Punch (45.1863)

76

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[August 22, 1863,

charging so much a plate, and if you think it will not be repugnant to
clerical digestions, I see no reason why some demand should not be
made on those who are anxious to put their legs beneath your Lord-
ship’s mahogany.

“ My learned friend Counsellor Foxey informs me, and I don’t think
he would impose upon my ignorance, that you have two kinds of Par-
liament—White Parliament, which is very nice and adapted to aristo-
cratic tastes, and Common Brown Parliament, which is sometimes
composed of very raw ingredients. Brown Parliament, free from
adulteration, is exceedingly rare, and its natural impurities are said
to be greatly aggravated by some parties using too much sugar. Par-
liament, however, in any form, seldom does much harm to the consti-
tution ; when positively injurious, to neutralise its noxious properties,
it should be dissolved.

“ Whatever may be thought of your nobles’ exclusiveness, all must
admire their exemplary industry. Their House, I am assured by
visitors, is a model workshop of tailoring. Enter it when you may, and
you will see young Lords cutting out, while certain venerable Barons
(to whom I can appeal for evidence of my assertion) are busily engaged
in mending old suits. Marquises are so fond of botany that they carry
strawberry-leaves on their heads, while a popular horticultural Duke,
who takes his title from Beds (raspberry beds most probably) is
dependent to some extent upon his business as a market gardener.

“ In reference to Court etiquette, I Bud that your practice and ours
exactly coincide. With us, as with you, Ladies only of great powers of
resistance are presented at our regal Drawing-rooms. Our Court
beauties are very rarely crushed to death. Yours perhaps are not so
fortunate. No lady with us is presentable until she has been examined
on the correlation of forces, and satisfied the chamberlain that she
knows as much about the vis inertia as a Civil Engineer.

“ Speaking of Ladies reminds me that a process is silently and stealthily
going on, by which in course of time all the landed property within
your jurisdiction will belong exclusively to the soft sex. Already they
can boast of a numerical balance in their favour of half-a-million, and
sooner or later, by means of that wonderful invention Crinoline, there
will be no standing-room on your enchanted Isle for the nominal Lords
of the Creation, who will be proudly swept into the sea. Then Woman
smiling will reign in her glory alone over the territory which, to all
appearance, it has long been her ambition entirely to encompass and
secure.”

Here we must take leave of our intelligent Kaffir. In parting with
that enlightened commentator we can only regret (and some of our
Metropolitan Constituencies may share our sorrow) that one whose
name stands out in such bold relief among Modern Politicians is not
legally qualified to write M. P. after it.

SHADOWS OF THE WEEK.

E notice every day that the
shadows are lengthening, and
the substances are all going
out of town. Too, too solid
cockney flesh cannot bear the
present tropical season much
longer. The Organmen, we
devoutly believe, are beginning
to emigrate to Bamsgate,
Margate, and other favoured
watering-places for change of
air. The poor Italian with
the “ nobby head of hair,” who
plays, sings, and whistles Di
Pescatore, will go play to the
Fish of the Sea, or, if he be
an angler, may play the Fish
themselves. This mention of
fish reminds us that a beautiful
Catch will shortly appear;
the subject is the River fisher-
man’s address to his Bait, and
the words are a devclopement
of Shakespeare's beautiful
soliloquy, “ Sleep, Gentle,
Sleep ! ”

Our immensely popular
Prince or Wales is already
beginning to show the good
effects of a thoroughly sound
ClassicalEducation. His Royal
Highness, we are informed on
the best possible authority,
made an excellent Latin jest
the other day, which we are in
a position to make public. The
Prince had just quitted the
Princess Alexandra, and
was on the point of stepping
into his carriage in order to
pay a visit to his Royal Mother, when General Knollys ventured to inquire
whether His Royal Highness was about to return to the Princess. “ No,
General Knollys, I am not,” was the gracious reply, and then, as if struck by a
sudden idea, H. li. H. added. “ And yet at the same time I am.” The distinguished
Hero being somewhat puzzled by the paradox, begged the Prince to explain.
“Why,” returned H. R. H. with the utmost condescension, “I’ve just left the
Princess, and now I’m going to Re-jine her.” The Prince disappeared in a Cloud
of Dust, and the General retired to borrow a Latin dictionary, in which after some
labour, he discovered the word Regina. He immediately borrowed another dictionary
(English), and wrote a pleasant letter to the Rev. Charles Kingsley.

A Continental correspondent informs us, that among the numerous Parisian
improvements is a “New Prison which will have the form of a Trapeze.” We
have not yet heard whether the Governorship is to be offered to M. Leotard ;
but it is whispered that if the next gaol is built in the shape of a Tight Rope,
the control will be placed in M. Blondin’s hands, on account of his great feat.

Insensibly are we drawn towards our next little piece of information. The
Worshipful Company of Rope makers a few nights since, held their Annual Dinner,
and, considering the quantity they eat, it is a matter of wonder how they did j

manage to hold it; after the Banquet, which we need
hardly say was very well served by all parties concerned,
the usual toasts were proposed and, when more than the
usual number of bottles had been consumed, the Chair-
man proposed that their Title should be changed to the
“ Tight-Ropemakers’ Company.” No one being in a state
to object to anything, the Chairman, in spite of his reso-
lution, was carried away nem. con. by the waiters.

“ Conviviality breeds contempt ” is an ancient and truth-
ful proverb, though we don’t think somehow or another
that we have got it quite right. But no matter, our meaning
is all the same, and the moral from the above anecdote is
evident.

Civilisation, we are glad to say, is making its inroads upon
the Chinese. A Limited Liability Company are already
projecting Hotels in the principal thoroughfares, and the
new Broad Way from Pekin to Shanghai will be one of
the finest Inn-roads that civilisation has yet made.

The poet Close has lately been suffering from cold, and
having taken medical advice, sits nightly with his very poor
poetical feet in hot water. He has been visited by Mr.
Martin Tupper, who, inspired by the occasion, burst forth
into the following impassioned rhapsody :—

“ Poet Close,

Tallow your nose.”

These words will probably be set to music. We shall
have a word to say on the Poet’s behalf next week.

The Chancery Bar and Common Law Bar are now taking
their vacations, but Temple Bar, having no luxury of this
sort, will not leave town. The ceremony of washing this
venerable structure will soon take place: previous to this
function, it will appear in all its ancient grandeur and dirty
state.

Talking of grandeur, the Fireman’s Brigade will have a
festival and parade London with a great deal of soft water
pomp. Bands will perform One Pumper at parting, after
which the Crystal Palace Fountains will play several selec-
tions from the most popular Water Works of modern
composers; Lurline, for instance.

Turkish Justice.

The language of the Stock Exchange is sometimes
puzzling to those who are not conversant with it; but the
following statement in the City News of the Post relative
to the Constantinople Money Market, looks at any rate
like plain English :—

“ Coupled with reported Ministerial resignations a fall in Con-
solid^s, hastened by some forced executions, took place.”

Forced executions ! What! has the Sultan sent a troop
of soldiers to the Bourse and caused some of the prin-
cipal Stock-jobbers to be summarily hanged?

a catch.

A jew evenings ago a man came into our office with
a very tame joke that he had taken in the street. We saw
it ourselves and can vouch for the fact.