Punch: Punch (32.1857)

January 17, 1857.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

27

SPIRITS BY RETAIL,

COMMUNICATIONS with the SPIRIT OF WASHINGTON for
Oracular Revelation of public fact and duty; responses tendered relative to
Executive or Governmental, State or Diplomatic, National or Personal questions on
affairs of moment for their more ready and appropriate solution, and the special use
of official, Congressional, and editorial intelligence. Address " Washington Medium,"
Post Office, box 628, Washington, D.C. No letter (except for an interview) will be
answered unless it encloses one dollar, and only the first five questions of any letter
with but one dollar will have a reply. Number your questions and preserve copies
of them.

This, Mr. Punch begs to repeat, is no hoax devised by any gentle-
man connected with him. The Times quotes it from an American local
journal not specifying the locality. We would suggest Gotham, U.S.
The spirits who are in the habit of communicating with the Washing-
ton Medium, apparently inspire him with information on all manner of
important subjects but one. They do not tell him how to make money
quickly, or he would not be under the necessity of selling their super-
natural wisdom by retail so petty as that of a dollar's worth at a time.
It must take him a long while to extract many dollars from the
pockets of even the Executive, Governmental, Diplomatic persons,
statesmen, and private simpletons, who constitute the population of
that Yankee Gotham, of which he appears to be one of the Wizards, or
Wise Men.

SIR ROBERT PEEL'S DESCENT ON MOSCOW!

Sra Charles Napier (friend and, as he hopes, fellow-exhibitor
of Sir Robert Peel) presents his compliments to all Committees,
Principals, Secretaries, and that Sort of Thing, of all Saloons, Music-
halls, Institutions, and So Forth, and begs to inform 'em that he is
about to offer an Engagement to Sir Robert Peel, Bait., to join
him in a Course of Entertainments, for a manly set-to atween 'em
in the Metropolis of London and the Provinces generally. As differ-
ence of opinion should never separate friends, for that very reason
the old sailor thinks that Sir Charles and Sir Robert should go
together. Their ages may differ, but so do their abilities, and their
claims upon the patronage of an Enlightened British Public. Whdst
Sir Robert can do the tumbling, Sir Charles won't turn his back
upon nothing rough. As in the good old times of our grandmothers
there was nothing like the show of the monkey and the dromedary, so
in this Card it is the humble but hearty desire of Sir C. N. to bring
back the good old days of his ancestors with the helping-hand of
Sir R. P. With this view as an object. Sir Charles Napier will
give at once a short notice of the entertainment which himself and his
gallant junior friend of the Admiralty (if he will allow him so to call
him, and if he won't, it doesn't much matter) will be ready at the
shortest notice, in any place, to project before the public.

PART I.

Will open with Sir C. N. and Sir R. P. on the deck of " one of those
magnificent vessels which," as Sir R. P. observes, " ploughs the ocean
like Queens : " not that Sir C. N.—although a bit of a farmer—ever
saw a queen at the plough in all his life. Passing Cronstadt, there will

ensue a little lively patter between the parties, a song then to be sung
by Sir Robert in the character of Cronstadt to the old words of—" Take
me while I'm in the humour; " to conclude with a cutlass combat which
will be supposed to land the exhibitors at St. Petersburg.

A street in St. Petersburg will introduce my gifted friend Sir
Robert with a weather-glass under his arm. He will sit down upon
the monolith—which he says is " the biggest stone in the world,"—and
to show the variety of the temperature will be friz to it in five minutes.
This accident will bring out the real friendliness of the Ruskys in the
shape of an old woman with a boiling tea-kettle which will thaw Sir
Robert afore you can cry scoldings.

We shall then be invited into the Winter Palace to see the Crown
jewels ; faithful models of which have been taken and will be carried
round by Sir Robert on a gilt dish for the inspection of the ladies.
Sir Robert will be prepared for any question that may or may not be
put. Returning to the stage, Sir Robert will sing a song, in which
the admiral will be playfully badgered for not having brought home the
emerald from the sceptre for the sword-handle of Prince Albert. We
shall then exhibit two portraits of the Grand Dure Constantine, on
the truly British principle of hearing both sides. There will be my Duke,
and Sir Robert's Duke. Ladies may choose atween 'em. This part
will conclude with a grand dinner, Sir Robert—like Leporello in Don
Giovanni—showing how he dined at £60 a-head, and even then hadn't
a belly-full. The total amount of the bill will be given in fireworks,
which will conclude Part I.

PART II.

Arrival at Moscow, we are drawn by Eour Grey Horses at five-and-
twenty pounds a leg to our destination. Sir Robert, puffing a cigar
in his lively way, in the face of a policeman is all but speared like a
grampus by the Peeler's three-pronged fork. Off for the fair at
Nishnei, Sir Robert singing an entirely new song, " If I had an
Arab what wouldn't go." I rightful state of postdions ; no saddle—no
nothing. Sir Robert asks 'em "If they didn't wish themselves
cherubims," when the coachman knocks 'em off their perch for not
giving a civil answer. True British Humanity! Sir Robert lets
fall a tear on the unfortunate, and drops 'em a rouble. Sir Robert
shows to a discerning public " how he never enjoyed anything so much."
Great discovery at Nishnei. Sir Robert finds "a brick" in the
shape of a Governor; which he will make the subject of a lecture, a
comic song, and a hornpipe. Portraits of lovely Circassians, and im-
minent danger of Sir Robert, when his friend and companion, Sir
Charles comes to his rescue, and carries him safely off. Sir Robert
in the character of a Tea-totaller. _ He buys 3,0001bs. of tea for home
consumption, a general election being expected in the summer. At the
grand fair of Nishnei, Sir Robert meets a Scotch lassie, and to the
delight of the " brick" of a Governor, dances a Highland-fling with
her. Splendid view of the Coronation at Moscow; with portraits,
painted oy Sir Robert. Count Morny, as a picture-cleaner, and
the Belgian Ambassador as a cheesemonger. The Empress of
Russia dishevelled, and the grand smash of her crown! The whole
to conclude with fireworks that, duly going out, and succeeded by a
steady electric light, will show "Sir Robert Peel reposing in the
lap of Britannia," Sir Charles Napier, his friend and companion,
on this occasion only, feeding him with spoon victuals.

Full particulars will be described in future bills. In the mean-
time all parties desiring to treat, will address either to Sir Robert
Peel, Bart., Drayton; or to Sir Charles Napier, Reform Club; or
both.

"Beds of Justice" at Berlin.

The Scythians, as Sterne informs us in Tristram Shandy, used to
hold their discussions under two opposite conditions ; the state of
sobriety and that of intoxication. They debated then affairs, first
drunk, that their counsels might not lack vigour; and then sober, m
order that their resolutions might not be wanting in discretion. King
Clicquot is evidently a descendant of the ancient Scythians but as
vet he seems to have acted, in the business of Neufchatel, after the
manner of his ancestors in part only. He meditates vigorous measures
against Switzerland; but he has not yet revolved these under the cir-
cumstances which are necessary to render them discreet.

to palestine from gaol.

Whither to transport our convicts is now the anxious question of
every social politician. The Hebrides have been proposed for the site
of a penal settlement—but would it not be better if we could send all
our rogues to Jericho ? _

The Most Difficult Problem of all.—To Square the Circle of
a Lady's dress. N.B. A poor husband says, he has been trying the
experiment on his wife's milliners, bills, and for the life of him he
canuot make them square at all.