Punch: Punch (96.1889)

May 18, 1889.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

233

STEAMING AT HIGH PRESSURE.

Being a further Blow-off a la Blowitz.

I AM naturally a modest man, but I am not disposed to underrate
my calling of journalist, which, take it as a whole, is about the most
exalted position in this world that any man of distinction and intel-
ligence can be called upon to occupy. And I am, par excellence, the
journalist of journalists. I do not boast
of this, I merely state a simple fact,

\ and when I condescend to button-hole
S an Emperor or distinguished diploma-
tist, they know well enough which of
us two the world regards as honoured
hy the interview. But let that pass.
Suffice it to say that, hearing there
was to be a European Congress at
Berlin, it struck me it would be a
unique feat in journalism to publish
the text of the treaty in extenso in the
columns of the paper I represented the
dap before it was finally settled by the
Congress itself. I saw that this would
surprise somebody, and I was right.
However, I knew that I had only to
will to do it, to carry it out, and, as
a preliminary step, I hurried to St. Petersburg to see the Cza r.
Letting myself into the Winter Palace with my own latchkey, I soon
found myself in the private apartments, and, entering without
knocking, as is my wont, discovered His Majesty seated in his study
in his dressing-gown partaking of a light luncheon.

“Come in, Goitz, my boy!” he said, greeting me effusively,
and pouring me out a glass of viski, and offering me a cigarette.
“ And what may be your best news? You know your visits are
always a most delightful experience to me.”

“ Quite so,” I replied, smiling. “ But look here, your Majesty—”
And then I detailed the scheme of my proposed journalistic feat in a
few well-chosen words to him, and he was all attention.

“ Certainly,” he said, after listening courteously to what I had to
say ; “I see exactly what you want, and will unquestionably help
you in any way I can. How, by the way, would you like to attend
the Congress instead of Kortakoff, who can easily have a had cold ?
In his clothes, with a little disguise, you could make up like him.
Shall I drop him a line ? ”

“ So do, Sire,” I replied, slapping the Czar on the back; “ you
are a trump. And if there is anything I can do for your Majesty in
Central Asia, or Poland, or elsewhere,” I added, “ you have only got
to let me know.”

The interview ended after this, and I returned to Berlin with the
Czar’s autograph letter sewn for safety into the back of my coat.
After this it was all plain sailing. I called on Kortakoff and
gave him the Czar’s letter. He nodded as he read it. “ Very well,”
he said, “I am quite game. I’ll come to your hotel. We will
change clothes, and you shall lock me up in your room, every day,
till you come back.”

So our programme was carried out. I attended the Congress, and
though the Turkish Representative, who had met Kortakoff at
St. Petersburg, stared hard at me, and said I had “ grown so fat,”
he should hardly have known me, yet I managed to pass muster
fairly, though I noticed the Chancellor several times had his eye on
me. And as matters turned out, I found I had not imposed on him,
for after the second sitting, he touched me on the shoulder, and with
a significant wink, said, “ I say, Prince, aword with you in private.”

As soon as he had shut the door of the retiring room to which we
had adjourned, he burst out into a loud guffaw, and continued,
“Well, Goitz, my boy! what on earth does this mean? You
didn’t think you could do me, did you ? Why, I spotted you, the
moment you opened your mouth. Well, what’s your little game, eh ? ”

I explained the situation forthwith to him, and solicited his
assistance. He promised me this in the most flattering and com-
plimentary terms. “Well, Goitz, my boy,” he said, “if it had
been anybody else than you, I don’t think I should care to connive
at the business, but as you are in yourself such an important
European factor, and have got the German Empire, and I may add, I
myself, out of so many scrapes,—well, you certainly can count on me
to keep my counsel and see you through with it.”

And Prince Bismarck kept his word. And so acting for Russia, I
drew up the concluding articles of the Treaty and worded the pre-
amble, which had been sent on to me that very afternoon from
Printing House Square, ivhere it was already set up in type, and so
it came about that I was enabled to publish in the Times of Friday,
the text of the Treaty that was not definitely settled hy the Congress
till Saturday, thereby accomplishing a feat in journalism which I
apprehend it will take the record some time to beat. I flatter myself,
by doing this, I rather astonished the whole civilised world. But as
I hinted at the beginning of this article, I am a very remarkable man.

Parson {to Candidate for Sunday School). “Have you been Chris-
tened, my Boy ?”

Boy. “Yesh, Shir. Got Marks in three plashes on my Left
Arm 1 ”

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

Cheap Butcher’s Meat.—It was certainly a happy idea of yours
to dispense with the Middleman by making that arrangement with
the Dorsetshire farmer you mention, to send you up a live bullock to
divide with your three friends every fortnight; but the arrival of the
beast at your house while you were giving a small dinner-party,
coupled with the fact that owing to the refusal of the railway people
to call again with it in the morning it had to be left in the front hall
and pass the night in your study, must, as you say, have occasioned
you considerable inconvenience. There are, of course, several ways
of killing the creature, and if you think you can manage it, we should
advise you by all means to pole-axe it. Eailing this, you had perhaps
better fall back on the revolver, or, as you seem rather inclined to
it, you might try an overdose of chloroform as you suggest. But
you are certainly not bound, as far as we can see, to dispose of the
creature yourself. Yes, by all means, place it on the top of a four-
wheeler, and take it in turn to the houses of your three friends, and
see whether you cannot arrange for its slaughter and division at one
or other of their premises. If the worst comes to the worst, you can
but show a bold front, pay the cabman and leave it. This may
possibly lead to some disagreeables; perhaps, to a summons and some
further legal expenses, but still you can satisfy yourself that you
have at least got rid of the exorbitant profits realised by your butcher.
We shall be glad to hear from you when the whole matter is satis-
factorily concluded, and you have settled the bill of your lawyers,
how much you reckon that the meat has cost you per pound.

Utilising a Funereal Prize.—We are not surprised to hear
that you have been at some doubts as to the best way of turning to
account the hearse which you mention that you have lately won in
a raffle ; but we think that your idea of taking the top off, cutting
it down, painting it a bright emerald green, and letting it out as a
pleasure van, is certainly worthy of consideration. We are only
afraid that even after undergoing this gala transformation its shape
might still be somewhat suggestive of its previous use, and possibly
cast a gloom on a party of thoughtful merry-makers, which would,
of course, be a decided drawback to its utilisation for such a purpose.
But why not get a pot of Aspinael’s Red Enamel, give it a coat,
and offer it to the Authorities for the conveyance service of the
Parcels Post ? Your alternative fancy for keeping it as it is, and
letting it be quietly known among your friends that in the event
of the decease of any of them, you will only be too happy to place
it at their disposal, shows a considerate and kindly spirit, but we
cannot but think that the offer would be misunderstood and resented.
Probably only the eye of an undertaker would detect the vehicle in
its new disguise; and the matter, if only regarded in the light of
an interesting experiment, certainly seems worth a trial. Send it to
your coach-builder’s, and have it put in hand at once.

VOL. xcvi.

X