Punch: Punch (32.1857)

May 16, 1857.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

199

voured. by manoeuvres with his hat, to make Sir Charles compre-
hend the real question, and the Transit's position, but in vain, and
Mb.. James Wilson looked very unhappy at seeing a good hat treated
so unfairly. Mr. Spooner gave notice that he would renew his
Mayn--

[Eighteen compositors having successively fainted away in attempts
to "set up" the sentence thus commenced, Mr. Punch, in com-
pliance with the dictates of humanity, orders his establishment to
desist from the fearful task.

BARNUM'S BEST PLAN.

N advertisement, headed " Bar-
num Engaged," announces that
the dwarf called Ton Thumb
" has engaged his former guard-
ian, the world-renowned P. T.
Barnum, to exhibit him at his
morning entertainment." In-
stead of falling back upon Tom
Thumb, why does not Barnum
go ahead, and supply the demand
of the gaping public with as-
tounding novelty ? How can he
have failed to get hold of his
countryman, the medium, Mr.
Hume ? Here is a genuine
Yankee Owen Glendower,
whose spirits, according to
Roman and Anglo-Catholic
newspapers, actually do come
when he does call for them;
carry about and ring hand-bells,
play tunes on accordions and
pianos, make books fly and tables
dance, tickle knees, pick people's
pockets, extinguish and relight
candles, and cause any ladyor
gentleman desirous of trying
the experiment to shake hands
with a mysterious cold-handed
something. This is the man for
Mr. Barnum's money, con-
sidering the money which Mr.
Barnltm might make through
his means. Or Barnum might
put himself, if .he is not already,
m communication with the York-
shire Spiritual Telegraph, and get
the editor to get the poet Dante
to lend him a hand, or a pair of hands, for the purpose of decorating
the heads of the bystanders with orange flowers, or with donkeys'
ears, if judged more suitable. Let Barnum give a series of enter-
tainments under the title of " Sorcery for the Superior Classes."
Why should he content himself with exhibiting Tom Thumb, when,
with the assistance of Mr. Hume, he might, in a very short time,
successfully pretend to exhibit the devil ? The exhibition of one pair,
merely, of spirit hands, would be worth Washington's nurse, the
Feejee mermaid, and Tom Thumb put together. If Barnum could
only make an arrangement with Hume, he would be enabled to work
a rich mine of HuM(e)bug.

THE LAST FREAK IN BONNETS.

Live and learn, Mrs. Grundy. Read the Follet Fashion-paper;
you will always find something new in it—something to astonish you,
as this extract from Fashions for May perhaps will:—

" Bonnets are still worn very open, thrown back at the cheeks, and pointed in
front. The curtain deep ; put on in large plaits, arranged in such a manner as not
to fall over the shoulders, nor to stand out too stiffly in the middle of the back."

What next, Ma'am ?—and next ?—as Mr. Cobden said. Bonnets
with curtains!—window blinds will perhaps follow, and then probably
will come shutters—or shall we say bed-posts and blankets? The
curtains must be veils, Ma'am, must they not ?—but then, what busi-
ness have they to stick out at all in the middle of the back ? Curtains,
indeed ! To be sure they are sufficiently called for by the present
bare-faced fashion of bonnets. Highty-tighty. Oh, for the good old
times of the good old coal-scuttle !

EXPLOSION OF A MODERN MIRACLE.

Some few years ago the Roman Catholic newspapers and priesthood
generally, gave out, and strove to persuade simpletons, that the Virgin
Mary had appeared on the hill of La Salette, and had made a revela-
tion to some peasant children. Notwithstanding that Mr. Punch
analyzed this storyand demonstrated its absurdity, its inventors suc-
ceeded in palming it upon multitudes of their co-religionists inclusive
of the Pope himself. . Accordingly the priests of the district wherein
the trick was played, ran up a shrine, and formed a confraternity to
work it—obtaining money under pretence of the sanctity of the spot.
Hisinfallible but hoaxed Holiness patronised the concern, and gave
it his benediction, which appears not to have preserved it from ex-
ploding. The Univers puffed it, the Tablet endorsed the statements
of the Univers.

The journal last named has, by perseverance in stating the marvel-
lous thing which is not, involved itself in a quarrel with the Siecle,
in consequence whereof, Le Siecle publishes an exposure of the Salette
humbug. For this, society is indebted to an honest priest, one Abbe
Deleon, who discovered, and showed, that the alleged apparition
of the Virgin was performed by a Mademoiselle Lamerliere, by
the help of a milliner. The pretended Virgin, it will be recollected,
began by talking good French to the little clowns to whom she showed
herself, and then, finding that they did not understand her, spoke to
them m their own patois—evidence of imposture duly pointed out at
the _ time by Mr. Punch. Madlle. Lamerliere brings an action
against the abbe for false accusation, before the tribunals of Grenoble,
loses her cause, and is condemned in costs. The unlucky plaintiff has
appealed: but the fact that the discussions which took* place at the
trial are not allowed to be published, is sufficiently significant of the
direction in which the Salette cat, now let out of the bag, is con-
sidered, by those capable of judging, to jump.

So much—Mr. Punch was about to say—for La Salette; but one
thing more deserves to be stated, to end the story, like a squib, with a
gooa bounce. The following holy "shave" was announced in 1851
on episcopal authority :—

" The waters of La Salette cure all the evils of the body, and convert the most
wicked sinners, even if the smallest drop (against their will) can be got down their
tliroats."

Physic and divinity both entirely superseded by an infinitesimal dose
of La Salette water ! It is wonderful that the friars and Jesuists did
not fear that the above quoted ultramontane and ultra-Hahnemannic
" stretcher" would, if believed, prove rather too much to the believer.
They must have as much faith in the gullibility of their dupes as the
latter repose in the veracity of their deceivers. However, the priests
tell, or at least imply, one truth respecting the water of La Salette.
By their account sinners appear to have found it very difficult to
swallow.

In quitting the subject of this alleged miracle, Mr. Punch begs to be
allowed to express the hope that the world will not forget the really
miraculous discernment evinced by himself nearly five years ago, in
seeing through and elucidating that device of priestcraft.

Insane Agitation.—The advocates of a Liquor Law for old
England are no better than Ma(i)n(e)iac3.

A SHAKESPEARIAN NOTE AND QUERY.

We put it to Mr. Payne Collyer, to be considered in his next
edition of Shakspeare, whether the advice of Polonius to Ids son is
not liable to emendation, suggested by female fashions of the present
time. Shakspeare, there can be no doubt of it, in his prescience,
knew that lovely woman in 1857 would hoop herself in her petticoats
like a beer-barrel with iron surroundings. (We only hope that in the
meteoric convulsions of the coming summer, no fair creature smitten
by lightning wdl fall through her petticoats like so much cigar-ash;
but we think the occurrence very probable.) However, there can be
no doubt that the words of Polonius—

" The friend thou hast and his affections tried,
Grapple him to thy soul with hooks of steel—"

ought to read—■

" The maid thou hast and her affections tried.^
Grapple her to thy soul with hoops of steel."

In these days, Vulcan makes half Venus ; and a man does not only
unite himself to the bone of his bone and the flesh of his flesh, but to
the metal of his metal. It is not fair to the memory of the good and
gracious Talfourd, that every woman should insist upon being the
heroine of her own Ion.

Common-place, but How True!

Your Pessimist, who is always doubting, always sneering, is only
the Laquais of Society, who is perpetually giving the dirty habits of
others a good brushing', and yet does not see the mud that is upon his
own.