Punch: Punch (32.1857)

2

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 3, 1857.

MARY ANN'S NOTIONS.

ear Mr. Punch,—I wish
you a happy new year>1 I
consider that you ought to
have printed the letter I
sent to vou from the country
about the man who starved
his child. It was very well
written, and not the least
bit in the world too strong.2
You are much too fastidious,
and I can tell you that your
lady-readers would like you
a great deal better if you
did not affect to be so
dreadfully moderate and
just.3 We do not care
about moderation and jus-
tice,4 and we like heart.5
There is a scolding for you,
because you have suppres-
sed my nice letter.

" I have heard nothing
but talk about the Income-
Tax for more than a week.
I quite understand the
question, and I wonder
that there can be two opinions about it.6 It is most ridiculous to talk
of one person's being taxed more than another, if the incomes are
the same. A hundred sovereigns are (or is, which is it ?7) a hundred
sovereigns, and while you receive them, that is your income, and when
you do not receive them you cease to have that income.8 So that
people ought to pay and not make a fuss. Besides, what meanness
it is in men to dispute about such sums. What is sixteen pence to
a man who earns hundreds ? Why Augustus gives eight pence apiece
for cigars, and by leaving off two of those he would pay sixteen pence
at once, not that the Govermnent will get much out of him, an idle
creature! And then, if sixteen pence in a hundred pounds9 is such
a tax, why don't you work harder and earn a little more, and pay the
tax out of that ? I have no patience with such nonsense. But men
must have something to grumble and growl at. Presently you will
complain that the Queen wears a gold crown, and will vote that she
ought to have an electrotype one.10

"There was a very sensible thing said in the paper ou Saturday

while ' a light sherry,' or something with as much flavour as camomile
tea, is good enough for their wives. How a husband can drink port
wine at five guineas a bin18 or whatever it is, while his wife very likely
wants new furniture or some other necessary, is to me marvellous!
But if a husband retrenches his tailor and wine-merchant, and leaves
off tobacco, he may put away money enough to pay the Income-Tax
without electrotyping the Queen's crown, or making his wife ashamed
of his meanness.

" ' Ought to enjoy himself ?' Of course, he ought. What does he
marry for, except because he thinks it will make him happier? But
let him enjoy himself rationally. If he saved his money m the way I
mention, he could keep a little Brougham for his wife, and they could
have drives together, if my lord would condescend to honour her with
his company. Let him come home, too, in the evening, as soon as his
work is done, and read a novel to her, or take her to the Opera (orders
are easily got, I know, if he is too mean to pay), or to a concert. Or
if they only walk up and down and look at the shops, it is better than
his sitting in the smoking-room of a club, drinking gin-slings and
hearing stories which can in no way concern him, and only give him a
bad opinion of woman's nature, which would be perfect if you all did
not spoil it by flattering hypocrisy before marriage and rudeness and
neglect afterwards. If a husband led the life I have advised, he would
not come home complaining that the ' demands on his physical powers
were excessive;' indeed he would find new interest m his business,
because there would be no other excitement to occupy his mind, and
I dare say he would soon be rich, and able to take her19 a country
house.

" I hope that we shall hear no more nonsense about the Income-
Tax, but that men will make up then minds to work harder, and save
more. Of course a person who has to work for his living ought not to
pay like a person whose hving is in the Bank, or has estates;20 but
this is an easy matter of arithmetic that might be settled in five
minutes, only you like better to grumble.

" Yours, affectionately,
" Monday" " Mary Ann."

1 The same to yon, dear, and many of them.

2 Once more, Miss, no dictation to Us. Besides, what do you call strong, if not a
suggestion that a man should be hanged over a slow fire and flogged to death, and
transported. You were in a natural rage at reading of an act of cruelty, and wrote
your rage down. We burned it.

3 Mere spitefulness.

4 True; but to be regretted.

5 So do we ; and, by the way, a wine-glass of catsup, or of port-wine in the gravy
is a great improvement. The force-meat cannot be too rich, mind that.

6 We know somebody with two, and a good little girl she is.

7 None of your flippancy—find the rule and apply it.
This proposition we cordially admit.

man, or, to take a shorter date, till the end of time.

10 Women's hypotheses are always useless and often impertinent.

11 A neat hint to Papa to call on Mr. Sams.

12 Mary Ann, how vulgar. Say "who finds time for inactivity."

13 Do you know any single sisters of these remarkable women? Becaiu c we have
sous, and ask the question for a reason.

14 Not long, at all events, in accepting the invitation,

15 Ah !

16 Ah !

17 You said that you knew good wine from bad, or we promise you that never a
line of yours should have appeared in these columns.

18 "That pretty bin," as Shakspeare says, indicates imperfect information, M a.

19 Her ! We are not particular with you, but really you must bring your relatives
and antecedents closer.

2U Look at Note S, and your text. We expect explanation and apology in your
uext letter.

morning. Papa, in his condescending Parliamentary way, dear old 9 Ah! if it were only that, Sir G.c. L. might phmder us till he became a states-
thing, handed Mamma and me the Times, instead of keeping i1 all break-
fast, saying,' I observe that a considerable portion of to-day's impression
is devoted to an analysis of the Christmas entertainments provided at
the metropolitan places of public amusement, and as this may have an
interest for yourselves, my loves, which I am free to confess it does not
possess for me, I beg leave to lay the paper on the table.' But I have
to say that I did not read all the accounts of the pantomimes, because
I hate to know what I am going to see,11 and I did read one of the
political articles, and I was struck with a bit of advice which it gave to
men who are so dreadfully afraid that they shall not be rich enough to
support their wives and children. It was something like this, 'Let a
young gentleman work a great deal harder than he does. It will not
kill him. And let him do without a great many things that he thinks
are necessaries but which are not.'

"I should think so. Bless me, look at the quantity of work that
women do, without making such a deal of complaint about it. Why,
I hardly know a married woman with a family who is not on her legs12
from morning to night, and when she sits down it is only to begin
stitching and mending, and making, and darning.13 xVnd at night do
you find her sinking into a chair in a lackadaiscal manner, mewing out
that, 'the stretch upon her physical powers has been considerable,'
and sending everybody to bed that the room may be quiet, and hinting
that she must really have a little respite and fresh ah* P Not a bit of it •
and if her husband came in after she had had ever such a day, and told
her to put on her bonnet and come to the theatre, how long would she
be about it ?14 The fact is, my dear Mr. Punch, men ruin then consti-
tutions with smoking and Greenwich, and late hours, (not that being
up late in proper places is any harm 15) and then they are not fit for
the business of Hie, and fancy that ' the average demands upon their
physical powers are excessive.' I have heard that rubbish, and it
means that you are a set of idle pigs.

" The other hint about doing without a good many things that you
really do not want, was very good indeed. Now, there are tailors'
bills. _ A man must dress as a gentleman, or he would not be fit to go
out with his wife,1^ but a married man cannot dress too plainly, and if
lie takes care of his things he ought not to want many suits in a year.

LORD PALMERSTON A "BRICK."

The Herald declares that the Prime Minister and the people of
England are squally in a disgraced position. The Premier for his
utterance of wretched excuses in the matter of the Conference, and the
people for the ignorant greediness with which they swallow them.
Our daily teacher then puts forth the following profound apologue :—

" We have heard of a shark which once swallowed a heated brick wrapped in a
greasy blanket, and naturally underwent some very severe internal revolutions.
Let the public beware of a similar result."

But has not the public any antidote? Granted that the public
swallows the heated brick Palmerston in a greasy blanket; has not
the public its daily remedy in the wet blanket issued every morning in
the Herald? ____

A Hint to the Crystal Palace Directors

Amongst the plaster statues commemorative of commerce and
geography, set up along the great terrace, suppose Mr. Eerguson
were to have erected an Africa, not in plaster of Paris, but hewn out
of "Living Stone."

Then, smoking he ought to give up entirely, it is an acquired habit, and j An Exasperating Necessity.—People grumble at the probable
highly ^ pernicious. As for wine, there might be great saving there. j cost of the new expedition against Persia. As if it were possible to
Men like 'their own wine,'17 and give wicked sums of money for it, arrive at '"Erat" without granting a present "Sum."