DOI Heft:
May 4, 1889
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17687#0226
216
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[May 4, 1889.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Common, Monday, April 29.—Back after Easter holi-
days ; that is, some of us are ; not nearly such rush to get hack as
there was to get off. Old Morality early in his place. “Punc-
tuality,” he says, turning over his list of new copy-book
headings collected during the Recess, “punctuality is the thief of
time. That is one of the maxims, dear Toby, that have piloted me
through the rocks and shoals of this wicked world, and led me into
the high position, the attainment of which, as I mentioned at the
dinner they gave me in the City
the other day, is a perpetual mys-
tery to me. You may, in the course
of your reading, have come across
an episode in the history of one
of the predecessors of our Gracious
Sovereign. His title was, I may
mention, George the Third.
Observing an apple-dumpling in
the tenement-house of a neigh-
bouring cottager, the mind of His
Majesty was much exercised as to
the nature of the process by which
the fruit was inducted within the
folds of the pastry. ‘ Dumpling !
Dumpling! ’ said His Good Gra-
cious. ‘ Um—um—What ? what F
what ? But how did the apple get
there, Ma’am P ’ A somewhat simi-
lar inquiry occasionally presents
itself to my mind. How did I get
here ? But being here, I can assure
you that I shall spare no effort to
do my duty to the House and to
the Country, and in all things not
incompatible with the interests of
public business I shall endeavour
to consult the convenience of Hon.
Gentlemen in all parts of the
House.”
Old Morality much enjoyed
delivery of these few remarks;
so did I, in degree ; glad to find
him in better health and bubbling spirits; fact is, I hear, things
are looking better with Irish Government, and brighter prospects
reflected on genial countenance of Old Morality. Balfour saved
his trump card till the last; did pretty well in arranging for tem-
porary withdrawal of Dr. Tanner ; but to lay Conybeare by the
heels, and open up prospect for however brief a period of delivering
House from his company, irresistible. The usual griding at Ques-
tion Time and badgering over Votes, but no heart in it. Balfour’s
sudden access of popularity prevailed; gratitude predominated over
faction. Business done.—In Supply.
The Curse of Camborne going
Prison to Roost.
HOME RULE—AND AETERP
( Vide Lord Salisbury's Speech at Bristol, last week.)
Midsummer, 1892.—Gene-
ral Election, and return of
rattling majority pledged to
Home-Bule.
Autumn, same Year.—Mir.
Gladstone, Prime Minister.
Younger than ever. Hoarse-
ness all gone.
Next Two Years.—Home-
Bule Bills being steadily
passed. Mr. Parnell ap-
pointed Eirst Lord of the
Irish Treasury, Commander-
in-Chief of Irish Volunteers,
and honorary Lord High
Admiral of Hibernian Navy.
April, 1895.—Irish Parlia-
ment deprives all Irish land-
lords of their land, without compensation, and sells half for public
purposes. SWith proceeds begins building five gigantic ironclads
and’ twenty torpedo boats in Kingstown Harbour. Mr. Gladstone,
asked in English House of Commons “whether these proceedings
causeTiim any uneasiness,” replies, “ None at all.”
Later in Year.—Outbreak of War between England, on one side,
and France, Russia, Germany, and Timbuctoo, all combined, on the
other. Mr. Gladstone (hoarseness having returned) retires to Upper
Siiv Tattm Til at?t w "Ptitvi a THtmioFav SityS ^ ^ 0 OFSTI^I
House, Sir John Morxey, Prime Minister.
believe in war as’ a general thing, but is against oppression of any
nationality in any part of the world, and will fight to the death.” Up-
roarious cheering. New Premier carried home on shoulders of mob.
January, 1896.—One of Lord High Admiral Parnell’s ironclads
seen off Liverpool. Scare on Local Exchange. All securities go
down with a run. Five leading Liverpool cotton merchants drown
themselves in Mersey.
February.—Captain Healy, in command of a fast cruiser, sails up
Avon when Fleet is away, and destroys half Bristol before anything
can be done to stop him. Panics everywhere. Commodore Tanner
takes command of a torpedo vessel, and tries to nail his flag to the
mast. Finding there is no mast to nail it to, steers straight for
mouth of Thames, and is caught by River Police trying to blow up
Houses of Parliament by a cleverly-aimed “ Whitehead.” Placed
in manacles and the Tower.
March.—Admiral Parnell in person leads an Invincible Armada
from the North Wall, Dublin, in direction of Glasgow. Inconse-
quence of several English ironclads having to watch these operations,
English Navy rather badly beaten off Yarmouth by combined Rus-
sian and French fleet. No quotations for Yarmouth bloaters. Panic
among owners of Lowestoft bathing-machines.
Later.—Irish Armada, driven by contrary winds, lands in Flint-
shire. Commander determines to bivouac in Hawarden Park. Earl
Gladstone (now rather infirm) says he is always glad to welcome
excursionists, but “ he really hardly expected this sort of thing when
he passed Home Rule.” Admiral Parnell says, “ Neither did he.”
Is very sorry, but “will be obliged to carry off the G. 0. M. to Ire-
land, unless heavy ransom offered.” Lord Gladstone suggests that
“ perhaps a better ransom could be obtained by capturing Duke of
Westminster, who lives near.” Admiral Parnell tells this to the
Irish Marines. A move made for Eaton Hall. Capture of the place,
defeat of local Volunteers, and collapse of British Empire.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
The Five Talents of Woman, by the Author of How to be Happy,
though Married. This author is a bold man. He only attributes
five talents to woman! Can
he expect to be married, f I /Lf\
and, if married, can he ex- A- /
pect to be happy in ascrib- YU ■; \
ing to them such a limited )
range of ability? But let Y
not the fair sex be frightened
by the title. Let them read
the book.
In The Wanderings of a
Globe Trotter, the Hon.
Lewis Wingfield shows us
that the Globe may be used /Jr~ -
for other purposes than an
evening newspaper, a lamp-glass, or
He demonstrates that it may have its advantages as a trotting-ground.
The present volume shows he has trotted to considerable purpose,
and though his distances may have been long and his pace rapid, he
certainly did not wear blinkers. Whether he is staying at Hong-
Kong, exploring Peking, describing the Great Wall, discoursing of
Tokio, picturing Manila, or the Sooloo Archipelago, he rarely fails to
be amusing. Especially interesting are the two chapters on play-
going in China and Japan. A bright, graphic chronicle of travel,
commendably free from statistics, guide-book literature, and tra-
veller’s trivialities. TnE Baron de Book-Worms & Co.
W
A Paper Wait.
a receptacle for gold-fish.
THE ROYAL SOCIETY OF PAINTERS IN WATER-COLOURS.
There has been a good deal of painting in water-colours during
the last few months in London. The result has been the spoiling of
a great many hats and the splashing of an infinity of garments. A
much pleasanter form of water-colour painting do we find in that
Gallery on “ the sweet sunny side of Pall Mall,” where Sir John Gil-
bert presides. It is undoubtedly situated on the pleasantest side of
the street, and the tone of the salon is emphaticaUy sunny. There is
just enough to see and not too much. Now the weather is beginning
to improve, and the trees are getting green, the opening of this
gallery is very acceptable. If you wish to have a sniff of the briny,
or a peep into the country without the trouble, expense, or waste
of time, you have only to pay your shilling, and you will be per-
sonally conducted, with the smallest amount of fatigue, to all sorts
of delightful places. Among your most notable and accomplished
travelling companions you will find Sir John Gilbert, Messrs. A. W.
Hunt, E. J. Poynter, Herbert Marshall, R. Beavis, F. Small-
feld, T. J. Watson, W. Field, Birket Foster, “ our” George du
Maurier, Holman Hunt, A. Goodwin, H. Stacy Marks, C. Gre-
gory, Cart, Haag, J. D. Watson, A. D. Fripp, Henry Moore, P.
J. Naftel, E. K. Johnson, Miss Clara Montalba, and Mrs.
Allingham. The Art-ful Dodger. -
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rul®
there will be no exception.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[May 4, 1889.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Common, Monday, April 29.—Back after Easter holi-
days ; that is, some of us are ; not nearly such rush to get hack as
there was to get off. Old Morality early in his place. “Punc-
tuality,” he says, turning over his list of new copy-book
headings collected during the Recess, “punctuality is the thief of
time. That is one of the maxims, dear Toby, that have piloted me
through the rocks and shoals of this wicked world, and led me into
the high position, the attainment of which, as I mentioned at the
dinner they gave me in the City
the other day, is a perpetual mys-
tery to me. You may, in the course
of your reading, have come across
an episode in the history of one
of the predecessors of our Gracious
Sovereign. His title was, I may
mention, George the Third.
Observing an apple-dumpling in
the tenement-house of a neigh-
bouring cottager, the mind of His
Majesty was much exercised as to
the nature of the process by which
the fruit was inducted within the
folds of the pastry. ‘ Dumpling !
Dumpling! ’ said His Good Gra-
cious. ‘ Um—um—What ? what F
what ? But how did the apple get
there, Ma’am P ’ A somewhat simi-
lar inquiry occasionally presents
itself to my mind. How did I get
here ? But being here, I can assure
you that I shall spare no effort to
do my duty to the House and to
the Country, and in all things not
incompatible with the interests of
public business I shall endeavour
to consult the convenience of Hon.
Gentlemen in all parts of the
House.”
Old Morality much enjoyed
delivery of these few remarks;
so did I, in degree ; glad to find
him in better health and bubbling spirits; fact is, I hear, things
are looking better with Irish Government, and brighter prospects
reflected on genial countenance of Old Morality. Balfour saved
his trump card till the last; did pretty well in arranging for tem-
porary withdrawal of Dr. Tanner ; but to lay Conybeare by the
heels, and open up prospect for however brief a period of delivering
House from his company, irresistible. The usual griding at Ques-
tion Time and badgering over Votes, but no heart in it. Balfour’s
sudden access of popularity prevailed; gratitude predominated over
faction. Business done.—In Supply.
The Curse of Camborne going
Prison to Roost.
HOME RULE—AND AETERP
( Vide Lord Salisbury's Speech at Bristol, last week.)
Midsummer, 1892.—Gene-
ral Election, and return of
rattling majority pledged to
Home-Bule.
Autumn, same Year.—Mir.
Gladstone, Prime Minister.
Younger than ever. Hoarse-
ness all gone.
Next Two Years.—Home-
Bule Bills being steadily
passed. Mr. Parnell ap-
pointed Eirst Lord of the
Irish Treasury, Commander-
in-Chief of Irish Volunteers,
and honorary Lord High
Admiral of Hibernian Navy.
April, 1895.—Irish Parlia-
ment deprives all Irish land-
lords of their land, without compensation, and sells half for public
purposes. SWith proceeds begins building five gigantic ironclads
and’ twenty torpedo boats in Kingstown Harbour. Mr. Gladstone,
asked in English House of Commons “whether these proceedings
causeTiim any uneasiness,” replies, “ None at all.”
Later in Year.—Outbreak of War between England, on one side,
and France, Russia, Germany, and Timbuctoo, all combined, on the
other. Mr. Gladstone (hoarseness having returned) retires to Upper
Siiv Tattm Til at?t w "Ptitvi a THtmioFav SityS ^ ^ 0 OFSTI^I
House, Sir John Morxey, Prime Minister.
believe in war as’ a general thing, but is against oppression of any
nationality in any part of the world, and will fight to the death.” Up-
roarious cheering. New Premier carried home on shoulders of mob.
January, 1896.—One of Lord High Admiral Parnell’s ironclads
seen off Liverpool. Scare on Local Exchange. All securities go
down with a run. Five leading Liverpool cotton merchants drown
themselves in Mersey.
February.—Captain Healy, in command of a fast cruiser, sails up
Avon when Fleet is away, and destroys half Bristol before anything
can be done to stop him. Panics everywhere. Commodore Tanner
takes command of a torpedo vessel, and tries to nail his flag to the
mast. Finding there is no mast to nail it to, steers straight for
mouth of Thames, and is caught by River Police trying to blow up
Houses of Parliament by a cleverly-aimed “ Whitehead.” Placed
in manacles and the Tower.
March.—Admiral Parnell in person leads an Invincible Armada
from the North Wall, Dublin, in direction of Glasgow. Inconse-
quence of several English ironclads having to watch these operations,
English Navy rather badly beaten off Yarmouth by combined Rus-
sian and French fleet. No quotations for Yarmouth bloaters. Panic
among owners of Lowestoft bathing-machines.
Later.—Irish Armada, driven by contrary winds, lands in Flint-
shire. Commander determines to bivouac in Hawarden Park. Earl
Gladstone (now rather infirm) says he is always glad to welcome
excursionists, but “ he really hardly expected this sort of thing when
he passed Home Rule.” Admiral Parnell says, “ Neither did he.”
Is very sorry, but “will be obliged to carry off the G. 0. M. to Ire-
land, unless heavy ransom offered.” Lord Gladstone suggests that
“ perhaps a better ransom could be obtained by capturing Duke of
Westminster, who lives near.” Admiral Parnell tells this to the
Irish Marines. A move made for Eaton Hall. Capture of the place,
defeat of local Volunteers, and collapse of British Empire.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
The Five Talents of Woman, by the Author of How to be Happy,
though Married. This author is a bold man. He only attributes
five talents to woman! Can
he expect to be married, f I /Lf\
and, if married, can he ex- A- /
pect to be happy in ascrib- YU ■; \
ing to them such a limited )
range of ability? But let Y
not the fair sex be frightened
by the title. Let them read
the book.
In The Wanderings of a
Globe Trotter, the Hon.
Lewis Wingfield shows us
that the Globe may be used /Jr~ -
for other purposes than an
evening newspaper, a lamp-glass, or
He demonstrates that it may have its advantages as a trotting-ground.
The present volume shows he has trotted to considerable purpose,
and though his distances may have been long and his pace rapid, he
certainly did not wear blinkers. Whether he is staying at Hong-
Kong, exploring Peking, describing the Great Wall, discoursing of
Tokio, picturing Manila, or the Sooloo Archipelago, he rarely fails to
be amusing. Especially interesting are the two chapters on play-
going in China and Japan. A bright, graphic chronicle of travel,
commendably free from statistics, guide-book literature, and tra-
veller’s trivialities. TnE Baron de Book-Worms & Co.
W
A Paper Wait.
a receptacle for gold-fish.
THE ROYAL SOCIETY OF PAINTERS IN WATER-COLOURS.
There has been a good deal of painting in water-colours during
the last few months in London. The result has been the spoiling of
a great many hats and the splashing of an infinity of garments. A
much pleasanter form of water-colour painting do we find in that
Gallery on “ the sweet sunny side of Pall Mall,” where Sir John Gil-
bert presides. It is undoubtedly situated on the pleasantest side of
the street, and the tone of the salon is emphaticaUy sunny. There is
just enough to see and not too much. Now the weather is beginning
to improve, and the trees are getting green, the opening of this
gallery is very acceptable. If you wish to have a sniff of the briny,
or a peep into the country without the trouble, expense, or waste
of time, you have only to pay your shilling, and you will be per-
sonally conducted, with the smallest amount of fatigue, to all sorts
of delightful places. Among your most notable and accomplished
travelling companions you will find Sir John Gilbert, Messrs. A. W.
Hunt, E. J. Poynter, Herbert Marshall, R. Beavis, F. Small-
feld, T. J. Watson, W. Field, Birket Foster, “ our” George du
Maurier, Holman Hunt, A. Goodwin, H. Stacy Marks, C. Gre-
gory, Cart, Haag, J. D. Watson, A. D. Fripp, Henry Moore, P.
J. Naftel, E. K. Johnson, Miss Clara Montalba, and Mrs.
Allingham. The Art-ful Dodger. -
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rul®
there will be no exception.