor of United Ireland for a terrible—I had
almost said a fatally-terrible number of hours.
\ But there have been others who have shared
Pf i with me the pleasant and yet all-but-entirely-
v \ distinctly - dead - certainty fatal labour. On
f Thursday, the bright star of Hawarden, that
'7, ■/ like the sweet soft secret voice of conscience
J-'M/fc rides through the thunder-clouds with an axe
Jf v in his hand, an eagle’s glance in his clarion-
's* ** toned eyes, and the noble aspiration for the
“ The Court then good of the Emerald Isle of the Sea, the land of
adjourned.” the brave and the free, in his heart of hearts,
was present. Mr. O’Brien has been so eloquent in denouncing the
wrongs of Ireland, that Sir Charles Russell and Mr. Lockwood
have evidently been touched to the quick, and as for Mr. George
Lewis (who has sat beside the eminent Counsel to whom I have
just referred), it appeared to me, that it was all that experienced
lawyer could do to restrain from a burst of passionate weeping.
But here, as the occasion seems to lend itself to treatment in a
dramatic form, I take the opportunity of subjoining a slight sketch,
which I need scarcely say, is as unlike the real thing as it is possible
to be. And I distinctly declare that no one who has been in Court
will venture to doubt the assertion.
Court full. Three Commissioners all awake. Distinguished per-
sonages in various quarters—some with opera-glasses, others
with luncheon baskets. Counsel for defence gradually recovering
from extreme agitation caused by a recent description of the
wrongs of Ireland. Messrs. Murphy and Atkinson busy
collecting proofs. Attorney-General rises to cross-examine.
The Attorney- General (lifting seat and leaning on back of desk of
Junior Bar). I think you have just said it is one o’clock ?
Witness [in a low tone). If you allow me, I will explain. It is
my decided and eternally expressed impression, that were the
material products of a metaphysical atmosphere to be placed in
juxtaposition (in a louder tone as he warms to his subject) to the rents of
a self-governed country, the result would be unquestionably chaos !
The A.-G. (looking sideways at someone in the jury-box, absently).
I must repeat my question. I think, you have said it is one o’clock ?
Mr. Lockwood (interposing). Really the Witness ought to be
allowed to explain ?
A.-G. (addressing the Court in a distressed but dignified tone). I
think I have put a plain question, and am not in fault. (Mr. Lock-
wood throws an appealing glance to their Lordships, suggestive of a
desire to say more, much more, which is only restrained by the
haimting dread of seeing hiynself too frequently reported in the
newspapers). I really must ask for a plain answer. (Puckering up
his face into wrinkles, and looking earnestly at Witness). You said
it is one o’clock ?
Witness (at bay). Well, well, well! I may have said it! But I
must explain the circumstances under which I said it.
A.-G. (continuing examination). Was it one o’clock?
Witness (excitedly). I ask if this is fair! (Emphatically.) I
have no sort of wish, or kind of wish, or description of wish to con-
ceal anything. But when I admit that I said it was one o’clock, I
wish to draw a distinction between one o’clock and 12'45.
A.-G. (looking with half-closed eyes). Do you approve of 12'45 ?
Witness (rising abruptly froyyi his chair, ayid speaking with great
excitement). .No, a thousand times No! I say—and I do not wish to
detract one iota from the circumstantial necessity of a tvrant-
composed delegation of artistic sensibilities—that it is'the right of a
free nation to peruse the persecutions of an alien dynasty, and thus
cut itself off from the desperately dangerous chains of a wretched
combination of acrimonious atoms! I do not know if this view of
the subject is (with great force). right in law—but’it appears to me
(in a lower tone) to be entirely in accordance with the highest and
most noble dictates of (lowering his voice to a ivhisper) superhuman
domestic economy!
A.- G. But you admit that you said it was one o’clock ?
Witness (putting his hand to his head). I really do not know—it
may have been.
A.-G. But I must press you upon this matter (holding up his
hand to silence Mr.. Murphy, ivho is venturing upon a suggestion).
Do you not know, Sir—Yes or No—that it was one o’clock ?
Witness (starting to his feet). I say that your question is not fair.
I say that when the rifle is in the hand of the desperado, the patient
fowler listens to the frightfully horrible music of the horn of the
hunter with dismay!
A.-G. (pursing his broivs). But surely--
Mr. Lockwood (interrupting). I really must ask that the Witness
may explain himself in his own fashion. (The Attorney-General
and Mr. Atkinson consult together, while Witness heaves an audible
sigh). I am the last person in the world, my Lords, to put myself
unduly forward, but-
The President. I think that the question should be answered.
[Mr. Lockwood respectfully subsides, and devotes several minutes
of earnest study to the coynpletion of a half-finished caricature.
A.-G. (with weary satisfaction at having overcome preliminary
difficulties). And now, Sir, will you please say whether you declared
it was one o’clock ?
Witness (after a short pause for consideration). Yes, I did.
(Interrupting the Attorney-G f.neral, who is about to put another
question.) But allow me to say, that you must remember all the
terribly horrible circumstances of the distinctly desperate case. Let
me give an example. (With intense determination.) Yes, I will give
an example ! When Julius Chssar first invaded England, it is said
that he asked for some oysters, and Boadicea, who was then in
revolt-—-
A.-G. (plaintively appealing to the Bench). Surely, my Lords,
this is foreign to this issue ?
The President (mildly). Well, it is a little far afield, but perhaps
I may say-
[.Accidentally glances at clock, which points to half-past one. His
Lordship pauses, and joy fully calls the attention of his Breth-
ren to the welcome fact. The Three Commissioners rise.
General movement, and exeunt nearly everyone to lunch.
And as this seems a suitable point for breaking off in my Note, I
drop my pen, and seek a refresher myself.
Pump-handle Court. (Signed) A. Briefless, Junior.
“WAIT FOR THE WAGGON!”
Oh, who would not ride in a nice Caravan ?
For a holiday outing this surely’s the plan !
There’s a boldness about it, a dash, and a novelty,
Which really should make us the travelling hovel try.
Like the snail, you wiR carry your house where you go,
And your progress may also be snailishly slow ;
What matter ? For thus you obtain ample leisure
To observe either Nature or Man at your pleasure.
You need not depend on a landlady’s lodgings,
Or diurnally note her financial dodgings ;
Then you are not confined to a single vicinity,
But can choose just the places with which you’ve affinity.
You can see the sun rise—if the rain is not falling—
And you ’ll know the delights of a Waggon-naan’s calling.
At night-time, when tired, how pleasant ’twill be
To unharness, and feed, and rub down your Gee-gee !
If asleep, you enjoy quite a rollicking feeling
When the rain has come in through a crack in the ceiling.
Though the van-man, if hungry, it certainly riles
To hear there’s no shop within twenty-five miles.
You can cook for yourself—handle kettle and pan;
Oh, who would not invest in a nice Caravan ?
Well Thought Out.—Mr. Capper in conjunction with Mr.
Rutland have recently been giving an entertainment, of. which the
former has certainly contributed the most amusing and interesting
portion. Mr. Capper undertakes to discover a murder which only
exists in the imagination of the would-be murderer. This he accom-
plishes very successfully. It seems, therefore, almost a pity that
this accomplished gentleman is not attached to Scotland Yard, where
his services in the Criminal Investigation Department appear to be
needed, and might be of considerable value. If he was successful in
finding out the perpetrator of the Whitechapel atrocities, everybody
would take off their hats and “ cap” Capper.
MUSICAL NOTES.
Seen your SaiVa^Earty ? (Signor Morning Conrert.”'
Sara.ate!}
VOL. XCVT.
ON COMMISSION.
May 21, 22, 23, and 24.—This may he called the Great O’Brien
week, as the distinguished Irish journalist to whom I have referred
has occupied the witness-box for nearly the whole period. And here
let me say, that if my language has become a little more flowery than
gA usual, it is due to the necessity, the desperate
/fw. n. necessity, of having had to listen to the talented
.A editor of United Ireland for a terrible—I had
almost said a fatally-terrible number of hours.
\ But there have been others who have shared
Pf i with me the pleasant and yet all-but-entirely-
v \ distinctly - dead - certainty fatal labour. On
f Thursday, the bright star of Hawarden, that
'7, ■/ like the sweet soft secret voice of conscience
J-'M/fc rides through the thunder-clouds with an axe
Jf v in his hand, an eagle’s glance in his clarion-
's* ** toned eyes, and the noble aspiration for the
“ The Court then good of the Emerald Isle of the Sea, the land of
adjourned.” the brave and the free, in his heart of hearts,
was present. Mr. O’Brien has been so eloquent in denouncing the
wrongs of Ireland, that Sir Charles Russell and Mr. Lockwood
have evidently been touched to the quick, and as for Mr. George
Lewis (who has sat beside the eminent Counsel to whom I have
just referred), it appeared to me, that it was all that experienced
lawyer could do to restrain from a burst of passionate weeping.
But here, as the occasion seems to lend itself to treatment in a
dramatic form, I take the opportunity of subjoining a slight sketch,
which I need scarcely say, is as unlike the real thing as it is possible
to be. And I distinctly declare that no one who has been in Court
will venture to doubt the assertion.
Court full. Three Commissioners all awake. Distinguished per-
sonages in various quarters—some with opera-glasses, others
with luncheon baskets. Counsel for defence gradually recovering
from extreme agitation caused by a recent description of the
wrongs of Ireland. Messrs. Murphy and Atkinson busy
collecting proofs. Attorney-General rises to cross-examine.
The Attorney- General (lifting seat and leaning on back of desk of
Junior Bar). I think you have just said it is one o’clock ?
Witness [in a low tone). If you allow me, I will explain. It is
my decided and eternally expressed impression, that were the
material products of a metaphysical atmosphere to be placed in
juxtaposition (in a louder tone as he warms to his subject) to the rents of
a self-governed country, the result would be unquestionably chaos !
The A.-G. (looking sideways at someone in the jury-box, absently).
I must repeat my question. I think, you have said it is one o’clock ?
Mr. Lockwood (interposing). Really the Witness ought to be
allowed to explain ?
A.-G. (addressing the Court in a distressed but dignified tone). I
think I have put a plain question, and am not in fault. (Mr. Lock-
wood throws an appealing glance to their Lordships, suggestive of a
desire to say more, much more, which is only restrained by the
haimting dread of seeing hiynself too frequently reported in the
newspapers). I really must ask for a plain answer. (Puckering up
his face into wrinkles, and looking earnestly at Witness). You said
it is one o’clock ?
Witness (at bay). Well, well, well! I may have said it! But I
must explain the circumstances under which I said it.
A.-G. (continuing examination). Was it one o’clock?
Witness (excitedly). I ask if this is fair! (Emphatically.) I
have no sort of wish, or kind of wish, or description of wish to con-
ceal anything. But when I admit that I said it was one o’clock, I
wish to draw a distinction between one o’clock and 12'45.
A.-G. (looking with half-closed eyes). Do you approve of 12'45 ?
Witness (rising abruptly froyyi his chair, ayid speaking with great
excitement). .No, a thousand times No! I say—and I do not wish to
detract one iota from the circumstantial necessity of a tvrant-
composed delegation of artistic sensibilities—that it is'the right of a
free nation to peruse the persecutions of an alien dynasty, and thus
cut itself off from the desperately dangerous chains of a wretched
combination of acrimonious atoms! I do not know if this view of
the subject is (with great force). right in law—but’it appears to me
(in a lower tone) to be entirely in accordance with the highest and
most noble dictates of (lowering his voice to a ivhisper) superhuman
domestic economy!
A.- G. But you admit that you said it was one o’clock ?
Witness (putting his hand to his head). I really do not know—it
may have been.
A.-G. But I must press you upon this matter (holding up his
hand to silence Mr.. Murphy, ivho is venturing upon a suggestion).
Do you not know, Sir—Yes or No—that it was one o’clock ?
Witness (starting to his feet). I say that your question is not fair.
I say that when the rifle is in the hand of the desperado, the patient
fowler listens to the frightfully horrible music of the horn of the
hunter with dismay!
A.-G. (pursing his broivs). But surely--
Mr. Lockwood (interrupting). I really must ask that the Witness
may explain himself in his own fashion. (The Attorney-General
and Mr. Atkinson consult together, while Witness heaves an audible
sigh). I am the last person in the world, my Lords, to put myself
unduly forward, but-
The President. I think that the question should be answered.
[Mr. Lockwood respectfully subsides, and devotes several minutes
of earnest study to the coynpletion of a half-finished caricature.
A.-G. (with weary satisfaction at having overcome preliminary
difficulties). And now, Sir, will you please say whether you declared
it was one o’clock ?
Witness (after a short pause for consideration). Yes, I did.
(Interrupting the Attorney-G f.neral, who is about to put another
question.) But allow me to say, that you must remember all the
terribly horrible circumstances of the distinctly desperate case. Let
me give an example. (With intense determination.) Yes, I will give
an example ! When Julius Chssar first invaded England, it is said
that he asked for some oysters, and Boadicea, who was then in
revolt-—-
A.-G. (plaintively appealing to the Bench). Surely, my Lords,
this is foreign to this issue ?
The President (mildly). Well, it is a little far afield, but perhaps
I may say-
[.Accidentally glances at clock, which points to half-past one. His
Lordship pauses, and joy fully calls the attention of his Breth-
ren to the welcome fact. The Three Commissioners rise.
General movement, and exeunt nearly everyone to lunch.
And as this seems a suitable point for breaking off in my Note, I
drop my pen, and seek a refresher myself.
Pump-handle Court. (Signed) A. Briefless, Junior.
“WAIT FOR THE WAGGON!”
Oh, who would not ride in a nice Caravan ?
For a holiday outing this surely’s the plan !
There’s a boldness about it, a dash, and a novelty,
Which really should make us the travelling hovel try.
Like the snail, you wiR carry your house where you go,
And your progress may also be snailishly slow ;
What matter ? For thus you obtain ample leisure
To observe either Nature or Man at your pleasure.
You need not depend on a landlady’s lodgings,
Or diurnally note her financial dodgings ;
Then you are not confined to a single vicinity,
But can choose just the places with which you’ve affinity.
You can see the sun rise—if the rain is not falling—
And you ’ll know the delights of a Waggon-naan’s calling.
At night-time, when tired, how pleasant ’twill be
To unharness, and feed, and rub down your Gee-gee !
If asleep, you enjoy quite a rollicking feeling
When the rain has come in through a crack in the ceiling.
Though the van-man, if hungry, it certainly riles
To hear there’s no shop within twenty-five miles.
You can cook for yourself—handle kettle and pan;
Oh, who would not invest in a nice Caravan ?
Well Thought Out.—Mr. Capper in conjunction with Mr.
Rutland have recently been giving an entertainment, of. which the
former has certainly contributed the most amusing and interesting
portion. Mr. Capper undertakes to discover a murder which only
exists in the imagination of the would-be murderer. This he accom-
plishes very successfully. It seems, therefore, almost a pity that
this accomplished gentleman is not attached to Scotland Yard, where
his services in the Criminal Investigation Department appear to be
needed, and might be of considerable value. If he was successful in
finding out the perpetrator of the Whitechapel atrocities, everybody
would take off their hats and “ cap” Capper.
MUSICAL NOTES.
Seen your SaiVa^Earty ? (Signor Morning Conrert.”'
Sara.ate!}
VOL. XCVT.