DOI Heft:
June 22, 1889
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17687#0316
308
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAEIVAEL [June 22, 1889.
THE AUTOMATIC POLICEMAN.
Put a Penny in the Slot, and he Stops the Traffic.
A PACIFIC LAY.
“ The American Consul in the Society Islands, Consul Doxy, has just married the beautiful
but dusky Princess Polona.”—Daily Paper.
Mr. Doty was an enterprising Yankee,
An aggressive, imiierious, go-ahead sort of cuss ;
In New York he frequently became rather moody (hut
not particularly Sankey),
Because the place offered no scope to his undoubted
geni-us.
He said to himself, ‘ ‘ I am in rather a ticklish position,
If I stay here, I may he driven to some desperate
deed;
I may become a murderer—or even a politician,
Though naturally to the son of scrupulously honest
parents (that’s me) the latter possibility is horrible
to contemplate, unless one were in absolute need.”
So Mr. Doty went off to the White House, and asked for
a berth,
Although, having already been born once, it was
rather unfair of him to expect to have it all over
again; [earth ;
He got one, however, as a Consul at the ends of the
And, having a good eye to the main chance, he determined to chance the perils
of the main.
He arrived at the Society Islands in perfect safety,
And seeing a comely Princess, bethought himself of a Safety Match !
“As an American Consul,” he soliloquised with remarkable naivete,
“ I have a right to some Consul-ation, and I fancy I’m rather a catch.”
The wooing was short, in accordance with the habits of the nation,
For Consul Doty just told the King he doted on his Burnt-Um-herish girl;
And his Majesty treated the matter as an official communication,
And regretted that all the dowry he could afford was one exceptionally fine pearl.
So, married they were ; but the Bridegroom thought he had been a trifle hasty,
When his Father-in-law explained the usual rites where a cannibal Princess is
wed ;
And Princess Polona herself boxed his ears in the vestry,
Because he had not provided some plump relations (cold) for the nuptial spread.
However, they served up his best man (a Arankee friend)
as a tasty side-dish,
And the Princess’s “ going-away dress” was exclusively
composed of the teeth of some lively sharks,
And when the Consul succeeds to the kingship of the Can-
nibal Islands—if such be his wish—
He may be more inclined than he is at present to think
that his alliance with the beautiful but carnivorous
Princess Polona was rather larks!
“ LE EOOTE-BALLE ”
Offices of the Athletic Convention, Paris.
Monsieur,,—Having already expressed my views as to
the capabilities possessed by “Le Cricquette” for becoming
a national game worthy the attention of the young sport-
ing gentlemen of our modern France, I now turn me to
the consideration of your “ Foote-Balle.”
I have examined the apparatus for the play you have
so kindly sent over,—the great leathern bag of wind
which is kicked, “ les Groalpoles,” and the regulations for
the playing of the game, and have seen your fifteen pro-
fessional County “kicksmen” engage,—I shudder as I
recall the terrible sight,—in a contest, horrible, mur-
derous, and demoniacal, with an equal number of my un-
happy compatriots, alas! in their enthusiasm and elan,
ignorant of the deadly struggle that awaited them in the
game in which they were about innocently to join. To
witness the savage rush of your professional kicksmen
was terrifying, and when, in displaying “ le scrimmage,”
they scattered, with the kicks of their legs, my fainting
compatriots, who fell lamed and wounded in all directions,
I said to myself, this “Foote-Balle” is not a pastime, it
is an encounter of wild beasts, “ un vrai carnage,” fit to
be played, not by civilised sporting gentlemen, but by
cannibals.
But let me explain that it is not the kick to which I
object, for is not le coup de pied the national defence of
France ? Indeed, in your own fist contest in “ Le Boxe-
Match,” is not to deliver a kick in the jaw of your
antagonist considered a meritorious coup, showing great
skill in the boxe-man ? And do not our own garqons de
college kick a confrere when he is “ down,” and point to
the circumstance with a legitimate pride and satisfac-
tion P Ho, it is not le coup de pied which makes horrible
“Le Foote-Balle,” but the conspiracy organised of the
kicksmen—Les Demidos (the ’alf-baeks), Les En Avants
(the Forwards), and the “ Groal-keeperes”—all to kick
the leathern bag of wind at once, and so produce a
murderous melee, in which arms, legs, ribs, thighs, necks,
and spines are all broken together, and may be heard
simultaneously cracking by any of the terror-struck but
helpless spectators who are watching the ghastly contest.
Yiewing the game under this aspect, you will not be
surprised to hear that my Committee have, as they did
in dealing with “ Le Cricquette” revised the rules and
regulations for the playing of your “ Foote-Balle,” so as
to suit it to the tastes and requirements of the rising
generation of our Modern France. I cannot at present
furnish you with full details of the suggested modifica-
tions, but I may inform you that it has been unanimously
decided that the “ Balle,” which is to be of “ some light,
airy, floating material, and three times its present size,”
is not to be touched by the foot at all, but struck lightly
by the palm of the hand, and thus wafted harmlessly,
with a smart smack, over the heads of the combatants.
As to costume, the game is to be played in white satin
bed-room slippers, with (as a protection in the event,
spite every possible precaution, of “ le scrimmage ”
arising) feather pillows strapped over the knees and chest.
It is calculated by our Committee that the savage pro ■
clivities of the game, as fostered by the terrible rules of
your murderous ‘‘ Rugby Association,” will be thus, in
some measure, counteracted.
Hoping soon to hear from you on the subject of your
Courses d'Eau, as I shall doubtless have some sugges-
tions to make in reference to the conduct of your aquatic
contests, receive, Monsieur, the assurance of my most
distinguished consideration,
The Secretary to the Congress.
Musical Hote.—A song, called “ Though Wisdom Bids
Me Forget,” by H. Klein, is effective if, on being asked,
you can sing it; if not, “ D. Klein with thanks.”
Ky* NOTICE.—Dejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of- any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
there will he no exception.
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAEIVAEL [June 22, 1889.
THE AUTOMATIC POLICEMAN.
Put a Penny in the Slot, and he Stops the Traffic.
A PACIFIC LAY.
“ The American Consul in the Society Islands, Consul Doxy, has just married the beautiful
but dusky Princess Polona.”—Daily Paper.
Mr. Doty was an enterprising Yankee,
An aggressive, imiierious, go-ahead sort of cuss ;
In New York he frequently became rather moody (hut
not particularly Sankey),
Because the place offered no scope to his undoubted
geni-us.
He said to himself, ‘ ‘ I am in rather a ticklish position,
If I stay here, I may he driven to some desperate
deed;
I may become a murderer—or even a politician,
Though naturally to the son of scrupulously honest
parents (that’s me) the latter possibility is horrible
to contemplate, unless one were in absolute need.”
So Mr. Doty went off to the White House, and asked for
a berth,
Although, having already been born once, it was
rather unfair of him to expect to have it all over
again; [earth ;
He got one, however, as a Consul at the ends of the
And, having a good eye to the main chance, he determined to chance the perils
of the main.
He arrived at the Society Islands in perfect safety,
And seeing a comely Princess, bethought himself of a Safety Match !
“As an American Consul,” he soliloquised with remarkable naivete,
“ I have a right to some Consul-ation, and I fancy I’m rather a catch.”
The wooing was short, in accordance with the habits of the nation,
For Consul Doty just told the King he doted on his Burnt-Um-herish girl;
And his Majesty treated the matter as an official communication,
And regretted that all the dowry he could afford was one exceptionally fine pearl.
So, married they were ; but the Bridegroom thought he had been a trifle hasty,
When his Father-in-law explained the usual rites where a cannibal Princess is
wed ;
And Princess Polona herself boxed his ears in the vestry,
Because he had not provided some plump relations (cold) for the nuptial spread.
However, they served up his best man (a Arankee friend)
as a tasty side-dish,
And the Princess’s “ going-away dress” was exclusively
composed of the teeth of some lively sharks,
And when the Consul succeeds to the kingship of the Can-
nibal Islands—if such be his wish—
He may be more inclined than he is at present to think
that his alliance with the beautiful but carnivorous
Princess Polona was rather larks!
“ LE EOOTE-BALLE ”
Offices of the Athletic Convention, Paris.
Monsieur,,—Having already expressed my views as to
the capabilities possessed by “Le Cricquette” for becoming
a national game worthy the attention of the young sport-
ing gentlemen of our modern France, I now turn me to
the consideration of your “ Foote-Balle.”
I have examined the apparatus for the play you have
so kindly sent over,—the great leathern bag of wind
which is kicked, “ les Groalpoles,” and the regulations for
the playing of the game, and have seen your fifteen pro-
fessional County “kicksmen” engage,—I shudder as I
recall the terrible sight,—in a contest, horrible, mur-
derous, and demoniacal, with an equal number of my un-
happy compatriots, alas! in their enthusiasm and elan,
ignorant of the deadly struggle that awaited them in the
game in which they were about innocently to join. To
witness the savage rush of your professional kicksmen
was terrifying, and when, in displaying “ le scrimmage,”
they scattered, with the kicks of their legs, my fainting
compatriots, who fell lamed and wounded in all directions,
I said to myself, this “Foote-Balle” is not a pastime, it
is an encounter of wild beasts, “ un vrai carnage,” fit to
be played, not by civilised sporting gentlemen, but by
cannibals.
But let me explain that it is not the kick to which I
object, for is not le coup de pied the national defence of
France ? Indeed, in your own fist contest in “ Le Boxe-
Match,” is not to deliver a kick in the jaw of your
antagonist considered a meritorious coup, showing great
skill in the boxe-man ? And do not our own garqons de
college kick a confrere when he is “ down,” and point to
the circumstance with a legitimate pride and satisfac-
tion P Ho, it is not le coup de pied which makes horrible
“Le Foote-Balle,” but the conspiracy organised of the
kicksmen—Les Demidos (the ’alf-baeks), Les En Avants
(the Forwards), and the “ Groal-keeperes”—all to kick
the leathern bag of wind at once, and so produce a
murderous melee, in which arms, legs, ribs, thighs, necks,
and spines are all broken together, and may be heard
simultaneously cracking by any of the terror-struck but
helpless spectators who are watching the ghastly contest.
Yiewing the game under this aspect, you will not be
surprised to hear that my Committee have, as they did
in dealing with “ Le Cricquette” revised the rules and
regulations for the playing of your “ Foote-Balle,” so as
to suit it to the tastes and requirements of the rising
generation of our Modern France. I cannot at present
furnish you with full details of the suggested modifica-
tions, but I may inform you that it has been unanimously
decided that the “ Balle,” which is to be of “ some light,
airy, floating material, and three times its present size,”
is not to be touched by the foot at all, but struck lightly
by the palm of the hand, and thus wafted harmlessly,
with a smart smack, over the heads of the combatants.
As to costume, the game is to be played in white satin
bed-room slippers, with (as a protection in the event,
spite every possible precaution, of “ le scrimmage ”
arising) feather pillows strapped over the knees and chest.
It is calculated by our Committee that the savage pro ■
clivities of the game, as fostered by the terrible rules of
your murderous ‘‘ Rugby Association,” will be thus, in
some measure, counteracted.
Hoping soon to hear from you on the subject of your
Courses d'Eau, as I shall doubtless have some sugges-
tions to make in reference to the conduct of your aquatic
contests, receive, Monsieur, the assurance of my most
distinguished consideration,
The Secretary to the Congress.
Musical Hote.—A song, called “ Though Wisdom Bids
Me Forget,” by H. Klein, is effective if, on being asked,
you can sing it; if not, “ D. Klein with thanks.”
Ky* NOTICE.—Dejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of- any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
there will he no exception.